How to improvise

Tonight, our office celebrated an yearly function called ‘Sparkles’ which is a combined celebration of Diwali, Sinterklaas, Christmas. During that function, there was a game show and I improvised on that game show. I wanted to give this improvised speech immediately after the game show since it would have more effect and connect with the audience. But the hosts denied giving me a chance since they were running out of time. Anyhow they said that I could give this speech during the openmic when everyone starts eating. I did that, but 90% of the audience were not in a receptive mood and it was a bad bad idea to have decided to give that speech when the audience were eating. Still, some colleagues appreciated and told that the jokes were funny afterwards. Here is what happened during the game show and below that you will find my improvised speech.

Game show:
The hosts asked the audience these 3 questions.
1. Whoever has got the longest nail in the audience can come and collect the prize.
2. Whoever in the audience has a pink kerchief can come and collect the prize.
3. Whoever in the audience can laugh out loud can collect the prize. Only one person came forward to laugh, he loudly said ‘Ha ha’ and collected the prize.

Improvised Speech:
1. Good evening people who have long nails, short nails, and no nails.

2. I am going to tell jokes. I think I am going to have a hard time because I know that there is only one person in this house who knows how to laugh.

3. I am going to tell you why I didn’t win those 3 prizes even I could have. First of all tell me how many of you like soccer.. Please raise your legs.

4. Before coming to this function I was watching a soccer match between ManU and Man City. The match was so interesting. That had a nail-biting finish. I ate my all my nails. Now you know why no prize for the 1st question.

5. Once I ran out of all my nails, I mistakenly ate my pink hand kerchief.

6. My favorite team lost the match. I have been crying ever since that time. And you are asking me to laugh out loud??

7. What a pity!! To wipe my tears, I don’t even have a kerchief.

8. Now the 4th question to you. Whoever can make me laugh will get all my nails.

9. Thank you very much… for not laughing.

Humor Monologue delivered at Amsterdam Toastmasters Club – November 14, 2014

This is the longest humor monologue that I’ve ever presented. I was fully satisfied and proud of this monologue. I’ve impressed myself. Go, read on.

Read the set-up below and then read the humor monologue.

THE SET-UP (What was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was delivered)

1. The meeting was held at Bilderberg Garden Hotel.

2. Somebody said that he is not Barrack Obama.

3. Speakers of the evening were Julita, Hille, Florence, Edmond, Bogdan, ATC.

4. Edmond gave a speech on “Cheating Essentials”. He talked about how to cheat during exams without getting caught. You can talk with your friends in sign language. Sign A, B, C, D for multiple choice questions.

4. Florence did the 3rd project “Get to the point” from the CC manual. Her speech title was “If only you knew what I did last week”. She told that she has experience of giving speech to audience of 600.

5. Hille did the 2nd project “Organize your speech” from the CC manual. She talked about various objects at home, their shapes, colors and how you can arrange them. Her speech title was “The magic of Feng Shui”. The timer forgot to time her speech. She actually crossed red, but the timer didn’t even signal green. Her speech evaluator said, the transitions were not smooth before getting to the main point.

6. Bogdan gave a speech. He showed a light bulb at the beginning and asked what comes to our mind when seeing that. In the middle of his speech, he hit a water bottle by mistake that was on table, water spilled over one person. He closed his speech by saying “Food for thought”.

7. Julita said “Keep calm and carry on”.

8. Andy told that once he was jobless. During that time, he would stay home and cook all day. He is an American. He told that he never met an American for a long time in the Netherlands.

9. The Emcee changed the structure of the meeting. She moved table topics before prepared speeches.

10. The CL master asked for all members’ CL manuals. He said, “If I don’t get one now, it’s over”.

11. Noreen told a story that she had to wear completely green dress at work.

12. It was raining outside.

13. Ian gave a presentation. A text “Building Bridges” featured many times in his video. His desktop background was some green object that looked like alien.

14. ATC gave a speech titled “Guerrilla Garden”.

The Humor Monologue
1. My name is [signals B by hand] [Sinals A by hand] No I’m not Barrack Obama. I am Bala.

2. I’ve experience of talking to huge audience of 2 or 3.

3. I am the Observational Humor Master for tonight. All of you, laugh… now. If I don’t get one, it’s over.

4. I have a surprise. There is a change in format of this monologue. First 2 minutes, you keep laughing. In the next 1 minute, I’ll tell all my jokes.

5. Good evening ladies & gentlemen. It feels weird to address you that way. Because at our club, I’ve always addressed the toastmasters as “Good evening gentlemen” or “Good evening lady & gentlemen”.

6. So, let me try in another way. Good evening toastmasters of today and cheaters of tomorrow.

7. I hate you guys. You are talking a lot. Even after Julita warned you “Keep calm and carry on”.

8. I am wearing all blue. I’m not police.

9. I am very sorry to say that tonight your club speakers are going down. I mean alphabetically. Julita, Hille, Florence, Edmond, Bogdan, ATC. J->H->F->E->B->A.

10. Still, I like your club. Because you have a policy that “Ladies first & gents next” (Note Julita, Hille, Florence are women).

11. Florence, your speech title should be “If only you knew what I did August 3rd week”. Because you wrote down this speech August last week.

12. Andy, if you want to meet Americans, you should stop cooking at home and pay a visit to their home. McDonald’s.

13. Outside, we have rain. Inside, we have No-reen (Word play on “No rain” and person named Noreen – My favorite of the evening).

14. Hille, your project is “Organize your speech”. But you talked about “Organizing your house”.

15. The magic of Feng Shui – it stopped the clock.

16. Florence. Like Hille, you don’t have to have transitions. Because your project is GET TO THE POINT.

17. Bogdan, when you showed the light bulb, this came to my mind.. that you stole the light bulb from here [pointed to a place where there was a bulb holder but there was no bulb].

18. Because a bulb is missing here, it’s little dark, and you hit the water bottle.

19. You closed your speech by saying “Food for thought”. Before the food, you served drinks.

20. How many toastmasters does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change. And one to evaluate.

21. During Ian’s presentation, there was a strange green object. I thought, “Oh, Noreen’s picture”.

22. Lot of rhyming words today Building Bridges – BB, Guerrilla Garden – GG. And now your are laughing HaHa – HH.

23. B.G.H – Oh wait. That’s Bilderberg Garden Hotel.

24. Are you hungry? Get ready. Let’s go to Andy’s home.

25. Keep calm. Curry on.

Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – November 12, 2014

Read the set-up below and then read the humor monologue.

THE SET-UP (What was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was delivered)

1. Floris was the General evaluator and he was also one of the speech evaluators. During the transition from GE to evaluator he introduced himself and said, “I don’t shake hands with myself”.

2. He evaluated other 4 evaluators since he is GE. He said he doesn’t evaluate himself (himself as 5th evaluator).

3. I was the Toastmaster-of-the-evening and Observational Humor Master.

4. Chris gave a table topic where one person was mom, one person was dad, one judge. Mom and dad get divorce and the judge should decide as to with whom the child should stay. Somebody said that the mom is blonde. And everybody laughed.

5. Joao told that every single day his girl friend would ask “How do I look?”. He talked about colors, red means powerful, blue means authority etc.

6. Justina won the best tabletopics speaker award. She won the award at the last 2 meetings too.

7. Justina was the only female member at the meeting. Also one of the 3 in the club.

8. Bart gave a speech about sales. In his role play Joao acted as customer. Joao said he wants the best suit in this country. He said he doesn’t like his current suit.

9. Bogdan said that Toastmasters is where leaders are made.

10. Bogdan told a story of experiment made on 5 monkeys and how they tried hard to get a banana but couldn’t because they lacked communication skills.

11. Justina, who has given only one speech at our club, evaluated Rubin’s 2nd speech. She said she felt inferior because of that. She delivered her evaluation just by facing Rubin. She held her back towards the others.

12. Justina said that ‘Mom’ is the oldest profession in this world.

13. I was wearing a red shirt and black pant.

The Humor Monologue
1.
[I was the Toastmaster-of-the-evening and I said I now welcome Observational Humor Master which was me too] Like Floris, I don’t shake hands with myself

2. Like Floris, I don’t laugh myself.

3. The mom spoke, the dad spoke, the judge spoke. I am that 1-year-old kid speaking.

4. I don’t want to be with my mom or dad. I want to be with the judge.

5. I am kidding. I want to be with my mom. Because mom delivered me. Strangely now I’m delivering mom… Minutes of Meeting, that is.

6. I’ve dyed my hair. I’m actually blonde. But what color do you see? Black or blonde?

7. Joao, the next time when your girl friend asks “How do I look?”, just say, “Look honey. I love you so much. And you know what? Love is BLIND.”

8. Justina has won the best tabletopics speaker award for the 3rd time in a row. We men are trying really hard to keep you at this club.

9. Joao, if you want the best suit in this country, you should not shop in Eindhoven. You should shop in ‘Best’ (another city in the Netherlands).

10. The first time I came to the Toastmasters, Bart came to me and asked “What would you like to buy?” I was shocked. He said, “This is Toastmasters. And we make leaders.”

11. I was sweetly surprised to hear that something is not made in China.

12. My upper body is powerful [pointing to my red shirt]. My lower body is very sad [pointing to my black pant].

13. Justina, don’t feel inferior. After all, you are doing the oldest profession in the world.

14. Justina, you took the literal meaning of “Giving straightforward opinion to the speaker”.

15. Joao didn’t like his suit because his mother-in-law gave it.

16. Respect her. Mother-in-law is the second oldest profession in this world.

17. Next week, we will have some new guests who would like to improve their communication skills. To entertain them, in the fridge, I’ll buy and keep some bananas.

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