Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – June 25, 2014

Read the set-up below and then read the humor monologue.

THE SET-UP (What was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was delivered)

1. Theme of the meeting was ‘soccer’. And word of the day was ‘offside’.

2. Rohit, Mark, Bieneke, Sjana, and Tobias were sitting facing the dais. Others were sitting sideways on both sides of the dais.

3. Marc told about the time when he went to France. And when he was about to return to the Netherlands, there was a strike going on and no flights were operating for 1 week.

4. Wilhelm told that soccer players get paid too much.

5. Chris was asked a question, “How to beat a formidable opponent?” Chris, during his speech, said that everywhere they call it soccer, but in England they call it football.

6. June is the year end for Toastmasters. And Bogdan is the new president of our club from July.

7. Tobias’ project was to persuade the audience. He drew a pie chart on the board with 7%, 38%, 55% pieces. He told 7% of content, 38% of tone intonation, 55% body language matters for a great speech.

8. Tobias’ speech evaluator Nicole told that his speech wasn’t persuasive enough.

9. Tobias said that when you’re at a bill counter, make that person smile and make that person say, “This person changed my day”.

10. Bogdan’s speech title was “Man’s search for meaning”. His speech evaluator told that his voice was nice this time.

11. Bogdan talked about situations where you miss something in the last minute. e.g. you run to the train station and climb the stairs and finally miss the train just after it shuts the door. He asked the audience, “Do you know what I’m talking about?”.

12. Wilhelm said that Dutch women won world hockey championship. Still, hockey is not popular. Soccer only is popular.

The Humor Monologue
1. Hello Rohit, Mark, Bieneke, Sjana, Tobias, and the people on offside.

2. Today’s theme is soccer. Seems we’re rightly following it. I mean we completed the meeting in 90 minutes. With 3 minutes extra time.

3. Tobias said, “Make a person smile in 30 seconds”. That’s exactly why I’m here. C’mon. Make me smile in 30 seconds.

4. Spain, England, Italy made early exit in World Cup football, so that they can be on time in the train station before the door shuts.

5. They exactly know what Bogdan was talking about.

6. How to beat a formidable opponent? Bite the opponent players.

7. Yesterday, Suarez, a player from Uruguay, bit an Italian defender on shoulders. Football is a dangerous game. You may even die. Hey Wilhelm, now you know why they get paid too much.

8. *showed the pie chart on the board* Look here. It’s a pizza. 55% is a piece normally eaten by a normal American. 38% piece is eaten by an American in diet. And the 7% piece is eaten by an American who is dead.

9. Tobias, to persuade the audience, you could’ve said, “If you do what I say, I’ll give you the 55% pizza piece.”

10. To avoid the strike in France, France football team flew to Brazil 3 years ago.

11. Everywhere they call is soccer. In England, they call it football. In India, we call it “some-90-minute-ball-kicking-game”.

12. If I were a boss, I would change my employees’ shifts from Thursday, Friday to Saturday and Sunday. Then they will say, “This person changed my day”.

13. Bogdan’s voice was nice this time. So, he should step down as president. And become voice-president.

14. Man’s search for meaning. Whereas women have won the hockey championship.

How to propose to a girl

Stop reading this post right here right now… if you are a girl. Because you don’t want to propose to another girl.

Guys, keep reading. It’s mandatory for you to know how to say, without fear, to a girl those 3 golden words: “No more shopping”. Just kidding. This post is about how to say “I love you”.

Honey, it's a public place. I'll kneel down at our home.

Honey, it’s a public place. I’ll kneel down at our home.

Before you propose to a girl, you should prepare yourself for it. Following tips will help you a lot.

1. You need a diamond ring to propose. So, go to the best jewelry in your city, point to the costliest diamond ring in the showcase in that shop, and ask the owner if they can make a duplicate diamond ring like that for 100 rupees.

2. What guys normally do is, they put on their face the following: cleanser, moisturizer, fair & lovely, rose powder, and all the things that make them handsome before they propose to a girl. That’s absolutely bad idea. You should apply the worst-smelling, irritating, jelly thing on your face. Say for example, cow dung. The reason why I’m telling this is when you propose to a girl, and she doesn’t like it, at least she won’t slap on your face. See. How effective! Go meet a cow farm owner. Now.

3. She will always be hanging out with her friends. It is hard for you to propose when she is with her friends. You have to be prepared to propose in a place where she will be alone. Yes. Be prepared to propose in ladies toilet.

4. When you’re going to propose, you should not forget what you’re going to say. So, prepare yourself. Write everyday 100 times in a notebook what’re going to say. And that is “I love you”. Yes, 3 WORDS. It’s really hard to remember. In case you forget any one word, it’ll be a problem. Say for example, it’ll be a big big problem if you say, “I love your grandmother”.

Ok, now that you are fully prepared, you need a handful of techniques to propose. Here they are.

The ring technique:
Get a costly diamond ring (refer to point no. 1 n the preparations section) and propose to her. Suppose you love a girl named Srabanti and you want to propose to her, try like this.

You: Srab, let’s go for a long walk.
Srabanti: Will you buy me french fries and ice cream?
(Buy ice cream and whatever she wants).
*You are walking. And she is walking and eating*
You: Srab. I want to tell an important thing to you.
Srabanti: Great. Let’s eat that samosa and talk. Go buy that, na?
(Buy samosa and whatever she wants)
*You are sitting. She is sitting and eating*
You: Srab, listen carefully. It’s very important.
Srabanti: Arey yaar. These samosas are too small. Go buy few more. Also buy samosa chat. Also coke.
(Buy coke and whatever she wants)
*You are sitting. She is sitting and eating and drinking*
You: Srab, will you marry me? *bend one knee and give her the diamond ring*
Srabanti: Awwwww!!
*she tries to wear that ring you gave and it’s not fitting any of her fingers*
You: *mind voice* How will it fit?! After all the french fries, ice cream, samosa, chat, coke you ate, your fingers have doubled in size.
Srabanti: While I’m trying to wear this ring, go buy that popcorn, no?

The healthy technique:
For a healthy relationship, try this technique.
Suppose you love a girl named Srabanti to whom you’re a stranger, try a conversation like this.

You: Hey Srab.
Srabanti: Yes. Do I know you?
You: For the last one year, I’ve been eating only broccoli, almonds, walnuts, oats, salmon, Tuna, Tofu, carrot.
Srabanti: Why are you telling me all this?
You: These foods are very good for healthy heart. And you’re my heart.
Srabanti: For the last 20 years, I’ve been eating only roti and dal.
You: Why are you telling me this?
Srabanti: It gives me the ultimate strength to slap anyone hard.
You: Hahahaha *evil laugh* Go on girl. Slap. *looking at the cow dung on your face* (See my idea worked out)

The right-place technique:
If you want the girl to say yes, you should propose in a place that she likes. You can take her to many places. Below are some examples:
1. To a shopping mall.
2. To any beautiful city that has a shopping mall (Note: Avoid cities in Kerala and Bengal. Because all shops are always closed due to strike).
3. To any house or apartment… that is soon to be destructed and constructed as shopping mall.

The easy technique:
This method is very simple. Suppose you love a girl named Srabanti who is aged 24 and from Kolkata and you’ve never talked with her, try like this.

You: Hi there.
Srabanti: Yes.
You: Are you Srabanti?
Srabanti: Yes.
You: Are you from Kolkata?
Srabanti: Yes.
You: Are you 24?
Srabanti: Yes (Let’s assume she is not like every other girl who reduces her age).
You: Do you love me?
Srabanti: Yes (She must say yes, because she answered yes to all your previous questions and she would continue with ‘yes’ for any question you ask).
You: Well, here, take this.
Srabanti: What is this?
You: Our wedding invitation. It’s on June 26. Come with the family, ok?

See how easy it is. It’s a proven technique. It worked for all 50 people who tried it. Yes. Now, Srabanti has 47 husbands. And 3 wives (Those 3 girls missed to read the first line of this post).

The extremely-easy technique:
If you want to impress a girl and get married to her, just use this one line. It’s very effective.

You: Hey Srab.
Srabanti: Yes. Do I know you?
You: I don’t watch IPL and FIFA WC.
Srabanti: I love you darling. Let’s get married right now.

See how extremely easy it is. Once you get married, watch all IPL matches and all FIFA WC matches. Don’t worry about Srab. If she asks why you watch all these crap when you said before marriage that you never watch any of these, just tell these 7 words: “Inspired by Modi’s achche din aanewale hain”. Case closed.

I can go on and tell you more techniques, but my mom is calling me.
Me: What mom?
Mom: Jeeeez! How come there is a cow in our backyard? And what is cow dung doing on your face?

Boost with Bala. Maltova with Mark – Season 1 Episode 3.

This episode is FIFA WC 2014 special. Mark and I answer all the questions related to football. Read and Enjoy.
Mark and Bala

FIFA WC 2014
Q: What is football?
Bala: Football is almost equal to Hockey. Except for this one difference: Instead of using hockey sticks, all players use their legs to kick opponent players’ ass.
Mark: Bala is right. Football is a kickass game.

Q: What is ‘goal’?
Bala: Goal is to kill at least one of the opponent players. Either by firing a gun or taking a big sword and inserting into opponent’s stomach. Please note that kicking is strictly not allowed. That’s penalty.
Mark: Arey, you stupid, Bala! Why do you give such wrong information? Dear person who asked this question, ‘Goal’ is a John Abraham movie.

Q: What is ‘own goal’?
Bala: Ongole is a city in Andhra Pradesh.
Mark: A true own goal is, in which the team puts the ball through their own goal post. They do it to test how good their own goalkeeper is.

Q: If both teams have scored same number of goals, who is the winner?
Bala: The team with maximum number of players alive.
Mark: If it’s first round, it’s a draw. If it’s a knockout stage, then two 15 minute periods of extra time will be given. If the teams are still tied, a penalty shoot-out will be held. Of course shoot-out with guns and bullets.

Q: What kind of training one should take to become a great football player?
Bala: Karate, Kungfu, and Judo. I don’t have to tell you why. Still… Winning is not everything. Staying alive is.
Mark: An aspiring footballer should take a speaking course. Of course, to argue with the referee.

Q: What is a goalkeeper?
Bala: Goalkeeper is the only person who can touch the ball by hands within their penalty area. So it is wise to choose someone who has “both hands” as goalkeeper.
Mark: If your goalkeeper is Baba Ramdev, make sure he has “both legs”. Because he catches by legs and runs by hands.

Q: What is red card?
Bala: There is no red card in football. It’s actually white card. It turned red because someone stabbed the referee. And blood….
Mark: Red is handed to a player who’s caught red-handed.

Q: What is yellow card?
Bala: There is no yellow card in football. It’s actually white card. It turned yellow because the refree did shit in fear.
Mark: If an American player gets red card, then it’s called yellow card. Because green card + red card = yellow card (In RGB color system).

Q: What is a referee?
Bala: Referee is the person who can save a player’s life by giving him red card and sending him out of field.
Mark: Referee is the person responsible for enforcing the laws of the game. When someone violates the law, he won’t give him card, rather make him play more.

Q: Why do they still play when it’s raining?
Bala: Because it is easy to wash all the blood.
Mark: Actually they like playing in rain. Because no one can find out when they pee their pants in fear.

Q: What is a team manager’s main job?
Bala: Team manager’s main job is to wear a suit.
Mark: Team manager’s main job is to tell his players which side they should put the goal. “Arey, this side, this side… NOT THAT SIDE…”

Q: Why do they play national anthem before the start of every game?
Bala: Just to make sure whether the right teams are on the field.
Mark: They play it at the start of every game because many of them won’t be alive to hear it at the end of the game.

Q: What is a substitute?
Bala: Normally, sentence reduction is given to prisoners who maintain good behavior while imprisoned. Same thing here. God save the guy going in as substitute.
Mark: If a player is injured, in place of him, a substitute will go in, to get injured.

Q: Why do they swap ends after half-time?
Bala: It’s a trick to make the players put own goal.
Mark: Because the players think that the grass is always greener on the other side.

Q: Why does a player run to a corner and shout after he scores a goal?
Bala: Actually he tries to run out of the ground and escape. But then all other players run after him, catch him, and jump over him. Poor guy. He shouts in pain.
Mark: Actually he runs to the corner and shouts, “The ball went in by mistake. Don’t think I’m good and please don’t make me play the next game.”

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Got any question that you would like us to answer, then post your question here.

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