Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – November 26, 2014

Read the set-up below and then read the humor monologue.

THE SET-UP (What was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was delivered)

1. Bogdan said that it’s very cold out there, all flies and mosquitoes start coming inside home.

2. Word of the day was ’35’. Bogdan used that word 5 times and he won the contest.

3. Justina said singing is good for health. She stood still in one place throughout her speech.

4. Wilhelm wrongly said that for Thanksgiving, people eat chicken, instead of turkey.

5. Mohsin, one of the guests, told that he came to know about Toastmasters at a Halloween party.

6. Marc talked about saving our environment. He said that when we wash clothes, plastic from dresses go via drainage and reach sea, which is bad. He advised adding filters to washing machine outlet.

7. 3 out of 4 lady members were present at the meeting.

8. Bogdan talked about getting pay raise at work. He said that it’s always better to mirror the body language of your boss to be friendly with him. He said that if you ask for 35% raise, you will at least get 3.5%.

9. At the last meeting, I was the Toastmaster-of-the-evening and Floris was the General evaluator. At this meeting, Floris was the Toastmaster-of-the-evening and I was the General evauator.

10. Bieneke had broken foot (right foot). She gave a speech, and her evaluator appreciated that she walked well during the speech. Bieneke left early.

11. Bogdan got the best speaker award. Julia got the best table topics speaker award. All members voted for the best speakers in a pink slip.

12. Sri visited our club as a guest for the 3rd time. (3-times guest is not unusual, but still long).

13. Our club made a banner for ourselves. In the banner, our club name (Lighttown speakers club) was printed along with the club number (8-digit number). Julia asked what’s the use of having a number for a club.

The Humor Monologue
1. Good evening Toastmasters, guests, and especially the flies & mosquitoes.
[I looked at air while delivering the punchline to make people think that flies & mosquitoes came inside because of the cold weather]

2. My speech – One of the 35 ways to put the audience to sleep. The others are my singing, my dancing etc.

3. Before becoming a member, I visited this club as a guest… 35 times.

4. Thanksgiving – Turkeys will be thankful if you choose chicken for your meal. Both turkeys and chicken will be thankful if you’re a vegetarian.

5. Hey Mohsin, the real Halloween party is happening here. Because the scariest thing in the world is “Public Speaking”.

6. It is good for your health if YOU are singing. It is extremely bad for your health if JUSTIN BIEBER is singing.

7. To save our environment, I am going to do my part. I am no more going to wash my clothes.

8. It happens only once in 35 years. Getting to see 3 lady members of our club at one place.

9. My boss gave me a raise last year. How much? 35 cents.

10. Last week, I was the toastmaster-of-the-evening and Floris was the General evaluator. This week, Floris is the TME and I am the GE. Basically we both are mirroring, and fully qualified to be bosses of each other.

11. If you want 35% raise, ask for 350% raise.

12. Despite having broken leg, Bieneke walked a lot. Despite having a good leg, Justina didn’t move at all. Justina, to move better, I suggest you break your leg.

13. There is a saying “Put your best foot forward”. For Bieneke, it’s left. So she left.

14. It’s really surprising that the best speaker is Bogdan and the best tabletopics speaker is Julia. Both are male. No female winners. Even when you voted in the PINK slip.

15. William Shakespeare asked “What’s in a name?” That, Julia, why we use a number too in the banner.

16. I should be the winner of the word-of-the-day contest, not Bogdan. I used the word 210 once. That’s 6 times 35.

17. I am thankful to you because you are still not yet asleep.

18. Excuse me. I have to finish my speech. Because only 35 seconds left.

How to improvise

Tonight, our office celebrated an yearly function called ‘Sparkles’ which is a combined celebration of Diwali, Sinterklaas, Christmas. During that function, there was a game show and I improvised on that game show. I wanted to give this improvised speech immediately after the game show since it would have more effect and connect with the audience. But the hosts denied giving me a chance since they were running out of time. Anyhow they said that I could give this speech during the openmic when everyone starts eating. I did that, but 90% of the audience were not in a receptive mood and it was a bad bad idea to have decided to give that speech when the audience were eating. Still, some colleagues appreciated and told that the jokes were funny afterwards. Here is what happened during the game show and below that you will find my improvised speech.

Game show:
The hosts asked the audience these 3 questions.
1. Whoever has got the longest nail in the audience can come and collect the prize.
2. Whoever in the audience has a pink kerchief can come and collect the prize.
3. Whoever in the audience can laugh out loud can collect the prize. Only one person came forward to laugh, he loudly said ‘Ha ha’ and collected the prize.

Improvised Speech:
1. Good evening people who have long nails, short nails, and no nails.

2. I am going to tell jokes. I think I am going to have a hard time because I know that there is only one person in this house who knows how to laugh.

3. I am going to tell you why I didn’t win those 3 prizes even I could have. First of all tell me how many of you like soccer.. Please raise your legs.

4. Before coming to this function I was watching a soccer match between ManU and Man City. The match was so interesting. That had a nail-biting finish. I ate my all my nails. Now you know why no prize for the 1st question.

5. Once I ran out of all my nails, I mistakenly ate my pink hand kerchief.

6. My favorite team lost the match. I have been crying ever since that time. And you are asking me to laugh out loud??

7. What a pity!! To wipe my tears, I don’t even have a kerchief.

8. Now the 4th question to you. Whoever can make me laugh will get all my nails.

9. Thank you very much… for not laughing.

Humor Monologue delivered at Amsterdam Toastmasters Club – November 14, 2014

This is the longest humor monologue that I’ve ever presented. I was fully satisfied and proud of this monologue. I’ve impressed myself. Go, read on.

Read the set-up below and then read the humor monologue.

THE SET-UP (What was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was delivered)

1. The meeting was held at Bilderberg Garden Hotel.

2. Somebody said that he is not Barrack Obama.

3. Speakers of the evening were Julita, Hille, Florence, Edmond, Bogdan, ATC.

4. Edmond gave a speech on “Cheating Essentials”. He talked about how to cheat during exams without getting caught. You can talk with your friends in sign language. Sign A, B, C, D for multiple choice questions.

4. Florence did the 3rd project “Get to the point” from the CC manual. Her speech title was “If only you knew what I did last week”. She told that she has experience of giving speech to audience of 600.

5. Hille did the 2nd project “Organize your speech” from the CC manual. She talked about various objects at home, their shapes, colors and how you can arrange them. Her speech title was “The magic of Feng Shui”. The timer forgot to time her speech. She actually crossed red, but the timer didn’t even signal green. Her speech evaluator said, the transitions were not smooth before getting to the main point.

6. Bogdan gave a speech. He showed a light bulb at the beginning and asked what comes to our mind when seeing that. In the middle of his speech, he hit a water bottle by mistake that was on table, water spilled over one person. He closed his speech by saying “Food for thought”.

7. Julita said “Keep calm and carry on”.

8. Andy told that once he was jobless. During that time, he would stay home and cook all day. He is an American. He told that he never met an American for a long time in the Netherlands.

9. The Emcee changed the structure of the meeting. She moved table topics before prepared speeches.

10. The CL master asked for all members’ CL manuals. He said, “If I don’t get one now, it’s over”.

11. Noreen told a story that she had to wear completely green dress at work.

12. It was raining outside.

13. Ian gave a presentation. A text “Building Bridges” featured many times in his video. His desktop background was some green object that looked like alien.

14. ATC gave a speech titled “Guerrilla Garden”.

The Humor Monologue
1. My name is [signals B by hand] [Sinals A by hand] No I’m not Barrack Obama. I am Bala.

2. I’ve experience of talking to huge audience of 2 or 3.

3. I am the Observational Humor Master for tonight. All of you, laugh… now. If I don’t get one, it’s over.

4. I have a surprise. There is a change in format of this monologue. First 2 minutes, you keep laughing. In the next 1 minute, I’ll tell all my jokes.

5. Good evening ladies & gentlemen. It feels weird to address you that way. Because at our club, I’ve always addressed the toastmasters as “Good evening gentlemen” or “Good evening lady & gentlemen”.

6. So, let me try in another way. Good evening toastmasters of today and cheaters of tomorrow.

7. I hate you guys. You are talking a lot. Even after Julita warned you “Keep calm and carry on”.

8. I am wearing all blue. I’m not police.

9. I am very sorry to say that tonight your club speakers are going down. I mean alphabetically. Julita, Hille, Florence, Edmond, Bogdan, ATC. J->H->F->E->B->A.

10. Still, I like your club. Because you have a policy that “Ladies first & gents next” (Note Julita, Hille, Florence are women).

11. Florence, your speech title should be “If only you knew what I did August 3rd week”. Because you wrote down this speech August last week.

12. Andy, if you want to meet Americans, you should stop cooking at home and pay a visit to their home. McDonald’s.

13. Outside, we have rain. Inside, we have No-reen (Word play on “No rain” and person named Noreen – My favorite of the evening).

14. Hille, your project is “Organize your speech”. But you talked about “Organizing your house”.

15. The magic of Feng Shui – it stopped the clock.

16. Florence. Like Hille, you don’t have to have transitions. Because your project is GET TO THE POINT.

17. Bogdan, when you showed the light bulb, this came to my mind.. that you stole the light bulb from here [pointed to a place where there was a bulb holder but there was no bulb].

18. Because a bulb is missing here, it’s little dark, and you hit the water bottle.

19. You closed your speech by saying “Food for thought”. Before the food, you served drinks.

20. How many toastmasters does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change. And one to evaluate.

21. During Ian’s presentation, there was a strange green object. I thought, “Oh, Noreen’s picture”.

22. Lot of rhyming words today Building Bridges – BB, Guerrilla Garden – GG. And now your are laughing HaHa – HH.

23. B.G.H – Oh wait. That’s Bilderberg Garden Hotel.

24. Are you hungry? Get ready. Let’s go to Andy’s home.

25. Keep calm. Curry on.

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