Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – October 29, 2014

Read the set-up below and then read the humor monologue.

THE SET-UP (What was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was delivered)

1. Inna Kostyuk gave a speech titled ‘The 100th monkey’.

2. Justina was the winner of table topics.

3. One of the tabletopics was ‘If you have license to kill someone, who would that be?”

4. Richard talked about 3 mistakes that freelancers make and how they should correct it.
a) Good freelancers should provide quality product and charge more. Because people who charge less are more in number and you should stand out from the rest.
b) Don’t be a master of everything, just be specific to customer needs.
c) Practice to say ‘No’ if needed.

5. Marc announced that I represented our area in the Division Contest.

6. There were 4 guests tonight. One guest joined us when the meeting was half over. One of the guests, Ibrahim, attended our meetings 2 years ago. Then went to Australia. He was back again.

7. Tobias gave a speech in which he did a role play as salesman. He tried to sell a camera. He told that it’s waterproof until 3 meters deep.

The Humor Monologue
1. Dear Toastmasters, guests, and the 100th monkey.

2. Tonight’s meeting, attended by 11 members and three and half guests (One joined after half time).

3. I once called her ‘Inna Kostyuk’. She said, “Call me just Inna’. I said, “Ok Justina”.

4. Just Inna won the table topics.

5. I am a freelancer. I offer high quality service of ‘killing someone’. Cost to kill one person is just 3 million Euros. I stand out from the other killers. Yayy!

6. Want to hire me? Give me the picture of victim, taken by a camera, sold by Tobias. I am specific, you know.

7. I only accept cash. No bank transfer. No debit cards. No credit cards. Yes, I am practicing to say ‘NO’.

8. Offer available only today. “Order one killing. Get one kidnap for free.”

9. Someone had the license to kill me. But he didn’t. Instead he put me onto Toastmasters club. Because, for me, fear of public speaking is more than fear of death.

10. The biggest punishment I ever faced was ‘Speaking in the Division Contest’.

11. The 3 mistakes of my life: Club Contest, Area Contest, Division Contest.

12. Ibrahim, we hope to see you again… in 2 years. [It's a line delivered by Marc]

Humorous Speech – “Sleep like a pig, snore like a lion, dream like a donkey”

This is the speech that I did in the Division-level Toastmasters Humorous Speech Contest 2014.

Humor Monologue delivered in a workshop at Toastmasters Division Conference – October 25, 2014

I just prepared this monologue, and there was no time to deliver it.
Read the set-up below and then read the humor monologue.

THE SET-UP (What was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was delivered)

1. Bill gave a workshop on vocal variety. He said when he receives a phone call, he attends the call, practices his voice a bit by doing breathing exercise for 3 seconds and starts talking.

2. Bill said “Tone, Pitch, Volume, Pace” help vocal variety. He made weird sounds, like a fox, dog, lion etc to explain vocal variety.

3. Robert gave a workshop on sales. He intentionally dropped his phone and said, “See, you will need insurance for your phone for situations like this.

4. Robert said humor can be an icebreaker with the customer. When the customer says, “Just looking around”, joke like “The shop is rectangular (not circular)” might bring laugh.

5. Robert’s handwriting was very bad on the whiteboard.

Humor Monologue
1. Do you all have health insurance. Because my speech is injurious to health. If you want me to speak, first buy this insurance.

2. Hey Robert, when I speak, the words fall down. Do I need insurance for that?

3. Once I called Bill on his phone. I heard his voice after 3 hours. He was exercising.

4. I thought that his dog picked up the phone. The first 10 minutes, I kept hearing bow bow bow sound.

5. If a customer comes to your shop, to break the ice, you can say something like this. “Hello sir. Good morning. Are you here to buy this shop?”

6. Dropping the call is good. Dropping the cell isn’t.

7. Robert dropped his phone because on the other side, it was Bill. Robert dropped the phone when Bill started talking at volume 1000.

8. Robert, I have something to sell to you. This pen… will make your handwriting perfect. Moreover, you can look around. Because it’s cylindrical.


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