My Vacation – Humor Speech

I recently went to India on vacation. So, I decided to give a humor speech about it in the toastmasters meeting. As usual, I wrote the speech on the day I was supposed to deliver the speech. So I didn’t have time to rehearse. Here is the speech I wrote down.

Hello Toastmaster of the evening, fellow toastmasters, and the guests, a very good vacation to all of you. Er, a very good evening to all of you.

I went to India on vacation for a month. Vacations are always great. I love vacations. Because it’s the only time I get a chance to see… beautiful air hostesses. But seriously, I enjoyed my last vacation to India. If I go to India on vacation, everyone would start asking me for gifts. So I carried with me a lot of gifts.

When I went home this time on vacation, I started giving out gifts to my mom, dad, sister, brother, cousin, grand father, grand mother, aunt, uncle, uncle’s son, uncle’s son’s dog, uncle’s son’s dog’s doctor. And then the vacation ended.

If I don’t give gift to someone, he/she will keep on telling for the next 76 years that I forgot to give him/her a gift when I returned from the Netherlands in Dec 2012, on 28th, at 8 p.m., while I was wearing blue t-shirt and black trouser while I landed. I can even fly without a passport and visa. But, without gifts for everyone, I can’t.

Does anyone here have fear of flying? Fortunately, I too don’t have fear of flying. But I do have fear of flying without gifts. Everyone in my country expects a gift from me while I return from a foreign country. They don’t understand that the airlines only allow 26 kilograms.

My uncle’s son’s teacher’s milkman’s third wife asked me, “What!!! you have 26 kilograms weight limit? And you still didn’t buy me just one kilogram… of gold!!!”

My friends would ask, “Where is the air-hostess that we asked for?”
I would say, “Sorry, the air-hostess weighed more than 26 kilograms. So I couldn’t carry her with me.”

OK, leave the gift thingy apart. Let me tell you few interesting things happened during my vacation. I spent one complete week without internet. Can you believe it? No internet for 1 week. I mean, no internet for 4 days. Wait, 1 week is 4 days, right? Oh wait, Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, Thursday. Totally 6 days. And 6 complete days is how many hours.. 1 times 6 is 6. 2 times 6 is 12. 3 times 6 is… oh man, seems it’s gonna take a long time. Let me drop this.

But the point I’m trying to make is I spent a lot of time with family… doctor. Yeah, I admitted myself to the hospital to escape from the people who were chasing for gifts. I faked pregnancy to get into the hospital.

“Doctor, I am afraid I’m pregnant. I didn’t use protection last time. Please check”
“No man, you can’t be pregnant. You’re a guy.”

I spent the whole day arguing. Then the next day

“You can’t get pregnant. You’re a guy. Get out of this hospital.”
“No, doctor. I am afraid I’m pregnant. I feel that somebody is kicking from inside in my stomach.”

Then we spent the second day arguing too.

And after couple of days.

“How many times I should tell you. You can’t get pregnant. You can’t get pregnant. YOU CAN’T GET PREGNANT!!!”
“Doctor, you told it 3 times and you can tell any number of times you want.”

Then on the 7th day

“No, man. You can’t get… oh wait, where is my gift from the Netherlands.”
“Oh, doctor. I’m not pregnant. It’s just stomach pain. I have to go home.”

And by the way, 24 times 6 is 144.

I came back to the Netherlands a couple of days ago (after a month vacation) I was happy because no more gift problem, no more mosquito problem, and more importantly I’m not pregnant.

I would like to conclude my speech with this. Long vacations are gift for everyone. But I have to buy gift for everyone.

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