House Warm(n)ing Function – The beginning

We recently built a new house and our family hosted house warming function last month. The only purpose of hosting a house warming function, for my family, is to wake me up at 3 o’ clock.

Morning 3 o’ clock:

“Dei, wake up da. It’s already 3 o’ clock.”

“Ma, This is too much. It’s only 3 o’ clock!!! We have 3 more days for sunrise.”

“Dei, get up da. Get ready for the house warming function.”

“Ma, please wake me up at 3:05 na.. please.”

“What will you do in 5 minutes?”

“No ma, I mean 3:05 in the evening.”

“If you are not going to wake up now, I’ll come inside your room and pour water all over you!!”

“Ma, save water!! Otherwise in the future, people will be left with no water… to mix with alcohol.”

“Alcohol?? You’re talking about it in the morning !!! We should find the guy who discovered alcohol and kill him.”

“Don’t worry. He would have already been dead. People can’t live for over 1000 years. But in case, if people can, I would like to kill the guy who invented 3 o’ clock.”

While we were having this conversation, I had a feeling that I did wet the bed in sleep. Because the whole room was smelling like anything. If someone had found that out, they would change my name to “Bala Bedwetter” and send an application form to England Cricket Board to play along with “Craig Kieswetter”. I was thinking how to hide what I did. Suddenly, one idea popped in my mind. I called my mom, “Ma, come in and pour water all over me as you said. Otherwise I won’t wake up. If you need any help, maybe I can come help you with lifting the water bucket.”

She came in with a bucket full of water and poured all over me. I got up, smiled, stretched my hands like I achieved all-pass in a semester exam. Then my mom noticed something in the rack and said, “Oh, this is here only ah? I was looking for this all over the house. Thank god, I’ve got it.”

“What’s that ma?”

“It’s komayam da. Cow’s urine.”

“Whaaaaaat !!! So it’s not meee. Awwww, it’s the cowwww ah !! Maaaa, but why didn’t you stick a note on that bottle saying it’s komayam, like you do for salt and sugar !! It would have saved one bucket of water.”

“By the way, what did the test result say ma?”

“Which test result da?”

“Cow’s urine test only.”

“Dei, that’s for our house warming function. Komayam is sacred and we’re going to sprinkle it all over our new house. Moreover this is not veterinary hospital. This is a house where humanbeings live.” (Cows don’t have to worry about wetting the vaikkol [straw]. Because it’s sacred anyway.)

“Say this and all. But you forget the fact that a normal humanbeing should sleep for at least 6 hours a day.”

“For one day only, no, da? wake up please and get ready.”

“Well, in that case, to compensate this, one day I’ll sleep for 36 hours.”

“Dei fool, if you sleep for 36 hours, it’s actually one and half days… not one day.”

“Well, we should also kill the guy who invented Mathematics.”

“But, for the record, if you sleep for 36 hours, you’ll miss two, precious 3 o’ clocks in your life.”

“3 o’ clock.. 3 o’ clock.. 3 O’ CLOCK.. will you stop saying that??”

She stopped saying that. Then she signaled ‘super’ with her hand. I realized then that when you signal ‘super’, you show a three and an ‘O’.

“Mom, for Intel CORE i7 processor’s sake I’m getting up and getting ready. Now please stop signalling that.”

“Very good boy. Super.. Super” *still keeps signalling ‘super’*

That’s how I started the day. I hoped that I would be happy later during the morning because someone can’t easily signal a 6 o’ clock or 8 o’ clock with hand.

When you look from the outside, house warming function will look great. But when you are a part of it and you’re woken up at 3 o’ clock to milk the cow, house warming function is really a pain. On that day, for the first time in my life, I really felt happy for… the homeless people.

Click here to read the next post in this series.


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