Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – May 14, 2014

Read the set-up below and then read the humor monologue.

THE SET-UP (What was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was delivered)

1. Bart’s speech title was “Lazy women”. His project was “Research your topic”. He finished his speech by saying the phrase “Women – Lazy witches. Rich bitches”.

2. Bart illustrated how women are lazy with an example of stock market. Both men and women enter (buy stocks) when the market value is low. Then the stock price will go up. When the men see the price going down again, they will sell. But women will keep. Then men again buy when the prices go up. But women keep, keep, and keep. Finally both men and women sell the stock at the same point. Women get more profit because no transaction charges. He said that this method of keeping valued stocks is Warren Buffet’s method.

3. Nicole, Bart’s speech evaluator, told that the speech didn’t meet his speech objective – “Research your topic”.

4. Nicole, during her speech, told that her mom would not add sugar, milk to coffee. She would take it black. She would carry all the sugar cubes that she gets at coffee shops back home and store.

5. Nicole contested the national-level (division) speech contest. She said all participants were women.

6. Nicole said that one of the feedback that she got in district contest was “Keep nothing in your pockets while giving a speech. Because it might give a wrong impression.”

7. Floris gave a speech about Auroville, a nice peaceful village in India. The Ah counter said that he used zero Ah’s. Then Floris got surprised and he asked him to check again. Then the Ah counter said sorry and said actually there were 25 Ah’s.

The Humor Monologue
1. *I went to the stage, took out my id card and travel card out of my right trouser pocket and put on table, took out mobile phone from the left pocket, wallet from the back pocket, put it on the table. Checked if all pockets are empty* I want to be a great speaker.

2. In the national-level contest, all participants were women. The contest master began the meeting by saying, “Today, we are going to hear exciting speeches from the rich bitches”.

3. I am more lazy than women. I enter the market when it’s low. And never exit. My brother is even more lazy. He never enters the market.

4. Women are really lazy. They don’t even put the sugar cube in the coffee and stir.

5. Nicole’s home is full of sugar cubes. In short, home sweet home.

6. Bart’s project is “Research your topic”. But he was talking about the person who researches the topic – Warren Buffet (He’s a market researcher).

7. The Airport security people make you a great speaker. Whenever I want to clear the security, they ask me to empty my pockets and put on the tray.

8. They also teach me body language. *I posed like security people are scanning me with the metal detector*

9. Floris actually didn’t say any Ah’s. The Ah counter counted 25 Ah’s whenever he said the word Ah-roville.

Apart from this, I made a brilliant timing joke. I was the host of the meeting. Bart was the 1st speaker and Floris was the 2nd. Before the speeches, there was table topic round. Before I called the table topic master, I mistakenly called Bart on to the stage to give his speech. Chris, the table topics master told that there is table topics round. Then I said to Bart, “Sorry Bart, you will have to wait for 20 minutes.” Then Floris interrupted and said that his speech requires the projector, and normally the speakers who want to use the projector go first before the other speakers and he wanted to do the same (We move the projector away after they finish). Then I said to Bart, “Sorry Bart. You will have to wait for 30 minutes”.

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