Q: What is football?
Bala: Football is almost equal to Hockey. Except for this one difference: Instead of using hockey sticks, all players use their legs to kick opponent players’ ass.
Mark: Bala is right. Football is a kickass game.
Q: What is ‘goal’?
Bala: Goal is to kill at least one of the opponent players. Either by firing a gun or taking a big sword and inserting into opponent’s stomach. Please note that kicking is strictly not allowed. That’s penalty.
Mark: Arey, you stupid, Bala! Why do you give such wrong information? Dear person who asked this question, ‘Goal’ is a John Abraham movie.
Q: What is ‘own goal’?
Bala: Ongole is a city in Andhra Pradesh.
Mark: A true own goal is, in which the team puts the ball through their own goal post. They do it to test how good their own goalkeeper is.
Q: If both teams have scored same number of goals, who is the winner?
Bala: The team with maximum number of players alive.
Mark: If it’s first round, it’s a draw. If it’s a knockout stage, then two 15 minute periods of extra time will be given. If the teams are still tied, a penalty shoot-out will be held. Of course shoot-out with guns and bullets.
Q: What kind of training one should take to become a great football player?
Bala: Karate, Kungfu, and Judo. I don’t have to tell you why. Still… Winning is not everything. Staying alive is.
Mark: An aspiring footballer should take a speaking course. Of course, to argue with the referee.
Q: What is a goalkeeper?
Bala: Goalkeeper is the only person who can touch the ball by hands within their penalty area. So it is wise to choose someone who has “both hands” as goalkeeper.
Mark: If your goalkeeper is Baba Ramdev, make sure he has “both legs”. Because he catches by legs and runs by hands.
Q: What is red card?
Bala: There is no red card in football. It’s actually white card. It turned red because someone stabbed the referee. And blood….
Mark: Red is handed to a player who’s caught red-handed.
Q: What is yellow card?
Bala: There is no yellow card in football. It’s actually white card. It turned yellow because the refree did shit in fear.
Mark: If an American player gets red card, then it’s called yellow card. Because green card + red card = yellow card (In RGB color system).
Q: What is a referee?
Bala: Referee is the person who can save a player’s life by giving him red card and sending him out of field.
Mark: Referee is the person responsible for enforcing the laws of the game. When someone violates the law, he won’t give him card, rather make him play more.
Q: Why do they still play when it’s raining?
Bala: Because it is easy to wash all the blood.
Mark: Actually they like playing in rain. Because no one can find out when they pee their pants in fear.
Q: What is a team manager’s main job?
Bala: Team manager’s main job is to wear a suit.
Mark: Team manager’s main job is to tell his players which side they should put the goal. “Arey, this side, this side… NOT THAT SIDE…”
Q: Why do they play national anthem before the start of every game?
Bala: Just to make sure whether the right teams are on the field.
Mark: They play it at the start of every game because many of them won’t be alive to hear it at the end of the game.
Q: What is a substitute?
Bala: Normally, sentence reduction is given to prisoners who maintain good behavior while imprisoned. Same thing here. God save the guy going in as substitute.
Mark: If a player is injured, in place of him, a substitute will go in, to get injured.
Q: Why do they swap ends after half-time?
Bala: It’s a trick to make the players put own goal.
Mark: Because the players think that the grass is always greener on the other side.
Q: Why does a player run to a corner and shout after he scores a goal?
Bala: Actually he tries to run out of the ground and escape. But then all other players run after him, catch him, and jump over him. Poor guy. He shouts in pain.
Mark: Actually he runs to the corner and shouts, “The ball went in by mistake. Don’t think I’m good and please don’t make me play the next game.”
Hope you liked this episode. If you liked, press the share button below and share with your friends.
Got any question that you would like us to answer, then post your question here.
Click here to read all other episodes.