How to propose to a girl

Stop reading this post right here right now… if you are a girl. Because you don’t want to propose to another girl.

Guys, keep reading. It’s mandatory for you to know how to say, without fear, to a girl those 3 golden words: “No more shopping”. Just kidding. This post is about how to say “I love you”.

Honey, it's a public place. I'll kneel down at our home.

Honey, it’s a public place. I’ll kneel down at our home.

Before you propose to a girl, you should prepare yourself for it. Following tips will help you a lot.

1. You need a diamond ring to propose. So, go to the best jewelry in your city, point to the costliest diamond ring in the showcase in that shop, and ask the owner if they can make a duplicate diamond ring like that for 100 rupees.

2. What guys normally do is, they put on their face the following: cleanser, moisturizer, fair & lovely, rose powder, and all the things that make them handsome before they propose to a girl. That’s absolutely bad idea. You should apply the worst-smelling, irritating, jelly thing on your face. Say for example, cow dung. The reason why I’m telling this is when you propose to a girl, and she doesn’t like it, at least she won’t slap on your face. See. How effective! Go meet a cow farm owner. Now.

3. She will always be hanging out with her friends. It is hard for you to propose when she is with her friends. You have to be prepared to propose in a place where she will be alone. Yes. Be prepared to propose in ladies toilet.

4. When you’re going to propose, you should not forget what you’re going to say. So, prepare yourself. Write everyday 100 times in a notebook what’re going to say. And that is “I love you”. Yes, 3 WORDS. It’s really hard to remember. In case you forget any one word, it’ll be a problem. Say for example, it’ll be a big big problem if you say, “I love your grandmother”.

Ok, now that you are fully prepared, you need a handful of techniques to propose. Here they are.

The ring technique:
Get a costly diamond ring (refer to point no. 1 n the preparations section) and propose to her. Suppose you love a girl named Srabanti and you want to propose to her, try like this.

You: Srab, let’s go for a long walk.
Srabanti: Will you buy me french fries and ice cream?
(Buy ice cream and whatever she wants).
*You are walking. And she is walking and eating*
You: Srab. I want to tell an important thing to you.
Srabanti: Great. Let’s eat that samosa and talk. Go buy that, na?
(Buy samosa and whatever she wants)
*You are sitting. She is sitting and eating*
You: Srab, listen carefully. It’s very important.
Srabanti: Arey yaar. These samosas are too small. Go buy few more. Also buy samosa chat. Also coke.
(Buy coke and whatever she wants)
*You are sitting. She is sitting and eating and drinking*
You: Srab, will you marry me? *bend one knee and give her the diamond ring*
Srabanti: Awwwww!!
*she tries to wear that ring you gave and it’s not fitting any of her fingers*
You: *mind voice* How will it fit?! After all the french fries, ice cream, samosa, chat, coke you ate, your fingers have doubled in size.
Srabanti: While I’m trying to wear this ring, go buy that popcorn, no?

The healthy technique:
For a healthy relationship, try this technique.
Suppose you love a girl named Srabanti to whom you’re a stranger, try a conversation like this.

You: Hey Srab.
Srabanti: Yes. Do I know you?
You: For the last one year, I’ve been eating only broccoli, almonds, walnuts, oats, salmon, Tuna, Tofu, carrot.
Srabanti: Why are you telling me all this?
You: These foods are very good for healthy heart. And you’re my heart.
Srabanti: For the last 20 years, I’ve been eating only roti and dal.
You: Why are you telling me this?
Srabanti: It gives me the ultimate strength to slap anyone hard.
You: Hahahaha *evil laugh* Go on girl. Slap. *looking at the cow dung on your face* (See my idea worked out)

The right-place technique:
If you want the girl to say yes, you should propose in a place that she likes. You can take her to many places. Below are some examples:
1. To a shopping mall.
2. To any beautiful city that has a shopping mall (Note: Avoid cities in Kerala and Bengal. Because all shops are always closed due to strike).
3. To any house or apartment… that is soon to be destructed and constructed as shopping mall.

The easy technique:
This method is very simple. Suppose you love a girl named Srabanti who is aged 24 and from Kolkata and you’ve never talked with her, try like this.

You: Hi there.
Srabanti: Yes.
You: Are you Srabanti?
Srabanti: Yes.
You: Are you from Kolkata?
Srabanti: Yes.
You: Are you 24?
Srabanti: Yes (Let’s assume she is not like every other girl who reduces her age).
You: Do you love me?
Srabanti: Yes (She must say yes, because she answered yes to all your previous questions and she would continue with ‘yes’ for any question you ask).
You: Well, here, take this.
Srabanti: What is this?
You: Our wedding invitation. It’s on June 26. Come with the family, ok?

See how easy it is. It’s a proven technique. It worked for all 50 people who tried it. Yes. Now, Srabanti has 47 husbands. And 3 wives (Those 3 girls missed to read the first line of this post).

The extremely-easy technique:
If you want to impress a girl and get married to her, just use this one line. It’s very effective.

You: Hey Srab.
Srabanti: Yes. Do I know you?
You: I don’t watch IPL and FIFA WC.
Srabanti: I love you darling. Let’s get married right now.

See how extremely easy it is. Once you get married, watch all IPL matches and all FIFA WC matches. Don’t worry about Srab. If she asks why you watch all these crap when you said before marriage that you never watch any of these, just tell these 7 words: “Inspired by Modi’s achche din aanewale hain”. Case closed.

I can go on and tell you more techniques, but my mom is calling me.
Me: What mom?
Mom: Jeeeez! How come there is a cow in our backyard? And what is cow dung doing on your face?


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