Top day-to-day life jokes in 2014

Whenever I open the office door, I get static electric shocks. Lucky that I’m a software programmer. I’d be dead, by now, if I were a doorman.

[In a grocery shop]
Me: Hi, I am looking for cabbage. Can you help find that?
That person: [gives me weird look] I don’t work in this shop.
Me: Oh sorry, sorry. By any chance, do you work in the cloth shop next to this. Because, there, I’ll need some help with finding Lee Cooper jeans.

WOW!! My story writing skill has tripled just in 30 minutes. After completing self evaluation in the appraisal process.

If you want to know if your colleagues are reading your lengthy emails, just add this line to the end of your email and wait:
“Chocolates at my desk. Rush”.

Sleep quality does affect decision-making ability, a study says. I would say that the decision-making ability does affect sleep quality.
Snooze. Snooze. Snooze^100.

Have completed 7 years at work.
Gave treat to all my friends. Took them all to the best pub out here and bought them drinks. Which drink? Hmmm! 7UP.

You can reach hell.
You can even reach heaven.
But you can never ever reach the cell phone of someone who’s in love.

Boss: Print Indian flags. Let’s distribute to people to pin on their shirt.
Me: Ok. Black & white or color print?

Burn your stomach. You get 6 pack.
Want others’ stomach to burn? Get iPhone 6 pack.

[In the cafeteria]
Me: Could you give me that meat?
Cafe person: Do you know what kind of meat you’re ordering?
Me: Yeah, I know. It’s horse meat.
CP: Ok. Here you go. Have a good day!
Me: You mean, have a good “knight”?

Most banks provide free savings a/c, free current a/c, and free a/c.

[Colleague sees me in the corridor] Good [Checks his watch] afternoon.

[Friend asks for tips to quit smoking]
“Dei, it’s very simple da. Transfer all the money from your bank account to mine.”
“Then?”
“Then you will have no money to buy cigarettes.”

[Call from tele marketer]
“Hello sir. Want insurance?”
“Sorry. I don’t need one. But hey wait.. I am going to [clenches fist] kill the one who gave you my number. He’ll need one.”

[Dad plays devotional songs very loudly at 5 a.m.]
I wake up with nice thoughts: “God, I want world peace, happiness, and right now power cut.”

It doesn’t matter whether you own a Rolls-Royce or Bugatti Veyron or Porsche car, you can never beat an ambulance.

Uncle [to a married woman]: So.. when is the good news?
MW: Oh jee.. Uncle.. how would “I” know when you’re going to die.

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