Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – December 14, 2016

Dear Readers,

This is our last observational humor of the year. Our next TM meeting is only in Jan 2017. Looking back, We’ve done 26 monologues this year… and 98 in total. Two more to reach that big milestone.

Here is the Observational Humor monologue that was presented at the end of tonight’s meeting. We’ll tell you what was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was presented.

THE SET-UP. We will give you enough background to help you understand the jokes.
1. The emcee asked “Who likes networking?” for which everyone raised hands.

2. One of the table-topics was “Whose life would you like to borrow?” for which the emcee said he would like to borrow Santa’s because he works only one day a year.

3. A speaker talked about a chess game that was won by computer named ‘Deep Blue’ against the champion Gary Kasparov.

4. Our meeting happened at a different place, at an office of one of the toastmasters. He arranged beer, wine, tea for everyone. Since it was a new place, we didn’t have the timer’s signal lights. The timer used his mobile to show green, yellow, and red lights.

5. One of the table-topics was “Who was your first crush?”

6. Chris gave a speech today. The last time he gave a speech was 3 years ago.

7. Chris’ speech was about small talk. He did strike a small talk with a stranger and said that he’s from Limburg and he doesn’t like that place. His speech evaluator said that he didn’t say hello to the stranger.

8. The table-topics master mentioned the lyrics of a romantic song “You look like a movie. You sound like a song”.

9. I was called on to talk on a table topic – “What if you were a Christmas present?” I gave a humorous speech with a funny twist. I took the literal meaning of “What if you were a Christmas present?” and presented myself as a present to a kid.

10. Alex said that 74% have fear of public speaking. He said that the main reason for the fear is 3 parts of the brain – old brain, mid brain, new brain. He said that google search on “Fear of public speaking” results in 19 million hits and the first page doesn’t talk about the reasons why we have the fear of public speaking.

11. Maha. the grammarian, while giving her report, said that she couldn’t read her own hand writing.

The Humor Monologue
1. [tries to read what’s on my paper… pauses for 3 seconds]
(Audience already started laughing, assuming that I was mimicking Maha.)
Oh sorry, this is your notes, Maha.
(A line that was not needed. The audience understood what my line was going to be from my act itself)

2. Everyone likes networking. Santa likes “not working”.
(Play on words. Good response.)

3. We didn’t have the timer’s signal lights. And Floris was kind enough to arrange drinks. The timer could’ve used “Green” tea, “Yellow” beer, “Red” wine.
(Good observation. Coming up with an innovative idea for signaling the time.)

4. I sang this song to my wife. [in a romantic voice] “You look like a movie… you sound like a song… why waste 50 bucks on the movie ticket?”
(Rule of three. Unexpected twist. Shift the focus. The focus was on the words “look like” – i.e. metaphor to describe her. Then the punchline shifts the focus to the word “You” and the audience realize that the actual stress was on the word “YOU”. YOU look like a movie.. YOU sound like a song… why waste 50 bucks on the ticket?

Some TMs, after the meeting was over, said to me that they are eager to meet my wife because they know a lot about her since I make jokes about her at every meeting. They asked if she knows that I make jokes about her and if she likes that. I’ve been doing marriage jokes ever since I got engaged almost at every TM meeting.)

5. I can’t win a chess game against a computer. If only I can make them drink alcohol. I know this technique works. If you don’t trust me, go ask those 3 kids against whom I won.
(Joke and a topper. Joke was mild self deprecation. And the topper was extreme self deprecation – i.e. I can win against kids too only by making them drunk.)

6. I don’t remember my first crush. But I remember… my 300th crush… after my wedding.
(Joke and a topper. 300th crush – exaggeration. And the topper “after the wedding” was extreme exaggeration that I keep having more crushes even after the wedding.)

7. For tonight, I would have liked to borrow table-topics master’s life. That way, I wouldn’t have been picked for a table topic.
(Self deprecation. General truth at Toastmasters – that people don’t like to be picked for speaking on a table topic.)

8. Chris last gave a speech 3 years ago. Looking forward to his next speech… in 2020.
(Exaggeration. And follow the formula – if x=y and y=z, then x=z. If Chris gave his last speech 3 years ago, then when will his next speech be? That’s Z.)

9. Chris actually said hello. He ended his sentence like this, “Limburg is hell”. And the stranger said, “Oh”. “Hell” “Oh”. “Hello”.
(Silly. Come up with silly ways to prove someone wrong and it’ll be funny. I wanted to prove Chris’ speech evaluator wrong and I came up with this silly idea. If the idea isn’t silly, it would sound so serious and it would sound like you’re taking revenge on that person for something he or she did.)

10. 74% have fear of public speaking. It used to be 78%. 4% died on stage.
(Truth. Best line of the monologue which got huge laughter.)

11. 19 million hits on Google for the search on “the fear of public speaking”. Seems nobody has the fear of public writing. 19 million people wrote about it.
(I thought the audience would understand when I end with “fear of public writing”, but they didn’t. So I had to add an extra line on the fly – 19 million people wrote about it. Decent response.)

12. I don’t know how I have the fear of public speaking. I don’t have any brain at all.
(Self deprecation. Absurdity. Since a speaker said that 3 parts of the brain are the reason for the fear of public speaking.)

13. If anyone would like to have me as a Christmas present, that would be 300 bucks please.
(When I started this line, huge laughter erupted because my actual table topic speech got huge laughter for the twist. So just recalling it was enough to get the laughter. I added 300 bucks to end the year 2016. Festive season starts…)

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