Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – February 22, 2017

Here is another Observational Humor monologue presented at the end of a meeting. We’ll tell you what was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was presented.

THE SET-UP. We will give you enough background to help you understand the jokes.
1. One of the guests said, “My goal for tonight is to become a member.”

2. Shashi gave a speech about bias. He switched off the lights, asked us to close our eyes, then asked us to imagine few things – first a red apple, then a flower, then a garden, and finally a terrorist.

3. Shashi said that he loves shopping back home in India. Because if he wants to buy a pair of jeans in a shop, the shop worker would come to you, help you in selecting the jeans you want and convince you that it’s the best offer you can get in the market. But in the Netherlands, you have to go to a shop, select yourself, and convince yourself that you got a great deal.

4. Irina and Shane were tied in the results for the best table-topics speaker. Shane said, “Let Irina take the first slot because ladies first.”

5. Irina said that her colleague, an American, talked to a huge audience. In the first minute, everybody was laughing, in the second minute they became friends, because he shared his personal story – he had 7 kids and it was difficult having them.

6. Shashi said that they place all expensive items on the top at your eye level in the supermarket and all the inexpensive ones at the bottom.

7. Inna gave a speech about buying a home in the Netherlands. She asked, “What’s your dream home?” She said that we can “LEND” money from bank. Netherlanders use the word “lend” for both borrow and lend.

8. One of the table topics was “What did you learn in the Netherlands?”

The Humor Monologue
1. Dear Inna, Irina, and the rest. Ladies first.
(It was a nice opener. Rule of 3. There were only 2 ladies – so it turned out to be a great opener.)

2. [switches off light] Close your eyes… See you tomorrow.
(Silly – to put them to sleep and leave the room)

3. My goal for tonight is to convince you to buy… MY jeans. Starting bid 3 euros.
(Silly – selling my jeans. And it paints a funny picture – Naked me)

4. How many of you had me in your mind when Shashi said “terrorist”.
(Self deprecation. Huge laughter.)

5. Being a terrorist is much easier than being a husband.
(Exaggeration. Following my usual theme of wife jokes.)

6. Tomorrow, the forecast is storm, which means I’ll have to work from home. I’ll miss my quality time at office… away from my wife.
(Following on the last joke)

7. Having 7 kids is not at all difficult. Having ONE WIFE is.
(Unexpected punchline. When I said that having 7 kids is not at all difficult, the audience expected something like, “How can it be easy”. But I reversed and went into a different route – If this is not difficult, then what’s difficult?)

8. Inna’s colleague has 7 kids. No wonder he’s comfortable talking to a big group of people.
(Truth. Paints a funny picture. A guy talking to a big group of people – all of whom are his kids.)

9. When I talk, the first minute, everyone laughs, the second minute, they become friends, and the third minute, they send me Candy Crush game requests.
(Universal joke. i.e. someone sending you Candy Crush requests on Facebook. Rule of three. Break audience expectation – when I said, “they become friends”, the audience assume we become real-life friends. But the punchline reveals that we become Facebook friends.)

10. My dream house is the one… without my wife.
(Best line of the monologue. Unexpected punchline.)

11. Here’s an idea to reduce your expenses in the supermarket. Send your kid for shopping.
(Paints a funny picture. Visual joke. The kid will be short and he/she can only pick inexpensive items.)

12. What did I learn in the Netherlands? I can “lend” money from bank.
(People could relate to what I was saying. So it worked out.)

13. I love how the marriage system works back home in India. Your parents would come to you, show a girl’s picture, and try to convince you that she is the best available in the market.
(Another best line of the monologue. Parallel story. I was thinking of a parallel story for the Jeans story that Shashi said and it perfectly matched.)

14. But here in the Netherlands, you have to pick a girl yourself. Blonde or black? Short or tall? Young or old? And then convince yourself that you got a good deal.
(Topper to the last joke)


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