Category Archives: Boost with Bala. Maltova with Mark.

Boost with Bala. Maltova with Mark – Season 1 Episode 3.

This episode is FIFA WC 2014 special. Mark and I answer all the questions related to football. Read and Enjoy.
Mark and Bala

FIFA WC 2014
Q: What is football?
Bala: Football is almost equal to Hockey. Except for this one difference: Instead of using hockey sticks, all players use their legs to kick opponent players’ ass.
Mark: Bala is right. Football is a kickass game.

Q: What is ‘goal’?
Bala: Goal is to kill at least one of the opponent players. Either by firing a gun or taking a big sword and inserting into opponent’s stomach. Please note that kicking is strictly not allowed. That’s penalty.
Mark: Arey, you stupid, Bala! Why do you give such wrong information? Dear person who asked this question, ‘Goal’ is a John Abraham movie.

Q: What is ‘own goal’?
Bala: Ongole is a city in Andhra Pradesh.
Mark: A true own goal is, in which the team puts the ball through their own goal post. They do it to test how good their own goalkeeper is.

Q: If both teams have scored same number of goals, who is the winner?
Bala: The team with maximum number of players alive.
Mark: If it’s first round, it’s a draw. If it’s a knockout stage, then two 15 minute periods of extra time will be given. If the teams are still tied, a penalty shoot-out will be held. Of course shoot-out with guns and bullets.

Q: What kind of training one should take to become a great football player?
Bala: Karate, Kungfu, and Judo. I don’t have to tell you why. Still… Winning is not everything. Staying alive is.
Mark: An aspiring footballer should take a speaking course. Of course, to argue with the referee.

Q: What is a goalkeeper?
Bala: Goalkeeper is the only person who can touch the ball by hands within their penalty area. So it is wise to choose someone who has “both hands” as goalkeeper.
Mark: If your goalkeeper is Baba Ramdev, make sure he has “both legs”. Because he catches by legs and runs by hands.

Q: What is red card?
Bala: There is no red card in football. It’s actually white card. It turned red because someone stabbed the referee. And blood….
Mark: Red is handed to a player who’s caught red-handed.

Q: What is yellow card?
Bala: There is no yellow card in football. It’s actually white card. It turned yellow because the refree did shit in fear.
Mark: If an American player gets red card, then it’s called yellow card. Because green card + red card = yellow card (In RGB color system).

Q: What is a referee?
Bala: Referee is the person who can save a player’s life by giving him red card and sending him out of field.
Mark: Referee is the person responsible for enforcing the laws of the game. When someone violates the law, he won’t give him card, rather make him play more.

Q: Why do they still play when it’s raining?
Bala: Because it is easy to wash all the blood.
Mark: Actually they like playing in rain. Because no one can find out when they pee their pants in fear.

Q: What is a team manager’s main job?
Bala: Team manager’s main job is to wear a suit.
Mark: Team manager’s main job is to tell his players which side they should put the goal. “Arey, this side, this side… NOT THAT SIDE…”

Q: Why do they play national anthem before the start of every game?
Bala: Just to make sure whether the right teams are on the field.
Mark: They play it at the start of every game because many of them won’t be alive to hear it at the end of the game.

Q: What is a substitute?
Bala: Normally, sentence reduction is given to prisoners who maintain good behavior while imprisoned. Same thing here. God save the guy going in as substitute.
Mark: If a player is injured, in place of him, a substitute will go in, to get injured.

Q: Why do they swap ends after half-time?
Bala: It’s a trick to make the players put own goal.
Mark: Because the players think that the grass is always greener on the other side.

Q: Why does a player run to a corner and shout after he scores a goal?
Bala: Actually he tries to run out of the ground and escape. But then all other players run after him, catch him, and jump over him. Poor guy. He shouts in pain.
Mark: Actually he runs to the corner and shouts, “The ball went in by mistake. Don’t think I’m good and please don’t make me play the next game.”

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Boost with Bala. Maltova with Mark – Season 1 Episode 2.

Here are some questions from our blog readers, blog non-readers, and god. And the answers from Bala and Mark. Enjoy.
Mark and Bala
Q: How can I become an actress?
Bala: Becoming an actress is extremely difficult. Especially if you are a guy.
Mark: Exercise regularly, eat healthy diet, and sleep well. Sleeping well is very important. Then you will become an actress. In your dreams.

Q: How can I make soft idly?
Bala: Take ponni rice and urad dal, soak in water for 3 hours. Grind it to make idly batter. Take that batter and pour on your wife’s head and ask her to stop watching tele-serials and start making idly.
Mark: Sorry, I don’t even know how to make hard idly.

Q: I want to reduce 30 kilos in 3 weeks. What’s the best way to achieve it?
Bala: I’ve just emailed you the best method that worked for me. Never ever try this if your current weight is 30 kilos.
Mark: Week 1 – Run for 501 kms. Week 2 – Run for 502 kms. Week 3 – Run if you are alive.

Q: How can I double my money quickly?
Bala: Drink plenty of alcohol. Within 26 minutes, not only money, everything will look double.
Mark: Don’t worry. I know a secret to double, triple, even quadruple the money you have. But the thing is that you should have 0 rupees.

Q: I have been using the same toothpaste for the last 3 years by squeezing and squeezing. How long can I keep using the same toothpaste?
Bala: As long as you have teeth.
Mark: Don’t listen to Bala. Even after you lose all your teeth, keep using the toothpaste, as shaving cream.

Q: I have stomach pain. What should I do?
Bala: Ask your wife not to punch anymore in your stomach.
Mark: You should visit a doctor. I mean a psychiatrist. Why are you asking medical questions to us?

Q: How can I replace my manager at work? I don’t want to switch company either.
Bala: String str = “My manager at work”;
str.replace(“My manager at work”, “I”);
switch(company) {

Mark: Go steal your manager’s chair. Then your manager will have no way other than switching to a new company. Because he has no chair to sit on.

Q: Tell me the easiest way to get 100 in Maths.
Bala: Go ask all your doubts to the maths teacher, like what’s (a+b)2, what’s (a-b)2, and whether he would like the cash in 500s or 1000s.
Mark: If you get caught, someone else will get 100. Police, that is.

Q: I want to use a long and strong password. Can you give a suggestion?
Bala: Normally guys keep their girlfriend’s name as password. So, find a girlfriend with whom your relationship will be long and strong.
Mark: Sorry for the late response, man. We didn’t see your question for a long time, because somebody hacked our website, email, and twitter account.

Q: When is the next episode of “Beer with Bala and Martini with Mark”?
Bala: Hello, hello. It’s Boost with Bala and Maltova with Mark. Why are you talking about alcohol? I am going to ‘complan’ to your mom.
Mark: We promise that the next episode will definitely be in this ‘quarter’.

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Boost with Bala. Maltova with Mark – Season 1 Episode 1.

Here are some questions from our blog readers, blog non-readers, and god. And the answers from Bala and Mark. Enjoy.
Mark and Bala
Q: Why is it dark at night?
Bala: It is nature’s way of making sure that our electricity bills are high.
Mark: It’s dark at night so that some people will have jobs. People like electricians, fireworks labours, and robbers.

Q: How can I protect myself from robbers?
Bala: Always keep a knife, chilly powder, gun (if possible) in your bag. When someone tries to rob you, give him all your cash and escape.
Mark: Watch movies like Karate Kid, Kung fu Panda, Kung fu Panda part II etc. That’s it. YOU ROBBER!! You watched the movies in pirated CD/torrent, didn’t you?

Q: How many times I can vote?
Bala: You can vote as many times as the number of index fingers you have on your left hand. If you want to vote many times, I’d suggest you go for index-finger transplant.
Mark: Don’t waste too much money on index-finger transplant. I’ll tell you a cost-effective way for voting many times. Bite the part of index finger where the ink is put. Feed your hungry dog. All set for voting again. If you don’t have a dog, buy one. Dog is cheaper than index-finger transplant.

Q: My wife is sick. Can I go vote for her?
Bala: Your wife is sick? You lucky bastard.
Mark: Go and admit your wife in a good hospital. Come back home and party hard. “Opa Gangnam style”… Don’t forget to invite us.

Q: Who should I vote for?
Bala: Vote for anybody you like. But keep one thing in mind: If you are not yet 18, don’t forget to steal your dad’s voter ID card.
Mark: Vote for the one who will be patient with people, work day and night, and bring change. No, I’m not talking about beggars.

Q: How does this Anna guy live without eating? He never gets hungry or what?
Bala: Who said he’s not hungry? He’s so hungry that he can eat everyone’s index fingers.
Mark: Cancel the order that you made for a hungry dog.

Q: I’m 24. When should I get married?
Bala: You should achieve “at least one” of your ambitions before you get married. My ambitions are, becoming a millionaire, building a super computer, and turning 28.
Mark: Don’t have such extremely high ambitions. Have something easy like this: turning 28, turning 26, and turning 24.

Q: My husband smokes 20 cigarettes a day. What should I do?
Bala: Oh. Your husband’s ambition is to die at 28?
Mark: When your husband smokes his next cigarette, call the fire engine. When they arrive, tell them that “there is no smoke without fire”. Thank me later.

Q: What should I get for my wife’s birthday? Is Audi Q7 car a good idea?
Bala: Amazing. I can’t believe it!!! YOU REALLY REMEMBER YOUR WIFE’S BIRTHDAY???
Mark: Audi Q7 is really a good idea. Drive her to a nice restaurant. Order nice food. And when she goes to the restroom, drive back home. Alone.

Q: I’m doing 8th std. During class time, I like to talk with my friend in the last bench. But my teacher punishes me and asks me to remain silent. Should I remain silent?
Bala: Yes. If you remain silent, you will achieve a lot. You may even become Prime Minister.
Mark: Yes, remain silent. And set your teacher’s jaw to fire. When your friends shout in panic, advise them to remain silent.

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