Category Archives: comedy

Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters Division Conference – April 11, 2015

Read the set-up below and then read the humor monologue.

THE SET-UP (What was said and what happened during the conference before the monologue was delivered)

1. The keynote speaker Winston Scholsberg gave an energetic speech about WES method, his own method for better speaking. He said he gave 6000 performances before he devised his method. [He is a great, extra-ordinary speaker, coach. Visit his website]

2. Winston asked us to put a smile on our face when we begin our speech because smile is for free.

3. To connect with the audience, Winston said this crazy phrase and asked the audience to repeat “Aey ding ding [audience repeat] shikiri ding ding [audience repeat] aey ding ding [audience repeat]”.. goes on like that. He also clapped and asked the audience to repeat “Clap [audience repeat] Clap clap [audience repeat] clap clap clap [audience repeat]” goes on like that.

4. Winston asked us to tell stories to children to become master story teller because if you can keep a child interested in your story, then you can keep anyone interested.

5. Winston was talking about doing taxes and asked us to not miss two zeroes by mistake while filing taxes.

6. One speaker said if you have stain on your shirt, make the whole shirt stainy so people can’t find the stain at all.

7. One speaker said he read so many self-help books on “How to become rich” and most of them suggest to repeat affirmations but it didn’t work for him even after trying for one year. At the end of one year, he won a lottery… for 5 euros.

8. One speaker told she wishes to be somebody else. She wishes to be cat.. or tree.. or whale. That same speaker told that she wants to have six-pack.

9. Winston asked us to keep telling our names. Because many of our names are unpronounceable and we may feel embarrassed. When we repeat telling our names, we feel good about ourselves. He asked us to be the champion of saying our own names. If it still doesn’t work, he asked us to change our name (jokingly said).

10. Dermot gave another guest speech. He made self-deprecating joke. “Winston’s speech was energetic. My speech is just average.” Dermot during his speech referred to the Netherlands as a country without hills or mountain (which is true).

11. Saby told that he works in a bank and it’s not so exciting job.

12. One speaker gave a big speech about time. Take your time. Use your time. Enjoy your time etc. She said the word ‘time’ a lot of times.

13. Andy was the contest master for evaluation contest. While announcing the speech rules regd. time, he messed it up. He said speakers have to speak between 2 and 3 minutes. Then he said, no it’s between 1.5 and 3 minutes. Then the audience corrected him that it’s between 1.5 and 3.5 minutes.

14. One speaker asked us to jump out of the box.

15. One speaker told once he was playing basket ball and his father was shouting from the audience “Take the shot from sizzy.”

The Humor Monologue

1. Good evening toastmasters, guests… cats, trees, whales.

2. Winston’s speech was energetic. Dermot’s speech was average. My speech is going to be below average.

3. My jokes are like the Netherlands. They fall ‘flat’.

4. Use your time wisely. Take a break now. And come back when my speech is over.

5. I wish to be somebody else too. Whenever I’m on stage, I desperately wish to be an audience.

6. Yey ding ding [audience repeat] Shikiri ding ding [audience repeat] Yey ding ding [audience repeat] shikiri ding ding [audience repeat] Yey ding ding [audience repeat] BALA is funny [audience didn’t repeat] COME ON. SAY THAT [huge laughter].

7. How I got rich? I steal. Okay. Let me not talk about that.

8. How I got funny? I pay the audience. The audience get paid by the number of laughs.

9. I have read dozens of books on “How to make the audience laugh”. All of them highlight this one specific technique – “Tell a joke”.

10. Winston advised to put a smile on your face at the beginning of your speech. But I never smile. It’s extremely hard for me to smile. The only way by which I can put a smile on my face is like this [I place a paper around my face in which a smiley is drawn] Hello ladies & gentlemen [I speak in mickey voice]

11. The bad news is this smile is not free. I paid 3 euros for the pen ad 10 cents for the paper. The good news is I won a lottery for 3 euros and 10 cents.

12. Jump out of the box… unless you are a boxer. In which case, stay inside the box.. and wait for your father to shout “Punch hard on the face of sizzy.”

13. Andy got the ‘time’ wrong. 1.5 or 2 or 3 minutes. After which, Ashley gave a whole big lecture on ‘time’.

14. Ashley said the word ‘time’ like a million times that she is now the World Champion of saying ‘time’.

15. How to be a great story-teller? Tell stories to children. Don’t have children? No worries. Just board a flight, and you will find a child at your back seat.

16. If you have stain on your shirt, make the whole shirt stainy? Okay. If you have a big big belly, don’t worry. All you have to do is grow other parts of the body to match with your belly.

17. I see many of you have stains on your shirt. And to cover that up, you are wearing suit.

18. Winston said to me, “While doing taxes, don’t miss two zeroes.” I was like, “What? What is tax?” He said, “Man, you’re in a BIG trouble.” I asked, “What should I do now?” He said, “To escape from the govt. change your name.”

19. I am funny. I devised “Bala’s method of being funny”. It’s called B.E.S. Do you know how many performances I did to make B.E.S? 6000 performances… while sleeping. This is the first time I’m performing when I’m awake, and many people are sleeping.

20. Saby said he works in a bank and it’s not so exciting. Well Saby, this Monday is gonna be exciting. I will meet you in the bank with a face mask.

21 *clap clap* [audience repeat] *clap clap* [audience repeat] *clap clap clap clap clap etc* [audience repeat] Thank you very much for clapping for my speech.

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