Category Archives: How To Series

How to improvise

Tonight, our office celebrated an yearly function called ‘Sparkles’ which is a combined celebration of Diwali, Sinterklaas, Christmas. During that function, there was a game show and I improvised on that game show. I wanted to give this improvised speech immediately after the game show since it would have more effect and connect with the audience. But the hosts denied giving me a chance since they were running out of time. Anyhow they said that I could give this speech during the openmic when everyone starts eating. I did that, but 90% of the audience were not in a receptive mood and it was a bad bad idea to have decided to give that speech when the audience were eating. Still, some colleagues appreciated and told that the jokes were funny afterwards. Here is what happened during the game show and below that you will find my improvised speech.

Game show:
The hosts asked the audience these 3 questions.
1. Whoever has got the longest nail in the audience can come and collect the prize.
2. Whoever in the audience has a pink kerchief can come and collect the prize.
3. Whoever in the audience can laugh out loud can collect the prize. Only one person came forward to laugh, he loudly said ‘Ha ha’ and collected the prize.

Improvised Speech:
1. Good evening people who have long nails, short nails, and no nails.

2. I am going to tell jokes. I think I am going to have a hard time because I know that there is only one person in this house who knows how to laugh.

3. I am going to tell you why I didn’t win those 3 prizes even I could have. First of all tell me how many of you like soccer.. Please raise your legs.

4. Before coming to this function I was watching a soccer match between ManU and Man City. The match was so interesting. That had a nail-biting finish. I ate my all my nails. Now you know why no prize for the 1st question.

5. Once I ran out of all my nails, I mistakenly ate my pink hand kerchief.

6. My favorite team lost the match. I have been crying ever since that time. And you are asking me to laugh out loud??

7. What a pity!! To wipe my tears, I don’t even have a kerchief.

8. Now the 4th question to you. Whoever can make me laugh will get all my nails.

9. Thank you very much… for not laughing.

Advertisements

How to propose to a girl

Stop reading this post right here right now… if you are a girl. Because you don’t want to propose to another girl.

Guys, keep reading. It’s mandatory for you to know how to say, without fear, to a girl those 3 golden words: “No more shopping”. Just kidding. This post is about how to say “I love you”.

Honey, it's a public place. I'll kneel down at our home.

Honey, it’s a public place. I’ll kneel down at our home.

Preparation:
Before you propose to a girl, you should prepare yourself for it. Following tips will help you a lot.

1. You need a diamond ring to propose. So, go to the best jewelry in your city, point to the costliest diamond ring in the showcase in that shop, and ask the owner if they can make a duplicate diamond ring like that for 100 rupees.

2. What guys normally do is, they put on their face the following: cleanser, moisturizer, fair & lovely, rose powder, and all the things that make them handsome before they propose to a girl. That’s absolutely bad idea. You should apply the worst-smelling, irritating, jelly thing on your face. Say for example, cow dung. The reason why I’m telling this is when you propose to a girl, and she doesn’t like it, at least she won’t slap on your face. See. How effective! Go meet a cow farm owner. Now.

3. She will always be hanging out with her friends. It is hard for you to propose when she is with her friends. You have to be prepared to propose in a place where she will be alone. Yes. Be prepared to propose in ladies toilet.

4. When you’re going to propose, you should not forget what you’re going to say. So, prepare yourself. Write everyday 100 times in a notebook what’re going to say. And that is “I love you”. Yes, 3 WORDS. It’s really hard to remember. In case you forget any one word, it’ll be a problem. Say for example, it’ll be a big big problem if you say, “I love your grandmother”.

Ok, now that you are fully prepared, you need a handful of techniques to propose. Here they are.

The ring technique:
Get a costly diamond ring (refer to point no. 1 n the preparations section) and propose to her. Suppose you love a girl named Srabanti and you want to propose to her, try like this.

You: Srab, let’s go for a long walk.
Srabanti: Will you buy me french fries and ice cream?
(Buy ice cream and whatever she wants).
*You are walking. And she is walking and eating*
You: Srab. I want to tell an important thing to you.
Srabanti: Great. Let’s eat that samosa and talk. Go buy that, na?
(Buy samosa and whatever she wants)
*You are sitting. She is sitting and eating*
You: Srab, listen carefully. It’s very important.
Srabanti: Arey yaar. These samosas are too small. Go buy few more. Also buy samosa chat. Also coke.
(Buy coke and whatever she wants)
*You are sitting. She is sitting and eating and drinking*
You: Srab, will you marry me? *bend one knee and give her the diamond ring*
Srabanti: Awwwww!!
*she tries to wear that ring you gave and it’s not fitting any of her fingers*
You: *mind voice* How will it fit?! After all the french fries, ice cream, samosa, chat, coke you ate, your fingers have doubled in size.
Srabanti: While I’m trying to wear this ring, go buy that popcorn, no?
(BUY WHATEVER SHE WANTS)

The healthy technique:
For a healthy relationship, try this technique.
Suppose you love a girl named Srabanti to whom you’re a stranger, try a conversation like this.

You: Hey Srab.
Srabanti: Yes. Do I know you?
You: For the last one year, I’ve been eating only broccoli, almonds, walnuts, oats, salmon, Tuna, Tofu, carrot.
Srabanti: Why are you telling me all this?
You: These foods are very good for healthy heart. And you’re my heart.
Srabanti: For the last 20 years, I’ve been eating only roti and dal.
You: Why are you telling me this?
Srabanti: It gives me the ultimate strength to slap anyone hard.
You: Hahahaha *evil laugh* Go on girl. Slap. *looking at the cow dung on your face* (See my idea worked out)

The right-place technique:
If you want the girl to say yes, you should propose in a place that she likes. You can take her to many places. Below are some examples:
1. To a shopping mall.
2. To any beautiful city that has a shopping mall (Note: Avoid cities in Kerala and Bengal. Because all shops are always closed due to strike).
3. To any house or apartment… that is soon to be destructed and constructed as shopping mall.

The easy technique:
This method is very simple. Suppose you love a girl named Srabanti who is aged 24 and from Kolkata and you’ve never talked with her, try like this.

You: Hi there.
Srabanti: Yes.
You: Are you Srabanti?
Srabanti: Yes.
You: Are you from Kolkata?
Srabanti: Yes.
You: Are you 24?
Srabanti: Yes (Let’s assume she is not like every other girl who reduces her age).
You: Do you love me?
Srabanti: Yes (She must say yes, because she answered yes to all your previous questions and she would continue with ‘yes’ for any question you ask).
You: Well, here, take this.
Srabanti: What is this?
You: Our wedding invitation. It’s on June 26. Come with the family, ok?

See how easy it is. It’s a proven technique. It worked for all 50 people who tried it. Yes. Now, Srabanti has 47 husbands. And 3 wives (Those 3 girls missed to read the first line of this post).

The extremely-easy technique:
If you want to impress a girl and get married to her, just use this one line. It’s very effective.

You: Hey Srab.
Srabanti: Yes. Do I know you?
You: I don’t watch IPL and FIFA WC.
Srabanti: I love you darling. Let’s get married right now.

See how extremely easy it is. Once you get married, watch all IPL matches and all FIFA WC matches. Don’t worry about Srab. If she asks why you watch all these crap when you said before marriage that you never watch any of these, just tell these 7 words: “Inspired by Modi’s achche din aanewale hain”. Case closed.

I can go on and tell you more techniques, but my mom is calling me.
Me: What mom?
Mom: Jeeeez! How come there is a cow in our backyard? And what is cow dung doing on your face?

How to sell a bike: Tutorial

By bike, I don’t mean the motor vehicle you are imagining. I mean the bicycle. Bicycles are called pedal bikes or bikes. In this post, I am going to share the funny ad that I gave to sell the cycle and the responses I got.

History of that bike:
It’s a secondhand bike owned by my roommate. He bought it for 50 Euros an year ago. The back tyre is completely gone now. Changing the tyre will cost 30 Euros. So, instead of doing that, he bought another secondhand bike for 45 Euros (which is really good). So, I gave an ad to sell his old cycle. Here is the ad that I gave in ISN.

Ad in ISN:
Hi ISNers,

I would like to sell my bike for 40 Euros. The bike is in good condition, except that you have to change the back tyre. And there is no light.

All gears are working except 2. The rest 1 gear is working perfectly fine. Who needs more than one gear!!

You may also have to change the front tyre in a month. or a day depending upon when you complete 3.6 meters of ride.

Brakes are working perfectly fine. But you have to apply the brakes before 3 hours if you wish to stop somewhere.

The bike has too much demand. There are already 3 guys in queue to buy this bike. But i want to sell it to some good person. So, hurry up.

I have 10 years of biking experience. And I tell you that you will never see such a bike in your entire life. It’s once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

If you need the pics of the bike just let me know. I am a professional photographer. So, be ready to pay. Not much costly. Just 45 Euros for 1024*768 resolution pic. A picture is worth 1000 words you know? 0.45 Euros per word.

Regards,
Amazing Bike owner

Here is the pic of the bike

Amazing_Bike

Here are some of the responses to the ad.
Response from Srinivasan Narayanasamy:
Hi Bala,

I liked your writing style. Keep it up.
After long time, I am reading an interesting email

Best Regards
Srini

Response from Maria Fernanda:
Hi bala,

I would like to see the pic of this bike. I am interested ib buy it

Regards!
Maria

%d bloggers like this: