Category Archives: Humor Monologues

Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – February 7, 2018

Here is another Observational Humor monologue presented at the end of a meeting. We’ll tell you what was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was presented.

THE SET-UP. We will give you enough background to help you understand the jokes.
1. The word of the day was ‘Zealot’ meaning fanatic about something. e.g. Zealot speaker = someone who is fanatic about speaking.

2. Emcee was late to the meeting.

3. One of the table topics speakers was talking about experiment about getting back things from space to earth.

4. Free food was available during the break.

5. Floris said that the best way to talk is Face to Face. He asked to avoid socialmedia chats.

6. One of the table topics was “What kind of car do you like?”

7. Herman’s speech was “You are what you eat”. He said that apricot kernels are poisonous. He suggested cooking with coconut oil as an alternative to butter.

8. Mike gave a demo on using our TM Club website. The speech went over time – 36 mins in total. In the first page of our website he showed pics of the board members and in the second page he showed a group pic of all club members wearing masks.

9. Mike finished his speech by showing a slide having an angry kid pic with caption “Any questions?”

10. Two speakers mentioned that I have grown fluffy beard. It became sort of like running gag.

The Humor Monologue
1. Dear Toastmasters, guests, and free-food zealots.
(Using the word of the day and rule of three.)

2. Sorry that the emcee was late tonight. We had a hard time bringing her back from space.
(First line got good laughter – i.e. I am asking sorry for her being late. It was like deprecating the emcee. It triggers the superiority theory in the audience. The topper paints a funny picture.)

3. I am always free. Because you are what you eat. I eat FREE food.
(Self deprecation. Wordplay)

4. Floris said that the best way to talk is Face to Face. But I prefer Facebook to Facebook.
(Wordplay)

5. What kind of car do I like? The one that has no kids in the backseat… and wife in the next seat.
(Universal humor. i.e. it’s hard to manage the kids in the backseat. The topper is again universal humor. i.e. disturbing-wife when you’re driving)

6. Don’t eat anything that’s poisonous. I don’t eat anything that my wife cooks. I tell her, “Better give me apricot kernels.”
(One of the best lines of the monologue. My usual wife roast joke. The topper got more laughter. Apricot Kernel itself is funny-sounding.)

7. Obviously cooking with crude oil gives fluffy beard. Good that my wife is not here.
(Another best line. Used the listing technique. The speaker suggested coconut oil for cooking. I listed all possible things in oil and came up with an absurd thing that is funny to use for cooking. I chose crude. Crude is also funny-sounding. The topper got the best laughter of the evening. Two reasons:
1. Implicit punchline.
2. It paints a funny picture – my wife with beard.)

8. Mike showed on our TM website in the first page the beautiful board members. In the second page, ugly club members. That’s why we were wearing masks.
(Self-deprecation. Here self = club. Technique = giving a new definition. I was thinking why we could be wearing a mask? I came up with the self-deprecating punchline ‘ugly’.)

9. Mike’s speech on using our TM Club website was too long. He could’ve shorten it by showing us first how to log out.
(Snarky remark. Absurdity – if he had logged out, it would’ve shorten the time, but there would’ve been no demo at all.)

10. Any questions? Better ask Mike.
(Callback to Mike using an angry kid pic for closing questions)

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Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – September 20, 2017

Here is another Observational Humor monologue presented at the end of a meeting. We’ll tell you what was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was presented.

THE SET-UP. We will give you enough background to help you understand the jokes.
1. The theme of the meeting was “Going Offline”. The emcee asked us not to use smartphones until the meeting ends.

2. I haven’t paid my membership renewal fee yet.

3. One of the table topics was “Are you addicted to internet?”. Mike was called to speak. He asked the table topics master, “Sorry, what was your question?”

4. Another table topic was “What’s the longest period you didn’t use internet?”

5. Another table topic was “If there is only only thing that you can use internet for, what would that be?”

6. Dinil said he would not use smartphone at all when he goes to India. Because he would spend most of his time with his family.

The Humor Monologue
1. [takes smartphone out of the pocket and checks the messages]
(Audience already started laughing. Good opener. Do something that someone asks you not to do.)

2. Good evening toastmasters with smartphones and toastmasters with Nokia phones.
(Joke on Nokia on how they’re lagging)

3. Mike, sorry, I haven’t paid the membership fee. And I’d like to let you know that I’m going offline for 1 year.
(Break the audience expectation. When I said, “I’d like to let you know”, the audience would assume “I’m going to pay it soon.” But then I said, “I’m going offline for 1 year”. The implied punchline was “I’ll not pay the fee for 1 year”.)

4. Does anyone want to get rid of smartphone addiction? Good news for you. I’m creating an App for it.
(Irony)

5. [does role play] When Mike came to speak on the table topic, he asked, “Sorry, what was your question?”.
“The question is, Are you addicted to internet, Mike?”.
“Yes, of course, when you asked the question, I was checking my Facebook posts.”
(Give it a definition. Why didn’t Mike hear the question the first time? I used his table topic to define this behavior – i.e. he was addicted to FB)

6. The longest period when I didn’t use internet? ONE COMPLETE DAY. That was the day when my neighbors changed their WiFi password.
(Self deprecation. Best line of the monologue.)

7. When I’m with my wife, I only spend time with her and NEVER use smartphone. Only after she goes to sleep, I text my secret girlfriends.
(Deviate from the expected. It’s sort of paraprodoskian too. Initially the audience assume that when I’m with my wife, I don’t need a smartphone because I like spending time with her. But the punchline reveals that I can’t talk with my secret girlfriends when she is with me.)

8. [I just wrote this line, but didn’t use it in the monologue. When in doubt, don’t use it]
If I can keep only one thing on the internet, that would be… “porn movies”. Ah wait, I meant, Bourne movies.. Jason Bourne movies.

Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – September 6, 2017

Here is another Observational Humor monologue presented at the end of a meeting. We’ll tell you what was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was presented.

THE SET-UP. We will give you enough background to help you understand the jokes.
1. The theme of the meeting was “Growing every day”.

2. We had 2 guests; both were interns.

3. Karin, the timer, walked all the way from back to the stage to explain her timer role.

4. Herman gave a speech about drawing and composition. He explained warm colors look great and look nearby. He arranged objects (in a picture) in different positions to explain harmony. He finished his speech 3 mins over red.

5. Mike said he went on a hiking camp. He didn’t climb the mountain for 2 days because he was afraid. But on the 3rd day, he did just because it was the last day of the camp.

6. The evaluator said that Shane had his hands inside his pocket while walking to the stage, which was not good.

7. We had too much snacks at the meeting – candies, cakes, biscuits circulating over and over.

8. The general evaluator called the names of every person, told the audience how long they have been member of and appreciated as to how much they’ve improved.

9. Before the president introduced me as the Obs Humor master, lots of TMs interrupted and started asking questions about the upcoming contest, TED meeting in our city, and the Gala we planned in December. I had to wait for at least 5 mins.

10. Jasmin gave a speech about conspiracy theories, like alligators in New York.

The Humor Monologue
1. [shakes hand with the president] Don’t go. I have a question too.
(Good opening. Very fresh humor. Continued from where the audience left, and exaggerating. i.e. I’m trying to interrupt my own speech.)

2. I know it’s rhyming, but every time our president called me Bala, Bala, Herman was asking about Gala, Gala.
(Again very fresh humor. Noticed the rhyming when Herman interrupted. Worked well.)

3. Growing every day. My weight, my debt, and uh mm, my filler words.
(Self deprecation. The first two [weight, debt] were self deprecation in general. And the last one was specific to Toastmasters. I added “uh mm” before it to exaggerate it even more.)

4. If you see green light, you’re doing well. If you see amber, still well. If you see red, Karin will walk all the way to the stage and drag you from here.
(Paints a funny picture. Call back to Karin walking all the way from back to the stage to explain her role.)

5. Herman finished when it was red, because he likes warm colors.
(Associating his speech content with his timing)

6. Like Mike, I didn’t climb the mountain for 2 days. Then finally, I climbed up on the third day, when my wife came down.
(Usual wife roast joke. The punchline is hidden until the end. Diverted the audience. The audience expected that on the 3rd day I got rid of my fear. But I deviated and used “fear of wife” as punchline.)

7. My wife and I like to stay far away from each other, because that way, we create the perfect harmony.
(Callback to Herman’s speech on composition and arranging objects far from each other to create harmony.)

8. One of the biggest conspiracy theory is “Happily married”. Have you ever seen one?
(Again marriage joke.)

9. Shane, kindly give back all the candies, cakes, biscuits you’ve stored in your trouser pockets.
(Associating Shane keeping his hands in his pockets with lots of snacks around the table.)

10. Shaoxiong is with the club for 6 months, improved a lot; Mike is here for 3 years, improved a lot; I’m here for 5 years, improved my skills… in finding my way to Toastmasters meeting hall. Hope next year I can find the place without a navigator.
(Self deprecation. Topper reveals that I still use navigator, which is even more self deprecation)

11. Shane, take your hands off your pockets, and clap for me.
(Callback to Shane keeping his hands in his pockets for a closer.)

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