Read the set-up below and then read the humor monologue.
THE SET-UP (What was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was delivered)
1. One of the tabletopics was “What’s the worst movie you’ve ever seen. And convince the audience to watch it.” Bart talked. He said “Scary movie” is the worst. He said, a girl walks topless in the movie. That’s one good point to watch it. Then he corrected himself, “Wait.. that’s 2 good points”. (You know what he meant)
2. One of the table topics was “Act like a frog and convince a princess to kiss it”. Floris was talking. At that time Jitske entered the meeting room (she was late) and he described her as princess.
3. Rubin talked about building websites. He said, “Less is more”. He finished his speech in 9.5 minutes. That’s 3 minutes overtime.
4. Richard said he built a website for someone and he got that person’s car for free in return.
5. Richard said, “To succeed in life, don’t always enjoy pleasure. Take some bad things too. Like, if you eat broccoli a lot and avoid chocolates, you’ll be healthy and successful.”
6. Justina’s speech topic was “Conduct yourself”. She asked everyone to stand in front of mirror and act like the music conductor and practice our speeches. She said it’d help develop body language and express freely.
7. Wilhelm evaluated Rubin’s speech. He said that Rubin moved his hands a lot. While going back to his seat, Wilhelm forgot to shake hands with the general evaluator.
8. Richard’s speech evaluator said that it’s have been nice if he had also given personal definition of success.
The Humor Monologue
1. I’m going to give the worst speech you’d have ever heard. I can’t convince you to listen to it because I don’t even have “ONE” good point.
2. The frog was trying to kiss a dead princess?? Because the princess was “late”.
3. Less is more? Ok. Rubin, who said this, talked 3 minutes more than allocated time.
4. Hey Richard, the website you built for me crashed. To be fair, go drive the car I gave you… and crash.
5. Don’t forget to eat broccoli before you drive. So that you’ll be successful in crashing.
6. I stood in front of a mirror and I was conducting myself. Then the queue started getting longer in the office toilet.
7. Wilhelm follows what he preaches. He asked Rubin not to shake his hands. And Wilhelm didn’t shake hands with Tobias.
8. My personal definition of success. Never go to stage.
I gave my fourth prepared speech in Toastmasters tonight. Initially, when I thought of preparing a speech (couple of weeks ago) for this project, I decided to speak on Dutch culture. But somehow, as usual, I just procrastinated. I didn’t write down something until yesterday for my speech tonight. Writing down a speech on Dutch culture within a day is the second difficult task for me. Well, the first difficult one is getting a date with a Dutch girl, or any girl.
This morning, I was looking for a topic on which I could speak tonight. It made sense to give a speech on what I’m good at – procrastination. Yeah, tonight, in the Toastmasters meeting, I gave a speech on this topic. And the title of my speech was “Procrastinating Family”. Here is the speech I wrote down.
Tonight, I am going to tell you something about my family. My family is a procrastinating family. Each and everyone of us is good at procrastinating. I’ll tell about each and everyone in my family.
I’m passionate and crazy about writing. But I never write. My friend asked me why I never write when my passion is writing. I told him that I had just planted the tree. When the tree grows and it’s cut down to make paper, I’ll start writing on it. In other words, I come up with very innovative excuses.
My brother must be the master of procrastination. I think he must have born as my elder brother, but he just procrastinated and born as my younger brother.
And my mom – she procrastinates too. She waited for 10 months to give birth to me and my brother.
My father – If he has to pay one dollar for every time he procrastinates, then at the end of year, he will end up paying nothing. I mean, he will procrastinate paying 1 million dollar too.
My grandfather died last year. We found that he was dead only after a couple of weeks after his death. For couple of weeks, we thought he was just procrastinating and lazy to wake up. Also, we procrastinated to check his breath.
It’s not only me, my bro, mom, dad, and papap that procrastinate. Even the alarm clock procrastinates in my home. It’ll go off only a couple of hours later than when it’s actually set up.
OK, enough about my family. Now, I’ll tell about things we follow and do at home. You all must be familiar with the proverb, “All is well that ends well”. In my family, we say, “All is well that at least starts”
We have interesting conversations at my home. To give an example, here is a usual thing that happens at our home.
My dad would shout, “When are you guys going to pay the electricity bill?”.
For which, someone would answer, “Tomorrow”
“When are you guys going to wash the car?”
“When are you going to give me an answer that is not the word ‘tomorrow’?”
My uncle is one guy who tries to teach our family some time management and priority assignment. He would say, “If you have many important tasks to complete, start doing the most important one first.”
One day, I had many tasks to do – do the dishes, wash the car, pay the electricity bill, complete the pending office work, set the alarm clock. When I thought about all these things, I became nervous and couldn’t breathe. I was confused and not sure which was the most important. I finally came to a conclusion that breathing was more important than anything, and I was just breathing for the next 3 days.
One day, everyone in my family except my grand dad left home. I was there, just breathing, at home. Suddenly, my grand dad started crying in chest pain. I didn’t know what to do. So I called my dad, “Hello papa, grand dad is crying in chest pain. I don’t know what to do. Should I admit him to the hospital or go to the library to return the book? Tell me which is the most important task.” My father screamed, “Whaaaat!! are you mad? Go to the hospital and admit your grand dad. Matter of life and death is the most important thing of all.” I said, “I know that, papa. But, this morning, when you left home, you said that if I didn’t return the library book today, you would kill me. So, I am not sure whether my life is more important or grand dad’s.”
We all love procrastinating. People say that you can’t achieve success if you procrastinate. Well, people, mark my words. We, the procrastinators, will also achieve success, maybe with some or more delay.
Our whole family discussed and decided to write a book on procrastination. The title of the book is going to be, “How to overcome procrastination in 30 decades”. One interesting thing about the book is that the first 300 pages of the book will be left blank. And the 301st page will read, “Rest of the content will be published in the next edition of this book.”