Category Archives: Humor Speech

Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – March 18, 2015

Read the set-up below and then read the humor monologue.

THE SET-UP (What was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was delivered)

1. One of the tabletopics was “What’s the worst movie you’ve ever seen. And convince the audience to watch it.” Bart talked. He said “Scary movie” is the worst. He said, a girl walks topless in the movie. That’s one good point to watch it. Then he corrected himself, “Wait.. that’s 2 good points”. (You know what he meant)

2. One of the table topics was “Act like a frog and convince a princess to kiss it”. Floris was talking. At that time Jitske entered the meeting room (she was late) and he described her as princess.

3. Rubin talked about building websites. He said, “Less is more”. He finished his speech in 9.5 minutes. That’s 3 minutes overtime.

4. Richard said he built a website for someone and he got that person’s car for free in return.

5. Richard said, “To succeed in life, don’t always enjoy pleasure. Take some bad things too. Like, if you eat broccoli a lot and avoid chocolates, you’ll be healthy and successful.”

6. Justina’s speech topic was “Conduct yourself”. She asked everyone to stand in front of mirror and act like the music conductor and practice our speeches. She said it’d help develop body language and express freely.

7. Wilhelm evaluated Rubin’s speech. He said that Rubin moved his hands a lot. While going back to his seat, Wilhelm forgot to shake hands with the general evaluator.

8. Richard’s speech evaluator said that it’s have been nice if he had also given personal definition of success.

The Humor Monologue

1. I’m going to give the worst speech you’d have ever heard. I can’t convince you to listen to it because I don’t even have “ONE” good point.

2. The frog was trying to kiss a dead princess?? Because the princess was “late”.

3. Less is more? Ok. Rubin, who said this, talked 3 minutes more than allocated time.

4. Hey Richard, the website you built for me crashed. To be fair, go drive the car I gave you… and crash.

5. Don’t forget to eat broccoli before you drive. So that you’ll be successful in crashing.

6. I stood in front of a mirror and I was conducting myself. Then the queue started getting longer in the office toilet.

7. Wilhelm follows what he preaches. He asked Rubin not to shake his hands. And Wilhelm didn’t shake hands with Tobias.

8. My personal definition of success. Never go to stage.

My Vacation – Humor Speech

I recently went to India on vacation. So, I decided to give a humor speech about it in the toastmasters meeting. As usual, I wrote the speech on the day I was supposed to deliver the speech. So I didn’t have time to rehearse. Here is the speech I wrote down.

Hello Toastmaster of the evening, fellow toastmasters, and the guests, a very good vacation to all of you. Er, a very good evening to all of you.

I went to India on vacation for a month. Vacations are always great. I love vacations. Because it’s the only time I get a chance to see… beautiful air hostesses. But seriously, I enjoyed my last vacation to India. If I go to India on vacation, everyone would start asking me for gifts. So I carried with me a lot of gifts.

When I went home this time on vacation, I started giving out gifts to my mom, dad, sister, brother, cousin, grand father, grand mother, aunt, uncle, uncle’s son, uncle’s son’s dog, uncle’s son’s dog’s doctor. And then the vacation ended.

If I don’t give gift to someone, he/she will keep on telling for the next 76 years that I forgot to give him/her a gift when I returned from the Netherlands in Dec 2012, on 28th, at 8 p.m., while I was wearing blue t-shirt and black trouser while I landed. I can even fly without a passport and visa. But, without gifts for everyone, I can’t.

Does anyone here have fear of flying? Fortunately, I too don’t have fear of flying. But I do have fear of flying without gifts. Everyone in my country expects a gift from me while I return from a foreign country. They don’t understand that the airlines only allow 26 kilograms.

My uncle’s son’s teacher’s milkman’s third wife asked me, “What!!! you have 26 kilograms weight limit? And you still didn’t buy me just one kilogram… of gold!!!”

My friends would ask, “Where is the air-hostess that we asked for?”
I would say, “Sorry, the air-hostess weighed more than 26 kilograms. So I couldn’t carry her with me.”

OK, leave the gift thingy apart. Let me tell you few interesting things happened during my vacation. I spent one complete week without internet. Can you believe it? No internet for 1 week. I mean, no internet for 4 days. Wait, 1 week is 4 days, right? Oh wait, Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, Thursday. Totally 6 days. And 6 complete days is how many hours.. 1 times 6 is 6. 2 times 6 is 12. 3 times 6 is… oh man, seems it’s gonna take a long time. Let me drop this.

But the point I’m trying to make is I spent a lot of time with family… doctor. Yeah, I admitted myself to the hospital to escape from the people who were chasing for gifts. I faked pregnancy to get into the hospital.

“Doctor, I am afraid I’m pregnant. I didn’t use protection last time. Please check”
“No man, you can’t be pregnant. You’re a guy.”

I spent the whole day arguing. Then the next day

“You can’t get pregnant. You’re a guy. Get out of this hospital.”
“No, doctor. I am afraid I’m pregnant. I feel that somebody is kicking from inside in my stomach.”

Then we spent the second day arguing too.

And after couple of days.

“How many times I should tell you. You can’t get pregnant. You can’t get pregnant. YOU CAN’T GET PREGNANT!!!”
“Doctor, you told it 3 times and you can tell any number of times you want.”

Then on the 7th day

“No, man. You can’t get… oh wait, where is my gift from the Netherlands.”
“Oh, doctor. I’m not pregnant. It’s just stomach pain. I have to go home.”

And by the way, 24 times 6 is 144.

I came back to the Netherlands a couple of days ago (after a month vacation) I was happy because no more gift problem, no more mosquito problem, and more importantly I’m not pregnant.

I would like to conclude my speech with this. Long vacations are gift for everyone. But I have to buy gift for everyone.

Procrastinating Family – Humor Speech

I gave my fourth prepared speech in Toastmasters tonight. Initially, when I thought of preparing a speech (couple of weeks ago) for this project, I decided to speak on Dutch culture. But somehow, as usual, I just procrastinated. I didn’t write down something until yesterday for my speech tonight. Writing down a speech on Dutch culture within a day is the second difficult task for me. Well, the first difficult one is getting a date with a Dutch girl, or any girl.

This morning, I was looking for a topic on which I could speak tonight. It made sense to give a speech on what I’m good at – procrastination. Yeah, tonight, in the Toastmasters meeting, I gave a speech on this topic. And the title of my speech was “Procrastinating Family”. Here is the speech I wrote down.

Tonight, I am going to tell you something about my family. My family is a procrastinating family. Each and everyone of us is good at procrastinating. I’ll tell about each and everyone in my family.

I’m passionate and crazy about writing. But I never write. My friend asked me why I never write when my passion is writing. I told him that I had just planted the tree. When the tree grows and it’s cut down to make paper, I’ll start writing on it. In other words, I come up with very innovative excuses.

My brother must be the master of procrastination. I think he must have born as my elder brother, but he just procrastinated and born as my younger brother.

And my mom – she procrastinates too. She waited for 10 months to give birth to me and my brother.

My father – If he has to pay one dollar for every time he procrastinates, then at the end of year, he will end up paying nothing. I mean, he will procrastinate paying 1 million dollar too.

My grandfather died last year. We found that he was dead only after a couple of weeks after his death. For couple of weeks, we thought he was just procrastinating and lazy to wake up. Also, we procrastinated to check his breath.

It’s not only me, my bro, mom, dad, and papap that procrastinate. Even the alarm clock procrastinates in my home. It’ll go off only a couple of hours later than when it’s actually set up.

OK, enough about my family. Now, I’ll tell about things we follow and do at home. You all must be familiar with the proverb, “All is well that ends well”. In my family, we say, “All is well that at least starts”

We have interesting conversations at my home. To give an example, here is a usual thing that happens at our home.

My dad would shout, “When are you guys going to pay the electricity bill?”.
For which, someone would answer, “Tomorrow”
“When are you guys going to wash the car?”
“When are you going to give me an answer that is not the word ‘tomorrow’?”

My uncle is one guy who tries to teach our family some time management and priority assignment. He would say, “If you have many important tasks to complete, start doing the most important one first.”

One day, I had many tasks to do – do the dishes, wash the car, pay the electricity bill, complete the pending office work, set the alarm clock. When I thought about all these things, I became nervous and couldn’t breathe. I was confused and not sure which was the most important. I finally came to a conclusion that breathing was more important than anything, and I was just breathing for the next 3 days.

One day, everyone in my family except my grand dad left home. I was there, just breathing, at home. Suddenly, my grand dad started crying in chest pain. I didn’t know what to do. So I called my dad, “Hello papa, grand dad is crying in chest pain. I don’t know what to do. Should I admit him to the hospital or go to the library to return the book? Tell me which is the most important task.” My father screamed, “Whaaaat!! are you mad? Go to the hospital and admit your grand dad. Matter of life and death is the most important thing of all.” I said, “I know that, papa. But, this morning, when you left home, you said that if I didn’t return the library book today, you would kill me. So, I am not sure whether my life is more important or grand dad’s.”

We all love procrastinating. People say that you can’t achieve success if you procrastinate. Well, people, mark my words. We, the procrastinators, will also achieve success, maybe with some or more delay.

Our whole family discussed and decided to write a book on procrastination. The title of the book is going to be, “How to overcome procrastination in 30 decades”. One interesting thing about the book is that the first 300 pages of the book will be left blank. And the 301st page will read, “Rest of the content will be published in the next edition of this book.”

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