Category Archives: humour

Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – January 10, 2018

This is my first monologue of this year. It’s been almost 4 months since I delivered a monologue, because of my long vacation in India, then the holiday season in December, and finally at the first Toastmasters meeting of this year, delivered one.
We’ll tell you what was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was presented.

THE SET-UP. We will give you enough background to help you understand the jokes.
1. There were 8 guests at the meeting, the highest ever.

2. One of the guests was from Bali, Indonesia. She said that during Indonesian New Year (in March), there would be no power supply, hence no mobile phones, no TV, no internet. Also they would fast the whole day.

3. One of the speakers talked about the progression from 1G to 5G in mobile phones. He was initially nervous, but later on gained confidence. His speech evaluator said that he could’ve made a strong opening like “Do you know there are many phones than the number of people using it?”

4. Maha was the stop-word counter.

5. The emcee of the meeting had to stand during the whole meeting because we had less number of chairs.

6. One of the table-topics was given to a guest named Gabriela. The topic was “Do you believe in God?”

7. One of the table-topics was “If you can go sky high, what would you like to do?”

8. The emcee of the meeting said that nobody is perfect, everybody is here to learn.

9. The emcee said that in Romania, on the New Year’s Day, they wear yellow underwear for good luck, red for love, and white for peace.

10. One of the speakers told that you’re never tool old to do something.

11. One of the speakers used a catchy word “resounding”, which grabbed everyone’s attention

12. Word of the day was “Ambassador”.

The Humor Monologue
1. I want to make a “RESOUNDING” opening. How about this? Do you know that today we have more guests with mobile phones than members with mobile phones?
(Usage of the word “resounding” to grab everyone’s attention. Implied punchline that the number of guests were more than the members)

2. In the past, we would have just one guest, then 2 guests, then 3, today 8 guests. Nice progression from 1G to 8G.
(Adapted the speech theme of progressing from 1G to 5G to use it for the G word Guest)

3. I have a friend whose first name is “Bas” and last name is “Hodor”. He would always introduce himself as “I’m Bas Hodor” “I’m Bas Hodor”.
(Word play on the word-of-the-day Ambassador. Hodor is actually a name of character from The Game of Thrones. I just happened to remember that and made word play out of it)

4. Look at the irony. The ah-ha counter has ah-ha in her name. Maha.
(Irony is mostly funny. Good observation.)

5. Another irony. The chair of the meeting doesn’t have a chair.
(Wordplay. And another good observation.)

6. When the table-topics master called Gabrielle to speak on the topic “Do you believe in God?”, she was like “OH MY GOD!”
(Very good response. Linking one’s fear of public speaking with the table-topic itself.)

7. My New Year resolution is to “stop drinking” unless you’re getting the beer for free.
(Self deprecation. Cheap)

8. If I can go sky high, I would like to stay there… far far away from my wife.
(My usual wife roast)

9. Dinil started his speech at 1G speed and finished his speech in a bang at 5G speed.
(Used his speech topic as his speech evaluation)

10. Sashi, you said that nobody is perfect. I would like to kindly remind you “I AM PERFECT”.
(Opposite of self deprecation. It’s kind of mild arrogance. Adding the word “kindly” in front of the punchline to make it sound like it’s not arrogant, but joke. It also hides the punchline coming.)

11. In Bali, no TV, no internet, no mobile phones on New Years Day. It doesn’t sound like a New Year. It sounds like going back to Old Year 1860.
(Observation that not using any device doesn’t sound like New Year, rather very old age)

12. In Bali, they fast on the New Year’s Day. Even I fast on Jan 1. And on Jan 2, I start eating, and say to myself, “Forget it. I’m not losing weight this year too.”
(Implied punchline that my New Year resolution is to lose weight. Self deprecation that I can’t follow my resolution even for one day.)

[Following 5 jokes are series of jokes on the same theme, which got huge response]
13. I don’t believe in good luck. I don’t believe in love. I don’t believe in peace. I mean I never wear an underwear.
(Paints a funny picture. Self deprecation)

14. What? You don’t believe me? [gestures like going to lower the trouser]
(Again paints a funny picture)

15. My New Year resolution is to start wearing one.
(Following up on the theme and linking it with New Year Resolution)

16. I hope I’m not too old for it.
(Callback to one of the motivational quote said during the meeting. Using that quote for wearing an underwear is funny.)

17. Before leaving, I would like to kindly kindly remind you “I AM PERFECT”
(Callback to my earlier line in the same monologue. Also irony that I’m not even wearing an underwear but saying I’m perfect.)

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Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – May 17, 2017

Here is another Observational Humor monologue presented at the end of a meeting. We’ll tell you what was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was presented.

THE SET-UP. We will give you enough background to help you understand the jokes.
1. The table topics were about wedding.

2. One of the table topics speakers said that she got 7 beautiful elephants as gift from her husband on her wedding day. Wooden ones.

3. One of the table topics speakers said that in their culture, they freeze a cake for 2 years since wedding and cut later on. The outer part will be very hard, and inside, very soft. They would need an electric knife to cut it.

4. Rens, the emcee, said an inspirational quote, “Whenever you think you’ve reached your limit, you have only put 40% effort. Go an extra mile.”

5. Ana said that her wedding dress was so long.

6. Herman, one of the speakers, talked about Frankenstein, bicycles etc. He mentioned years like 1869, 1875 etc.

7. Shane was referred as the oldest person who is married for a long time (by the Tabletopics master).

8. We had a guest named May.

9. This week was too hot. 27 degrees. Until last week, it was too cold.

10. Most speakers forgot to shake hands with the emcee or the table topics master.

11. I was the last speaker (Obs Humorous Master) and I concluded the meeting.

12. Ana, a speaker, used too many filler words, like “so”, “well”.

The Humor Monologue
1. Good evening Married Toastmasters and Happy Toastmasters.
(Good opener. Universal joke about married people)

2. I proposed to a girl 3 years ago. I was happy when she said, “I do”. Then only I realized that she said “Adieu”.
(Wordplay. Self deprecation. I didn’t say the punchline. I wrote it on the whiteboard to have more effect.)

3. I was caught drunk driving last week. I blame Rens for that. Because he said, “Whenever you think you’ve reached your limit, you’ve only put 40% effort.”
(One of the best lines of the monologue. Fitting an inspirational line in a different context to create absurdity.)

4. The next day, I got a ticket for speeding.
(Continuing on the same theme – going above the limit.)

5. The man who stitched Ana’s wedding gown literally went an extra mile.
(Same theme. Asked myself the question why. Why was her dress long? Punchline: Because the tailor went an extra mile.)

6. Herman mentioned some years during his speech – 1869, 1875… during which Shane was a kid.
(Exaggeration. When the table topics master referred to Shane as the oldest, it got huge laughter. So this line turned out to be one of the best lines of the monologue.)

7. My wife is like that cake in the freezer. She’s a hard person on the outside. But on the inside, she is very soft. Tomorrow, I’m buying an electric knife.
(Mislead the audience. First start by praising and then turn it into a ridicule. Implied punchline that I’m going to cut my wife into pieces. Best line of the monologue.)

8. On my wedding day, I gifted my wife seven… beautiful… cockroaches. Real ones. Not in wood.
(Rule of three. Seven… beautiful… cockroaches. The audience would least expect the third one. Because women are afraid of cockroaches. The topper is the exact opposite of what the speaker said.)

9. I love May. Er, I mean the month. I love May. Because May is hot.
(Another best line of the Monologue. Both the joke and the topper are wordplay. Shock and release technique too. When I said, “I love May (the guest)”, the audience were shocked. I released it by saying “I mean the month”. I followed on that and used another wordplay “May is hot”. It perfectly fit because today was the hottest day of the year.)

10. Ana, you are using the filler words so well.
(Wordplay. This line has two meanings. She indeed used the filler words “so”, “well”. And she used them so well.)

11. I’m happy that I’m the one who’s closing the meeting. Because I don’t have to shake hands.
(Perfect closer. Because “not shaking hands” became a running gag.)

Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters Division Conference – April 11, 2015

Read the set-up below and then read the humor monologue.

THE SET-UP (What was said and what happened during the conference before the monologue was delivered)

1. The keynote speaker Winston Scholsberg gave an energetic speech about WES method, his own method for better speaking. He said he gave 6000 performances before he devised his method. [He is a great, extra-ordinary speaker, coach. Visit his website http://winstonscholsberg.nl/en/]

2. Winston asked us to put a smile on our face when we begin our speech because smile is for free.

3. To connect with the audience, Winston said this crazy phrase and asked the audience to repeat “Aey ding ding [audience repeat] shikiri ding ding [audience repeat] aey ding ding [audience repeat]”.. goes on like that. He also clapped and asked the audience to repeat “Clap [audience repeat] Clap clap [audience repeat] clap clap clap [audience repeat]” goes on like that.

4. Winston asked us to tell stories to children to become master story teller because if you can keep a child interested in your story, then you can keep anyone interested.

5. Winston was talking about doing taxes and asked us to not miss two zeroes by mistake while filing taxes.

6. One speaker said if you have stain on your shirt, make the whole shirt stainy so people can’t find the stain at all.

7. One speaker said he read so many self-help books on “How to become rich” and most of them suggest to repeat affirmations but it didn’t work for him even after trying for one year. At the end of one year, he won a lottery… for 5 euros.

8. One speaker told she wishes to be somebody else. She wishes to be cat.. or tree.. or whale. That same speaker told that she wants to have six-pack.

9. Winston asked us to keep telling our names. Because many of our names are unpronounceable and we may feel embarrassed. When we repeat telling our names, we feel good about ourselves. He asked us to be the champion of saying our own names. If it still doesn’t work, he asked us to change our name (jokingly said).

10. Dermot gave another guest speech. He made self-deprecating joke. “Winston’s speech was energetic. My speech is just average.” Dermot during his speech referred to the Netherlands as a country without hills or mountain (which is true).

11. Saby told that he works in a bank and it’s not so exciting job.

12. One speaker gave a big speech about time. Take your time. Use your time. Enjoy your time etc. She said the word ‘time’ a lot of times.

13. Andy was the contest master for evaluation contest. While announcing the speech rules regd. time, he messed it up. He said speakers have to speak between 2 and 3 minutes. Then he said, no it’s between 1.5 and 3 minutes. Then the audience corrected him that it’s between 1.5 and 3.5 minutes.

14. One speaker asked us to jump out of the box.

15. One speaker told once he was playing basket ball and his father was shouting from the audience “Take the shot from sizzy.”

The Humor Monologue

1. Good evening toastmasters, guests… cats, trees, whales.

2. Winston’s speech was energetic. Dermot’s speech was average. My speech is going to be below average.

3. My jokes are like the Netherlands. They fall ‘flat’.

4. Use your time wisely. Take a break now. And come back when my speech is over.

5. I wish to be somebody else too. Whenever I’m on stage, I desperately wish to be an audience.

6. Yey ding ding [audience repeat] Shikiri ding ding [audience repeat] Yey ding ding [audience repeat] shikiri ding ding [audience repeat] Yey ding ding [audience repeat] BALA is funny [audience didn’t repeat] COME ON. SAY THAT [huge laughter].

7. How I got rich? I steal. Okay. Let me not talk about that.

8. How I got funny? I pay the audience. The audience get paid by the number of laughs.

9. I have read dozens of books on “How to make the audience laugh”. All of them highlight this one specific technique – “Tell a joke”.

10. Winston advised to put a smile on your face at the beginning of your speech. But I never smile. It’s extremely hard for me to smile. The only way by which I can put a smile on my face is like this [I place a paper around my face in which a smiley is drawn] Hello ladies & gentlemen [I speak in mickey voice]

11. The bad news is this smile is not free. I paid 3 euros for the pen ad 10 cents for the paper. The good news is I won a lottery for 3 euros and 10 cents.

12. Jump out of the box… unless you are a boxer. In which case, stay inside the box.. and wait for your father to shout “Punch hard on the face of sizzy.”

13. Andy got the ‘time’ wrong. 1.5 or 2 or 3 minutes. After which, Ashley gave a whole big lecture on ‘time’.

14. Ashley said the word ‘time’ like a million times that she is now the World Champion of saying ‘time’.

15. How to be a great story-teller? Tell stories to children. Don’t have children? No worries. Just board a flight, and you will find a child at your back seat.

16. If you have stain on your shirt, make the whole shirt stainy? Okay. If you have a big big belly, don’t worry. All you have to do is grow other parts of the body to match with your belly.

17. I see many of you have stains on your shirt. And to cover that up, you are wearing suit.

18. Winston said to me, “While doing taxes, don’t miss two zeroes.” I was like, “What? What is tax?” He said, “Man, you’re in a BIG trouble.” I asked, “What should I do now?” He said, “To escape from the govt. change your name.”

19. I am funny. I devised “Bala’s method of being funny”. It’s called B.E.S. Do you know how many performances I did to make B.E.S? 6000 performances… while sleeping. This is the first time I’m performing when I’m awake, and many people are sleeping.

20. Saby said he works in a bank and it’s not so exciting. Well Saby, this Monday is gonna be exciting. I will meet you in the bank with a face mask.

21 *clap clap* [audience repeat] *clap clap* [audience repeat] *clap clap clap clap clap etc* [audience repeat] Thank you very much for clapping for my speech.

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