This is a comedy Sketch written and directed by me. We performed this in our office function SPARKLES 2012 (Diwali/Christmas/New Year celebrations with the employees and our clients) Here is the script of that skit.
Narrator: Hello audience, we are performing a sketch called “I need a job”. As I say the word sketch, I see a lot of faces here going very dull.
I say to all of you that it’s not yet another boring sketch. I mean, it’s the same boring sketch my father, grandfather, and great-grandfather enacted.
Are you ready to get bored? If your answer is yes/no, then here comes the first scene. A guy who is desperate to join a multi-national company, called Kekhran Mekhran company, which has branches all over one small room.
Scene 1: Guy attending interview (Boss is the interviewer)
Boss: Can I have your resume?
*Interviewee hands over his resume.. Boss reads it.*
Boss: *My objective is to work in a multi-national company which… has a nice coffee machine* Whaat? A nice coffee machine??
Interviewee: Yes, sir. My mom used to tell me, “Always start a day with a joke.” Hope you like that joke.
Boss: You may go out. You are fired.
Interviewee: Sir, but I don’t even work in this company.
Boss: Yeah, I know. My mom used to tell me, “Always start a day by firing someone.”
Interviewee: Sir, at least today, you can start your day by hiring someone.
Boss: Hire… Fire.. Hire… Fire… Wow, good rhyming. Let’s play a small game. I will keep on telling hire, fire.. fire hire.. hire fire.. fire hire and set the alarm. Let’s see which word I say when the alarm goes off. If I say hire when the alarm goes off, then you will be hired. Else, you’ll be fired. Is the deal ok?
Interviewee: Ok, sir. let’s start the game.
Boss: Hire, fire.. fire hire.. hire fire.. fire hire.. fire fire fire fire fire fire fire fire…
Interviewee: Sir, that’s cheating…
Boss: No, man. The window drape has caught fire.
*Interviewee is terrified.
Interviewee: Call the police. er, the fire engine.
*Interviewee hands over his phone to the boss. Boss dials a number and starts talking..
Boss: Hello is it hire engine… er, fire engine. I am the boss of the Kekhran Mekhran company. My office is fired.
Fire Engine guy: Don’t panic. First, let me ask you few questions. Answer one by one.
Boss: I’m the boss. I can only ask questions. I can’t answer questions.
Fire Engine guy: Sir, I am afraid I can’t help if you don’t answer the questions.
Boss: OK, go on. Fire the question.
Fire Engine guy: Do you have insurance?
Fire Engine guy: OK. Is everyone breathing in the office?
Boss: Yes, I guess so. Wait, let me check the interviewee.
*Boss blocks the nostrils of interviewee to check the breath… And the interviewee shouts..*
Boss: OK, he’s breathing too.
Fire Engine guy: Well, in that case, it’s not an emergency. The fire engine will reach your office… in 3 days.
Boss: oh wait wait, let me check the breath of the interviewee once again.
*Boss blocks the nostrils of interviewee once again.. And the interviewee shouts “Save me… save me…”
Boss: (To the fire engine guy) Is that an emergency?
Fire Engine guy: Yes, according to rule no. 616, when someone shouts “save me.. save me”, it’s an emergency. We’ll reach your office as soon as we can.
*Boss starts talking to the interviewee*
Boss: Now that we have some time before the fire engine reaches our office, let’s continue the interview.
Interviewee: Sir, the office is on fire. I think we should leave.
Boss: That’s too bad. It’s your first day in the office and you want to leave so early??
Interviewee: Ok, ask me questions.
Boss: OK, it’s a simple maths question. This morning, our office bus started from Amsterdam with 25 employees in it. In the first stop, 3 people got in. In the next stop, 2 people got in. In the next 4 stops, nobody got in. In the next stop, 3 people got in. In the next stop, 2 people got out. In the next stop…
Interviewee: *gets irritated* Sir, can we better stick to the “hire fire… fire hire” game?
Boss: oh wait, in the next stop, 1 person gets in. In the next 3 stops, nobody gets in or out. In the last stop, 3 people get in.. OK, now the question… How many stops did the bus make?
Interviewee: Sir, I don’t know. But I know one thing, “Your office needs a non-stop, point-to-point bus.” And I also hope that the fire engine doesn’t make any stop.
Boss: Now, the next question. Assuming that the bus reached the office safely, how many are currently in the office now?
Interviewee: No one.
Interviewee: Because all of them must have evacuated the building and assembled at a safe distance away from the building.
Boss: Wow!! I am impressed. You are hired. I request you to work for my company the rest of your life.
Interviewee: Rest of my Life ! Well, looking at the way fire spreads, rest of my life will be another 20 minutes.
Boss: Now that you are hired, it reminds me of one thing… we have a nice coffee machine. Come, let’s go have coffee.
Narrator: Wow!! That was a wonderful boring scene performed by two wonderful boring guys. Now, let’s move on to scene 2, where the boss and the new employee meet two other colleagues. Here is colleague no.1. His name is Amsterdam. Here is colleague no. 2. Her name is Rotterdam. I know what you are thinking right now… “Oh damn”??
Scene 2: Coffee machine – Conversation between boss, interviewee, and 2 more colleagues.
*Boss and the interviwee go to coffee machine area, where they meet two colleagues
Amsterdam: Hello boss, have we already started celebrating Diwali? I see our office is lit up with fire.
Interviewee: Yoooo, that’s fire da. It calls for an emergency.
Amsterdam: Emergency? This fire? Don’t worry. This fire will be automatically put off when the rainy season starts.
Interviewee: Whaaat?? Rainy season? What if the fire ruins the office building?
Amsterdam: Don’t worry. Nothing can ruin our office… more than our employees do.
Interviewee: Oh man, where is the fire escape in this office?
Amsterdam: Why? do you want to take a tour of our office? Let’s see all the places later, na.
Boss: By the way, Amsterdam, Rotterdam, meet mr. Damdam, our new employee.
Amsterdam: Hello damdam.
Interviewee: Hello Amsterdam.
Rotterdam: Hello damdam.
Interviewee: Hello Rotterdam.
Rotterdam: By the way, did you watch yesterday cricket match between India and England? Sehwag is blasting, Ojha is picking up wicket after wicket. India is on fire.
Interviewee: Correction. India and this office are on fire.
Interviewee: Shouldn’t we activate the fire alarm and alert our employees?
Rotterdam: No, you may not want to wake them up from sleep.
Interviewee: They sleep in the office?
Rotterdam: Yeah, but not always. They only sleep when they have some work to do.
Narrator: While these people are having this conversation, a new person walks into the office. Let’s go and see who that is.
Scene 3: A new person walks into the office
Boss: *with much anger* How dare you come late to the office. It’s 11:16 a.m.
New person: Excuse me, I’m the fire man.
Boss: I don’t care whether you are fireman or superman or spiderman. I need discipline in the office.
Fire man: Hello, I’m the fire man who has come here to put off the fire in your office building.
Boss: Oh ok!! you want a cup of coffee?
Fire man: A cup of coffee? Sorry, I don’t think I can put off the fire with a cup of coffee.
Boss: No, I mean, do u want a cup of coffee to drink.
Narrator: While all these wonderful boring guys are having conversation near the coffee machine, fireman is trying to put off the fire. He successfully puts off the fire in few minutes and coming back to the coffee machine area. Let’s see what happens there
Interviewee: Thank you very much, fireman. I was sooo worried. Luckily, you saved my life.
Amsterdam: Now that we are talking about saving lives, it reminds me of one thing: I have to go save the excel spreadsheet in my desktop. See you during the next fire breakout. *leaves the place*
Rotterdam: See you during the next fire breakout. *leaves the place*
Boss: See you during the next fire breakout. *leaves the place*
*Interviewee is in the coffee place alone.
Interviewee: *shocked* Whaaat? Another fire breakout?
Narrator: Mr. Damdam is really scared of this company. So he decides to quit the job on the first day itself. He still desperately needs a job in a multi-national company. The next day, he attends one more interview. He’s waiting in the reception for the boss to come Let’s see what happens there.
*Interviewee notes that the boss of this company is same as that of Kekhran Mekhran company. He shouts ‘Nooooooooo’ and runs away from that office.
Narrator: That brings an end to our sketch. For the rest of Damdam’s life, his resume’s objective read like this. “I want to work in a multi-national company which has a nice… fire escape” Thank you. Thank you very much.