Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – August 23, 2017

Here is another Observational Humor monologue presented at the end of a meeting. We’ll tell you what was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was presented.

THE SET-UP. We will give you enough background to help you understand the jokes.
1. Many TMs were absent today. Their roles – ah counter, timer, grammarian, evaluators – were filled in by substitute TMs.

2. The ah counter said I repeated the word ‘I’ 3 times at one place, like I.. I.. I.

3. One of the table-topics was “What was your dream when you were a kid?” Franz talked. He said that when he was a kid, he was innocent like everyone here. He said that people’s dream change as life progresses.

4. Andrei gave a speech about having a life coach. He has one. He said that he would do Skype sessions with his coach. Every time he does one, his life coach would ask him to acknowledge all his victories since they last spoke. Andrei said at first it was difficult since he rarely had any victories, but later on it became easy.

5. Andrei shared Skype screenshots where he looked very happy.

6. Andrei quoted Michelangelo, “I am still learning.”

7. I told everyone that to become Dutch, I steal bicycles.

The Humor Monologue
1. Good evening dear I, I, and I.
(Twist to the cliche opening TME, TMs, and guests)

2. Most roles were substituted today. Piyush, a guest, substitutes another guest who couldn’t make it.
(Exaggeration. Absurdity that a guest substituting another guest. I could’ve added a bit of self deprecation by saying “I’m here as a substitute for a guest”.)

3. When I was a kid, I was innocent like everyone here, drinking alcohol, smoking joints.
(Paints a funny picture. Kid smoking weed)

4. Like Franz said, dreams change as life progresses. When I was a kid, I dreamed about small girls. When I was a teenager, I dreamed about teenage girls. Now I dream about women. Thank goodness, I’m still not dreaming about small girls.
(Pick something someone says seriously and adapt it to a regular pattern that occurs normally. Here what I did as a kid, teenager, and a man is common. If I did otherwise, it would be absurd. The topper is absurdity.)

5. I am a life coach. I spend all my life on couch.
(Self deprecation. Wordplay)

6. I want my wife to be my life coach. By that I mean “only Skype calls”.
(Praise first and then deviate. I first praised that I would want my wife to be my life coach. And then find some quality of being a life coach that would not suit my relationship with my wife. I found the “long distance calls” for punchline. First I praised, then I deviated saying that I would like only Skype calls with her.)

7. At next meeting, I will share our Skype screenshots. Sad faces.
(Self deprecation)

8. During the Skype call, I had to acknowledge my victories since the last time we spoke. At first, it was hard. Later on, it became easy… to say “No victories”.
(Break the audience expectation. When I said, “it became easy”, the audience assume that slowly I started achieving something so that I had at least something to share with my coach. I broke their expectation by saying “became easy… to say ‘No victories'”)

9. People who are by car, have a safe drive. People who are by bike, have a safe walk.
(Implied punchline that I’ll steal their bikes. Implied punchlines are great to add. When the audience figure themselves out the punchline, it will add a great effect)

10. I’m still learning.
(Closing by recalling Michelangelo quote.)

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Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – July 26, 2017

Here is another Observational Humor monologue presented at the end of a meeting. We’ll tell you what was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was presented.

THE SET-UP. We will give you enough background to help you understand the jokes.
1. Bogdan gave a speech about “How to end a speech”. He said there are some speeches famous for their first sentence, like Martin Luther King’s speech that starts with “I have a dream” and some speeches that are famous for the last sentence. From the same speech “Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty. We’re free at last!”

2. Bogdan also quoted few lines from Obama’s farewell speech “I am asking you to believe. I am asking you to hold fast to that faith. I am asking you to…”

3. The guests said that they liked the meeting because the speeches were evaluated, the table topics were evaluated, and even the evaluators were evaluated.

4. Erin gave a speech about fear. She said she had fear up high (fear of height). “Fear up high” sounded like “Fear of pie”. Only from the context of the speech, we understood she meant fear up high.

5. Shaoxiong did the project “How to say it”. He talked about Chinese people. He said they work for 10 to 12 hrs a day and even in the weekends. He said there are 800,000 single women in China. He is single too. He said he would like to get married to one of them.

6. Bogdan gave 5 ways to end a speech. He abbreviated those 5 ways to P.O.W.E.R.

The Humor Monologue
1. I have a joke.
(Good opening, mimicking Martin Luther King’s I have a dream speech. Some people immediately recognized it. Some didn’t)

2. I’m asking you to laugh. I’m asking you to clap. I’m asking you to give me a standing ovation. PLEASE…
(Continuing on the same theme. Mimicking Obama’s speech, and being silly – asking the audience to laugh at my jokes. This line didn’t get much response.)

3. Yes, you can.
(Another Obama line)

4. “Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty! Free at last!” No no, I’m not quoting Martin Luther King. These are the words we Indians say when we get something for free.
(Wordplay on the word ‘free’. Self deprecation (on our country). Paraprodoskian. Very good response.)

5. We’ve evaluated everyone. Now I’m going to evaluate the guests.
(Absurdity. Exaggeration. At TM meetings, we only evaluate the TMs’speeches. But exaggerated a bit and said I was going to evaluate the guests since they were the only ones unevaluated.)

6. I have fear of… wife.
(My usual wife-roast jokes)

7. I have fear of being up high too. But I’d rather be up high than being down low with my wife.
(Continuing on the wife joke. Exaggeration.)

8. Erin said she has fear up high. It sounded like “Fear of pi”. I thought maybe she had a hard time remembering PI = 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841971.
(Wordplay. Observation – since everyone thought she meant pi. Exaggeration – kept adding more digits after the decimal. Best line of the monologue.)

9. Chinese people work for 10 to 12 hrs a day and even in the weekends. Just imagine how big the Chinese population will be if they start spending more time at home.
(Linking China is the most populous country to their work schedule. Another best line.)

10. Shaoxiong, your project was “How to say it?”. The answer is “I love you. And I want to marry you.”
(Linking his project title with his speech content)

11. In some speeches, the first sentence is remembered. In some speeches, the last sentence is remembered. That’s why, to be on the safer side, I always keep all my speeches to JUST ONE SENTENCE.
(Absurdity. Being silly – keeping just one sentence in the speech so that my speech will be remembered always.)

12. Let the P.O.W.E.R be with you.
(Closed my speech with P.O.W.E.R since those were the 5 techniques that Bogdan shared to close a speech. Good closer)

Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – July 12, 2017

Here is another Observational Humor monologue presented at the end of a meeting. We’ll tell you what was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was presented.

THE SET-UP. We will give you enough background to help you understand the jokes.
1. The meeting was about educational on evaluations. We had a key-note speaker who was evaluated by 6 evaluators. And those evaluators were evaluated by educators.

2. Franz, a guest, said that he is from Germany.

3. Floris was one of the educators. He suggested not to use the word ‘BUT’ after giving a positive feedback since it will eliminate all the positive feedback before the word ‘but’. e.g. you gave a good speech, but you were not audible enough.

4. Victor, the keynote speaker said, he wanted to speak with his dead brother, used ouija board, and when something moved on the board, he peed his pants. He asked us who would we want to spend one day with? Who would we want to meet from the past?

5. Winslow, another educator, said that evaluation is a boring process and nobody would say “I want to be an evaluator”.

6. The name of the TMs were printed funnily on the agenda. Their login ids were printed instead of names. Mike, our club president, name was printed as ‘mighty’.

7. Victor, the keynote speaker’s voice was very loud.

8. Justina said that she admires the people who use the floor well.

9. Floris always gives a speech with PPT, but today he didn’t.

The Humor Monologue
1. Good evening dear enemies [looks around the room] and Franz [looks at the guest named Franz]
(Shock and release technique. When I say enemies and looked at everyone, they were shocked. Released using the wordplay on Franz/friends)

2. I’m going to evaluate the educators who evaluated the evaluators who evaluated the speaker.
(Exaggerating the theme of the meeting to the next level)

3. The transition of countries. From Germany to Netherlands is Franz.
(Wordplay on guest named Franz again. I kept Franz as the last word since it keeps the surprise until the last word.)

4. Floris, you gave a great speech. BUT you didn’t use your laptop.
(Do something that someone asks you not to do. And the observation – that he didn’t use laptop for the first time in years.)

5. Good that we have so many people today. Otherwise, I would take out my Ouija board and call my grandpas and grandmas.
(Silly way to increase the attendance)

6. With whom I would want to spend a day? Hmmm… Anyone… except my wife.
(My usual wife-roast joke)

7. If I have to meet someone from the past, that would be my uncle. He owes me 3 bucks.
(Silly. I kept the amount to a very low amount – 3 bucks since a huge amount would really make it look like I was serious about it. Calling someone using ouija board to get back JUST 3 bucks sounds funny. I used ‘bucks’ instead of ‘euros’ since it ‘bucks’ sounds more funny. I chose 3 because 3 is funny. Best line of the monologue)

8. All our ex-presidents were weak. Now we have a mighty one.
(Shock and release technique. When I said the ex presidents were weak, it created shock, released it by using the funny name printed on the agenda, which was noticed and mentioned throughout the meeting)

9. Lesson learnt: Before you use your Ouija board, use the toilet… or a diaper.
(Silly way to protect yourself from peeing the pants. Diaper got more laughter.)

10. Victor, you don’t need a Ouija board. The ghosts can hear you from the other side of the world… if you talk THIS LOUD.
(Exaggeration. 3 out of 6 evaluators said he had loud voice. Just exaggerated that point.)

11. Justina, you said that you admire the people who use the floor well. BUT you didn’t say FIRST FLOOR OR SECOND FLOOR.
(Listing technique. List all things related to floor. I came up with floor/level. Being silly and asking whether first floor or second floor. Use of ‘BUT’ again.)

12. Thank you to all the people who clapped for the people who clapped for the people who clapped for me.
(Adapting the evaluation of evaluation of evaluation theme to clapping. Good closer)

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