Tag Archives: cricket

How to propose to a girl

Stop reading this post right here right now… if you are a girl. Because you don’t want to propose to another girl.

Guys, keep reading. It’s mandatory for you to know how to say, without fear, to a girl those 3 golden words: “No more shopping”. Just kidding. This post is about how to say “I love you”.

Honey, it's a public place. I'll kneel down at our home.

Honey, it’s a public place. I’ll kneel down at our home.

Preparation:
Before you propose to a girl, you should prepare yourself for it. Following tips will help you a lot.

1. You need a diamond ring to propose. So, go to the best jewelry in your city, point to the costliest diamond ring in the showcase in that shop, and ask the owner if they can make a duplicate diamond ring like that for 100 rupees.

2. What guys normally do is, they put on their face the following: cleanser, moisturizer, fair & lovely, rose powder, and all the things that make them handsome before they propose to a girl. That’s absolutely bad idea. You should apply the worst-smelling, irritating, jelly thing on your face. Say for example, cow dung. The reason why I’m telling this is when you propose to a girl, and she doesn’t like it, at least she won’t slap on your face. See. How effective! Go meet a cow farm owner. Now.

3. She will always be hanging out with her friends. It is hard for you to propose when she is with her friends. You have to be prepared to propose in a place where she will be alone. Yes. Be prepared to propose in ladies toilet.

4. When you’re going to propose, you should not forget what you’re going to say. So, prepare yourself. Write everyday 100 times in a notebook what’re going to say. And that is “I love you”. Yes, 3 WORDS. It’s really hard to remember. In case you forget any one word, it’ll be a problem. Say for example, it’ll be a big big problem if you say, “I love your grandmother”.

Ok, now that you are fully prepared, you need a handful of techniques to propose. Here they are.

The ring technique:
Get a costly diamond ring (refer to point no. 1 n the preparations section) and propose to her. Suppose you love a girl named Srabanti and you want to propose to her, try like this.

You: Srab, let’s go for a long walk.
Srabanti: Will you buy me french fries and ice cream?
(Buy ice cream and whatever she wants).
*You are walking. And she is walking and eating*
You: Srab. I want to tell an important thing to you.
Srabanti: Great. Let’s eat that samosa and talk. Go buy that, na?
(Buy samosa and whatever she wants)
*You are sitting. She is sitting and eating*
You: Srab, listen carefully. It’s very important.
Srabanti: Arey yaar. These samosas are too small. Go buy few more. Also buy samosa chat. Also coke.
(Buy coke and whatever she wants)
*You are sitting. She is sitting and eating and drinking*
You: Srab, will you marry me? *bend one knee and give her the diamond ring*
Srabanti: Awwwww!!
*she tries to wear that ring you gave and it’s not fitting any of her fingers*
You: *mind voice* How will it fit?! After all the french fries, ice cream, samosa, chat, coke you ate, your fingers have doubled in size.
Srabanti: While I’m trying to wear this ring, go buy that popcorn, no?
(BUY WHATEVER SHE WANTS)

The healthy technique:
For a healthy relationship, try this technique.
Suppose you love a girl named Srabanti to whom you’re a stranger, try a conversation like this.

You: Hey Srab.
Srabanti: Yes. Do I know you?
You: For the last one year, I’ve been eating only broccoli, almonds, walnuts, oats, salmon, Tuna, Tofu, carrot.
Srabanti: Why are you telling me all this?
You: These foods are very good for healthy heart. And you’re my heart.
Srabanti: For the last 20 years, I’ve been eating only roti and dal.
You: Why are you telling me this?
Srabanti: It gives me the ultimate strength to slap anyone hard.
You: Hahahaha *evil laugh* Go on girl. Slap. *looking at the cow dung on your face* (See my idea worked out)

The right-place technique:
If you want the girl to say yes, you should propose in a place that she likes. You can take her to many places. Below are some examples:
1. To a shopping mall.
2. To any beautiful city that has a shopping mall (Note: Avoid cities in Kerala and Bengal. Because all shops are always closed due to strike).
3. To any house or apartment… that is soon to be destructed and constructed as shopping mall.

The easy technique:
This method is very simple. Suppose you love a girl named Srabanti who is aged 24 and from Kolkata and you’ve never talked with her, try like this.

You: Hi there.
Srabanti: Yes.
You: Are you Srabanti?
Srabanti: Yes.
You: Are you from Kolkata?
Srabanti: Yes.
You: Are you 24?
Srabanti: Yes (Let’s assume she is not like every other girl who reduces her age).
You: Do you love me?
Srabanti: Yes (She must say yes, because she answered yes to all your previous questions and she would continue with ‘yes’ for any question you ask).
You: Well, here, take this.
Srabanti: What is this?
You: Our wedding invitation. It’s on June 26. Come with the family, ok?

See how easy it is. It’s a proven technique. It worked for all 50 people who tried it. Yes. Now, Srabanti has 47 husbands. And 3 wives (Those 3 girls missed to read the first line of this post).

The extremely-easy technique:
If you want to impress a girl and get married to her, just use this one line. It’s very effective.

You: Hey Srab.
Srabanti: Yes. Do I know you?
You: I don’t watch IPL and FIFA WC.
Srabanti: I love you darling. Let’s get married right now.

See how extremely easy it is. Once you get married, watch all IPL matches and all FIFA WC matches. Don’t worry about Srab. If she asks why you watch all these crap when you said before marriage that you never watch any of these, just tell these 7 words: “Inspired by Modi’s achche din aanewale hain”. Case closed.

I can go on and tell you more techniques, but my mom is calling me.
Me: What mom?
Mom: Jeeeez! How come there is a cow in our backyard? And what is cow dung doing on your face?

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IPL 2013 jokes/one-liners

This is the compilation of one-liners I wrote during the first week and the last 2 weeks of IPL.

This week’s update:
One Rahul gave ‘a word’ and another Rahul got ‘award’. (Rahul Gandhi, Rahul Dravid)

Chetan Bhagat’s next novel will also link Punjab and Tamilnadu. And the name of the novel will be “The two Husseys”.

If Software Engineers start a new political party, their party symbol should be ‘hand’… holding down alt+tab key (Cricinfo and Java Eclipse).

Irony in Cricket. Captain wins the toss and elects to bowl because there is little grass on the wicket. And then the bowlers start bowling all full tosses.

#Tamil
Kohli won the toss and elected to bowl. He said that he wanted to make use of the grass on the wicket. Logically if he wanted to make use of the grass, he should’ve let a cow in. i.e. Maattu Gayle.

Seems that in this IPL, Angelo Mathews will give a tough competition to MS Dhoni… in saying more “you know”s during the presentation.

RCB is the only multi-ethnic cricket side in IPL. It has a Christian, Mohammad, Singh, and an Ayarwal.

Wow!! CSK have won. For his best performance, Dwayne Bravo will get man of the ‘Naach’ award. #dance

#Tamil
RP Singh’s father, to RP Singh: Vazhkaila jeikanumna ovvoru step’a eduthu vaikanum. And we know what happened. “Over Step”. #SelfThoo

If a batsman hits the ball out of the ground off the last ball to win the match, that would be called ‘lost-ball finish’.

No matter how poor the bowler bowls the super over, it will still be called ‘super’ over.

DD’s new coach is ViVi.

Sachin hits 6 sixes and a four. #40

Dhoni batted and scored runs, kept the wicket and took a catch, but didn’t take a wicket. So after winning the match, he took the wicket with him. (comment about Dhoni taking the stumps with him after winning the match)

This IPL is well balanced. Captains like Gambhir, Dhoni, Kohli are playing sensibly, whereas captains like Mathews, Ponting, Sangakkara are sitting out. We either do see “captain’s knock” or “captain’s knockout”.

If the ball flies up in the air towards a fielder and he drops the catch, the reaction of the co-fielders would be like, ‘caaaaaaa…tcha’.

Yusuf Pathan’s map today. Dugout -> Duckout -> Dugout.

#IPL – RR vs SRH
Interesting competition between the two on which will come first. “Strategic Timeout” or “All Out”. (When SRH were 6 down in 6 overs)

#Tamil
For SRH, he’s Darren ‘Saaamy’. (Saamy = god)

Narine, Pollard, Gayle, Sammy, Smith, Bravo. West Indians are performing superbly one after another. This IPL is definitely ‘Parade of the Caribbean’.

Gayle storm predicted. Bowlers are advised not to leave their home for the next 3 hours.

This IPL is turning out to be a great great, er… dance competition.

If RCB’s top four fail, then RCB will fail making to top four.

#Tamil
If Ponting+Tendulkar is ‘Pondulkar’, then Raina+Hussey is ‘Rassey’. That’s what CSK fans are doing. #Rasi #Enjoy

Breaking: Bisla’s runout’s replay lasted longer than a normal Murali Vijay’s inning.

Spinners (tan) the ball, fielders (cot) the ball, and the winning captains (sin) the ball

#Tamil
When Rajasthan Royals fans show the sign “Way to go Faulkner”, it looks like a suicidal advice to me. “Way to go fall kenaru.” #SelfThoo

Mumbai Indians score 30 runs in one over. Tees Maar Gonnnnne.

Yesterday was Mother’s Day. Today is Mother’s, Brother’s, and Indians’ Day. Yes, it’s “Mum Bhai Indians” Day.

#Tamil
Two guys who hit 50 today are Dhawan and Pollard. In other words, it was “Pollardhawan” show today.

#IPL
Punjab beat Bangalore and Chennai beat Delhi.
Smile on Punjab and Chennai’s face. Just like the climax of Chetan Bhagat’s “2 States”.

PWI captain Finch, after winning their first IPL match: “What!!! We have won? Am I dreaming? Finch me.”

During the KKR vs PWI match, the crowd was shouting “KKR… KKR… KKR”. Apparently Yusuf Pathan decoded that as “Kick Yaar”.

Sreesanth arrested for spot-fixing. Brought shame on the most respected RR. Now he’ll have to deal with some spot-spitting too, when people say “SreesanThooooo”.

Throughout this IPL, Yusuf Pathan struggled with timing the ball. And finally, yesterday, he made contact with the ball. (comment about Pathan kicking the ball)

The bookies wasted their money by paying Sreesanth. Better strategy would’ve been paying the captain and the coach. And ask them to select Sreesanth in the playing XI.

During presentation:
Couple of days ago
Dravid: “Stuart Binny is a really improved player now. Matured and it is time that the national selectors also take note of his performance.”
Yesterday
Gambhir: “Yusuf Pathan is a really improved player now. Matured and it is time that the national selectors also take note of his performance. Er, I mean the national football team selectors.”

When Yusuf Pathan kicked the ball with his leg, Parnell, the bowler, did the right thing. He appealed to the ‘LEG’ umpire.

Gilly gave, kept, and took… wicket. (when Gilly took his first wicket)

It’s raining in the Chinnaswamy Stadium. Probably because these guys are playing today. ‘Rain’a, Bad’rain’ath, ‘Rain’dra Jadeja.

If a batsman comes down the crease and plays a cracking shot, the commentators would say, “good use of feet”. From now on, they should say the same for cases like Yusuf Pathan.

RCB’s dependencies
Today -> Rainfall
Tomorrow -> Sunrise(ers) (when RCB were depending on rain and SRH match result)

Pune Warriors performed very poorly this IPL. Angry PWI fans have done the damage to Ali Murtaza’s head. (comment about Murtaza’s haircut)

The most entertaining part of Delhi Dare Devils’ batting is the… strategic timeout.

SRH vs KKR match will decide who (RCB, SRH) will “go forth” and who will “go fourth”.

A note to all the people who wake up early on Sundays: “Sunday Risers, ‘Hi there, bad’…”

In IPL 2013, Delhi Daredevils had been so consistent in batting… collapse.

If KKR had won against SRH yesterday
Gambhir: “We did it for Kohli.”
Bisla: “We did it for Kohli.”
.
.
Yusuf Pathan: “We did it for David Beckham”.
#BeckhamRetired

MR. Sharma playing in today’s CSK vs MI Qualifier IPL match. I mean M sharma and R sharma.

If Sandeep Sharma were part of CSK or MI, it would’ve been MRS. Sharma.

Today is “Everybody’s-status-update-is-IPL-is-nothing-but-8-teams-fighting-hard-to-play-against-CSK-in-the-final” Day. #SameBoringMessageEveryYear

Raina – 2 catches.
Raina: “Vijay macha, you take next catch”
Vijay – 2 catches.
Vijay: “Hussey macha, you take next catch”
Hussey – 2 catches.
Hussey: “Bravo macha, you take next catch”
Bravo – 2 catches.
In short, “catches win machas”.

There is only a fine line between “non-spot-fixer” and “non-stop-fixer”.

#IPLSpotFixing
Some “boys caught.”
And then some (audience) “boycott”.

From now on, when the bookies say ‘hello’ over phone, police will interpret that as ‘yellow’. #CSK

Breaking: Ravindra Jadeja is also involved in spot fixing. He has fixed something on the spot below his nose.

Today, during the post-match presentation, we saw Rohit Sharma ‘sign a new ball’ and ‘Saina Nehwal’.

Rohit Sharma collected 10 crores during the presentation as MI are the champions. Rohit, good captaincy. Now, “Keep 10 C”.

IPL is addictive like Anna Nagar

IPL is addictive. The kids of these days are learning alphabets like ABCD EFGH IPL. If you’re wondering where that JK had gone, she is currently writing few more Harry Potter books for the same kids.

Actually IPL is not addictive. IPL fantasy league is addictive. In case you don’t know what a fantasy league is, it’s a game in which you can pick any player you want in your fantasy team. If your players play well, your fantasy team will score good points. If they don’t play well, you will just probably break 3 or 4 LCD TVs.

You are addicted to fantasy league when you type ‘f’ in the address bar of your browser and it automatically fills with “fantasy.iplt20.com” instead of “facebook.com”. I mean who will play fantasy league when there are more important tasks like asking your friend for nails, woods, and bricks on farmville and solving a serious murder case on criminal case at the same time.

The last time I played fantasy league was 6 years ago. After such a long time, I had got interest in playing this game. So I created a fantasy team and named it “Baleka Ballelakka”, both words containing my name. I was very sure that my team would perform well because I devised a perfect strategy, picked up the right players, and prayed Lord Vinayaka that I would break 108 LCD TVs in Tiruppathi.

Take a look at my game strategy.
Strategy

There is a rule in fantasy cricket that I can choose one player from my team as power player and whatever points he scores will get doubled. So it’s really important to choose the best player as power player. In the first couple of days, my power players were performing like IRCTC website. That is I would waste 3 hours watching a screen and believing that some magic would happen. In short, I would appoint a power player, and he would disappoint me.

Take a look at my current team and standing.
Baleka_Ballelakka

From the first day of IPL itself, I have been nervous. Every time my player would come out to bat or bowl, I would sit on the edge of the seat. At the same time, I would also ask my friends on Facebook for nails on farmville because I was running out of it after such nail-biting finishes. In fact, I was running out of my friends’ nails too.

First Day of IPL:
Match: KKR vs DD
Watching the match at: My home
Power Player: Jacques Kallis
I was watching the match with full tension. And when Kallis came into bat, I started biting nails. My friends were warning me, “How many times we have to tell you? Don’t bite the nails da. If you do, your grand father’s photo will fall down from the wall.”

This fantasy cricket has been eating all my time. I have been spending most of my time devising strategies. In the morning, I would wake up to read the news to see if any of my players got injured (In case injured, I should substitute with some other player). Such injuries would worry me a lot. Even the players’ mothers wouldn’t be worried that much.

Another important thing that is time consuming is analyzing the T20 records of all players and their recent form. I had every data on my finger tip. And it was paining a lot since I didn’t have nail on my fingers.

My mind would always be thinking about IPL and my fantasy players. Some of my mind thoughts are
“Who should be the power player for tonight’s game? Gayle? Kohli? Narine? Unadkat? Gambhir?”
“Probably I should toss a coin and choose one of them.”
“Oh wait, a coin only has two sides.”
“May be I should throw a pentagon up.”
“But where will I go for a pentagon?”
“Or maybe I should knock on 5 consequent house doors and whoever first opens the door will be asked the question: Who should be my power player?”
“And tell them knock knock knock knock knock jokes.”

My creative mind had gone blank because of these IPL thoughts. The most creative thing that I could come up with in the last one week was suggesting my friend Murali to put more salt in the Chicken Curry that he made. He told me that I was wrong and continued to say that it was Murungaikka kara kuzhambhu, not chicken curry.

Idea: Maybe I should toss murungaikka kara kuzhambu to select my power player. That way I’d end up with the right power player and a friend with kuzhambu-smelling hair.

Couple of days ago, I was watching the match between MI and DD. My power player Sachin got out for just one run. It was such a big blow. I couldn’t digest that. So I took a heavy stick and broke the LCD TV into countless pieces. Everyone was shocked. But I, somehow, managed to run away from that shop where I was watching the game. All I could hear, while running, was some people shouting, “Nail him… Nail him.”

But I am happy that someone has now got a “real” criminal case to solve – “Who is that serial LCD TV breaker?”

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