Tag Archives: Donald Trump

Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – July 26, 2017

Here is another Observational Humor monologue presented at the end of a meeting. We’ll tell you what was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was presented.

THE SET-UP. We will give you enough background to help you understand the jokes.
1. Bogdan gave a speech about “How to end a speech”. He said there are some speeches famous for their first sentence, like Martin Luther King’s speech that starts with “I have a dream” and some speeches that are famous for the last sentence. From the same speech “Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty. We’re free at last!”

2. Bogdan also quoted few lines from Obama’s farewell speech “I am asking you to believe. I am asking you to hold fast to that faith. I am asking you to…”

3. The guests said that they liked the meeting because the speeches were evaluated, the table topics were evaluated, and even the evaluators were evaluated.

4. Erin gave a speech about fear. She said she had fear up high (fear of height). “Fear up high” sounded like “Fear of pie”. Only from the context of the speech, we understood she meant fear up high.

5. Shaoxiong did the project “How to say it”. He talked about Chinese people. He said they work for 10 to 12 hrs a day and even in the weekends. He said there are 800,000 single women in China. He is single too. He said he would like to get married to one of them.

6. Bogdan gave 5 ways to end a speech. He abbreviated those 5 ways to P.O.W.E.R.

The Humor Monologue
1. I have a joke.
(Good opening, mimicking Martin Luther King’s I have a dream speech. Some people immediately recognized it. Some didn’t)

2. I’m asking you to laugh. I’m asking you to clap. I’m asking you to give me a standing ovation. PLEASE…
(Continuing on the same theme. Mimicking Obama’s speech, and being silly – asking the audience to laugh at my jokes. This line didn’t get much response.)

3. Yes, you can.
(Another Obama line)

4. “Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty! Free at last!” No no, I’m not quoting Martin Luther King. These are the words we Indians say when we get something for free.
(Wordplay on the word ‘free’. Self deprecation (on our country). Paraprodoskian. Very good response.)

5. We’ve evaluated everyone. Now I’m going to evaluate the guests.
(Absurdity. Exaggeration. At TM meetings, we only evaluate the TMs’speeches. But exaggerated a bit and said I was going to evaluate the guests since they were the only ones unevaluated.)

6. I have fear of… wife.
(My usual wife-roast jokes)

7. I have fear of being up high too. But I’d rather be up high than being down low with my wife.
(Continuing on the wife joke. Exaggeration.)

8. Erin said she has fear up high. It sounded like “Fear of pi”. I thought maybe she had a hard time remembering PI = 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841971.
(Wordplay. Observation – since everyone thought she meant pi. Exaggeration – kept adding more digits after the decimal. Best line of the monologue.)

9. Chinese people work for 10 to 12 hrs a day and even in the weekends. Just imagine how big the Chinese population will be if they start spending more time at home.
(Linking China is the most populous country to their work schedule. Another best line.)

10. Shaoxiong, your project was “How to say it?”. The answer is “I love you. And I want to marry you.”
(Linking his project title with his speech content)

11. In some speeches, the first sentence is remembered. In some speeches, the last sentence is remembered. That’s why, to be on the safer side, I always keep all my speeches to JUST ONE SENTENCE.
(Absurdity. Being silly – keeping just one sentence in the speech so that my speech will be remembered always.)

12. Let the P.O.W.E.R be with you.
(Closed my speech with P.O.W.E.R since those were the 5 techniques that Bogdan shared to close a speech. Good closer)

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Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – June 14, 2017

Here is another Observational Humor monologue presented at the end of a meeting. We’ll tell you what was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was presented.

THE SET-UP. We will give you enough background to help you understand the jokes.
1. The word of the day was ‘Nevertheless’. Many speakers combined two sentences with the word ‘Nevertheless’. It became a running gag.

2. Today is the birthday of Donald Trump.

3. The table topics were about minions. I got a topic – what if the minion is your imaginary friend? I said that it would do tasks like, fixing me drinks, ironing my clothes, and keep my wife away.

4. Another table-topics speaker called the minion Mr.Banana since it likes bananas.

5. Floris gave a technical speech. He called himself an entrepreneur. He explained models like Waterflow model, Scrum model, Kanban model etc.

6. Many speakers went way over time.

7. Tom asked us to get out of comfort zone. He said he got out of his physical comfort zone – he started wearing different types of clothes.

8. Tom said that to get out of comfort zone he would watch the most horrible, dark, disgusting moveis.

9. Linda, a guest, came to the meeting with her father. She said she came to Toastmaster because she wants to speak well.

10. Karen, another guest, said that she came to Toastmasters because she wants to be able to use the right word for the right occasion.

11. The tabletopics master quoted someone, “Do not do something to someone which would anger you if they did it to you.”

12. When the emcee invited me to the stage for the observational humor part, Floris interrupted, raised his hands, and wanted to ask the emcee something.

The Humor Monologue
1. Floris, let the Toastmaster complete what she wanted to say. She wanted to say “Hand over the floor”, not “Hand, over the shoulders”.
(It was a spontaneous line. Since Floris interrupted by raising his hands, this line came spontaneously to me. Good opener. Keep your ears and eyes open until you start speaking. Even at the last minute, you might get lines for your monologue. The more spontaneous it is, the more laughter you’ll get)

2. Today, I’ve gotten out of my physical comfort zone. I’m wearing clothes.
(Break the audience expectation. They were expecting I was wearing different kind of clothes.)

3. Today is the birthday of Donald Trump. Like Floris, he calls himself an entrepreneur.
(Find something similar to someone said.)

4. We saw that Floris is interested in models (Waterfall, Scrum, Kanban etc). Trump is interested in the same. Models.
(Word play. Good laughter.)

5. My imaginary friend Minion likes bananas. A banana a day will keep my wife away.
(Twist a cliche. Good laughter)

6. The most horrible, dark, disgusting movie is inspired by my married life.
(Self deprecation)

7. Push your boundaries… but not the boundaries on your speech time limit. Nevertheless, it’s not a contest.
(Observation – all speakers going way over time, and linking it with the theme. Topper – running gag on the word of the day. Best line of the monologue.)

8. I always do something to someone which would not anger me when they do the same to me. Last week, on the street, I kissed a random pretty girl.
(Unexpected punchline)

9. Linda, you want to speak well. It explains why you have come with your dad. Because you don’t want to keep mum.
(Wordplay)

10. Karen, you want to use the right words for right occasions. Take a cue from the birthday boy Trump, who uses 3 words for all occasions – Terrific, Tremendous, Loser.
(Good closer. Another best line of the monologue. The word ‘Loser’ got more laughter)

Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – February 15, 2017

Here is another Observational Humor monologue presented at the end of a meeting. We’ll tell you what was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was presented.

THE SET-UP. We will give you enough background to help you understand the jokes.
1. One speaker said, “Store energy in summer and use in winter.”

2. Justina, our club president, gave an educational session on evaluation. She asked us to evaluate the speech and not the person, and not to keep telling the same negative point again and again, and to give some encouragement. She left before the meeting was over.

3. All table topics were about ship wreck. For one tabletopic, 3 people were called, they were assigned nurse, chef, soldier roles. The question was only one of them can survive and why it should be them.

4. Shripad gave icebreaker speech. He said he’s Leonardo Da Vinci. He said we would know why that is so as the speech progresses. Later we found out that he’s interested in art and science. His daughter inherited the art trait and his son, the science trait he said.

5. Shripad also talked about his profession. He was a technical guy, then later on he got the opportunity to become a project manager. He got good visibility as project manager but then he didn’t like the job. At that time he watched a Bollywood movie named “3 idiots” whose theme is – If you follow your passion, success will follow you. So, he quit his job as project manager and again became a technical guy.

6. One speaker asked us to meditate and said it’s good.

The Humor Monologue
1. I am Bill Gates. You’ll know why as my speech progresses.
(Not a joke. But a buildup and will keep the tension going until the end.)

2. The ship in which I sailed wrecked. The good news is that my wife deserted in a different island.
(I usually make wife jokes. And this one perfectly fit the place. Very good laughter.)

3. The bad news is that someone rescued me and took me to my wife.
(Continuation of the bad, good. Okish joke)

4. Moreover I wrote on the island in big font – DONT HELP.
(Visual joke. I first wrote HELP on the white board. Then I added DONT in front. That maximized the laughter. If I had written DONT first, it wouldn’t have had the same effect. Very huge laughter.)

5. If some one wrecks, it would be “Long time no see.” Or “Long time, sea”.
(Word play. I had to write it on the whiteboard for this joke to work.)

6. I want to evaluate Justina’s speech. She’s short. She is Lithuanian. She has a bad voice. A dying person will have a better voice. Donald Trump has a much better voice. She doesn’t have the courage to listen to my evaluation. She left.
(Do something that someone asks you not to do. Justina asked us to evaluate the speech and not the person. Also she asked us not to repeat a negative point.)

7. Some encouragement to justina. She didn’t use much makeup today.
(Looks like encouragement. But still sarcasm.)

8. Okay. Enough evaluating Justina’s speech.
(Huge laughter. I was not actually evaluating her speech. But saying that I was evaluating her speech is funny.)

9. Nurse, soldier, chef – 3 idiots.
(Linking 3 idiots movie to the 3 roles.)

10. I store all my jokes in summer and use them in winter.
(Adapting energy saving to Observational Humor Monologue theme.)

11. My traits will run in my family. My daughter will become a procrastinator. And my son will become a thief.
(Self deprecation.)

12. Being a thief is much better than being a project manager.
(Exaggeration. Best line of the monologue.)

13. I told my son, “Hey son, if you follow your passion, I don’t know if success will follow you or not. But definitely the police will.”
(Another very good line. Unexpected punchline.)

14. Meditation is good. You all should meditate. That will make my son’s job easier.
(Rule of three. First 2 were about good things about meditation. The third one is also a good thing – but a good thing for me.)

15. I simply steal people’s money through Windows. Now you know why I am Bill Gates.
(Bookmark ending. The punchline was revealed after 13 lines.)

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