Tag Archives: funny

Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – September 20, 2017

Here is another Observational Humor monologue presented at the end of a meeting. We’ll tell you what was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was presented.

THE SET-UP. We will give you enough background to help you understand the jokes.
1. The theme of the meeting was “Going Offline”. The emcee asked us not to use smartphones until the meeting ends.

2. I haven’t paid my membership renewal fee yet.

3. One of the table topics was “Are you addicted to internet?”. Mike was called to speak. He asked the table topics master, “Sorry, what was your question?”

4. Another table topic was “What’s the longest period you didn’t use internet?”

5. Another table topic was “If there is only only thing that you can use internet for, what would that be?”

6. Dinil said he would not use smartphone at all when he goes to India. Because he would spend most of his time with his family.

The Humor Monologue
1. [takes smartphone out of the pocket and checks the messages]
(Audience already started laughing. Good opener. Do something that someone asks you not to do.)

2. Good evening toastmasters with smartphones and toastmasters with Nokia phones.
(Joke on Nokia on how they’re lagging)

3. Mike, sorry, I haven’t paid the membership fee. And I’d like to let you know that I’m going offline for 1 year.
(Break the audience expectation. When I said, “I’d like to let you know”, the audience would assume “I’m going to pay it soon.” But then I said, “I’m going offline for 1 year”. The implied punchline was “I’ll not pay the fee for 1 year”.)

4. Does anyone want to get rid of smartphone addiction? Good news for you. I’m creating an App for it.
(Irony)

5. [does role play] When Mike came to speak on the table topic, he asked, “Sorry, what was your question?”.
“The question is, Are you addicted to internet, Mike?”.
“Yes, of course, when you asked the question, I was checking my Facebook posts.”
(Give it a definition. Why didn’t Mike hear the question the first time? I used his table topic to define this behavior – i.e. he was addicted to FB)

6. The longest period when I didn’t use internet? ONE COMPLETE DAY. That was the day when my neighbors changed their WiFi password.
(Self deprecation. Best line of the monologue.)

7. When I’m with my wife, I only spend time with her and NEVER use smartphone. Only after she goes to sleep, I text my secret girlfriends.
(Deviate from the expected. It’s sort of paraprodoskian too. Initially the audience assume that when I’m with my wife, I don’t need a smartphone because I like spending time with her. But the punchline reveals that I can’t talk with my secret girlfriends when she is with me.)

8. [I just wrote this line, but didn’t use it in the monologue. When in doubt, don’t use it]
If I can keep only one thing on the internet, that would be… “porn movies”. Ah wait, I meant, Bourne movies.. Jason Bourne movies.

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Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – August 23, 2017

Here is another Observational Humor monologue presented at the end of a meeting. We’ll tell you what was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was presented.

THE SET-UP. We will give you enough background to help you understand the jokes.
1. Many TMs were absent today. Their roles – ah counter, timer, grammarian, evaluators – were filled in by substitute TMs.

2. The ah counter said I repeated the word ‘I’ 3 times at one place, like I.. I.. I.

3. One of the table-topics was “What was your dream when you were a kid?” Franz talked. He said that when he was a kid, he was innocent like everyone here. He said that people’s dream change as life progresses.

4. Andrei gave a speech about having a life coach. He has one. He said that he would do Skype sessions with his coach. Every time he does one, his life coach would ask him to acknowledge all his victories since they last spoke. Andrei said at first it was difficult since he rarely had any victories, but later on it became easy.

5. Andrei shared Skype screenshots where he looked very happy.

6. Andrei quoted Michelangelo, “I am still learning.”

7. I told everyone that to become Dutch, I steal bicycles.

The Humor Monologue
1. Good evening dear I, I, and I.
(Twist to the cliche opening TME, TMs, and guests)

2. Most roles were substituted today. Piyush, a guest, substitutes another guest who couldn’t make it.
(Exaggeration. Absurdity that a guest substituting another guest. I could’ve added a bit of self deprecation by saying “I’m here as a substitute for a guest”.)

3. When I was a kid, I was innocent like everyone here, drinking alcohol, smoking joints.
(Paints a funny picture. Kid smoking weed)

4. Like Franz said, dreams change as life progresses. When I was a kid, I dreamed about small girls. When I was a teenager, I dreamed about teenage girls. Now I dream about women. Thank goodness, I’m still not dreaming about small girls.
(Pick something someone says seriously and adapt it to a regular pattern that occurs normally. Here what I did as a kid, teenager, and a man is common. If I did otherwise, it would be absurd. The topper is absurdity.)

5. I am a life coach. I spend all my life on couch.
(Self deprecation. Wordplay)

6. I want my wife to be my life coach. By that I mean “only Skype calls”.
(Praise first and then deviate. I first praised that I would want my wife to be my life coach. And then find some quality of being a life coach that would not suit my relationship with my wife. I found the “long distance calls” for punchline. First I praised, then I deviated saying that I would like only Skype calls with her.)

7. At next meeting, I will share our Skype screenshots. Sad faces.
(Self deprecation)

8. During the Skype call, I had to acknowledge my victories since the last time we spoke. At first, it was hard. Later on, it became easy… to say “No victories”.
(Break the audience expectation. When I said, “it became easy”, the audience assume that slowly I started achieving something so that I had at least something to share with my coach. I broke their expectation by saying “became easy… to say ‘No victories'”)

9. People who are by car, have a safe drive. People who are by bike, have a safe walk.
(Implied punchline that I’ll steal their bikes. Implied punchlines are great to add. When the audience figure themselves out the punchline, it will add a great effect)

10. I’m still learning.
(Closing by recalling Michelangelo quote.)

Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – May 3, 2017

Here is another Observational Humor monologue presented at the end of a meeting. We’ll tell you what was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was presented.

THE SET-UP. We will give you enough background to help you understand the jokes.
1. We had a guest named Amole. He said that he likes to pronounce people’s names correctly.

2. Floris talked on a table topic about coffee. He said that everyone drinks coffee at his office and coffee runs his office.

3. Word of the day was ‘Discombobulated’. Tom said that it’s his favorite word.

4. Many speakers dropped out in the last minute.

5. Amole nodded his head for something a speaker said. The speaker asked him whether he was hearing or nodding.

6. Shane gave a speech about his hobby. His hobby is programming. He said that he was going to show something which he does in a dark room, which was his hobby.

7. Tom talked on a table topic about clowns. He said that you don’t know what’s behind a clown; they may be man eaters.

The Humor Monologue
1. Good evening Toastmasters, guests, and especially Amelia. My hobby is pronouncing people’s names correctly.
(Rule of three. It’s ironic to mispronounce someone’s name who is interested in pronouncing other’s names correctly)

2. Who’s the CEO of Floris’ office? It’s coffee. Coffee runs his office.
(Derive another meaning from a sentence)

3. Today, many speakers dropped out. We wanted to fill in time. That’s why Tom chose the word ‘Discombobulated’. Every time a speaker say the word of the day, booom, 3 minutes gone.
(Exaggerating the observation that it’s a long word)

4. Discombobulated. It has all 5 vowels. And just one short of 21 consonants.
(It has all 5 vowels – observation. Followed by a topper – exaggeration. The topper got more laughter.)

5. Discombobulated – such a long word and it’s Tom’s favorite word. The shortest word is my favorite word and favorite person. That’s “I”.
(Unexpected twist. Self praising is funny.)

6. Amole, you shook your head now. I am sure that you are neither hearing nor nodding. You’re sleeping. My speech made you sleep.
(Self deprecation. If a person shakes his head, what can it be? Sleeping could be a punchline.)

7. I was shocked when Shane said, “I want to show you something which I do in the dark.”
(Best line of the monologue. Huge laughter.)

8. Moreover his speech title was “My hubby”.
(Word play. Twisting his title “My hobby”. Another best line of the monologue.)

9. My wife learnt programming. She programmed me to do the dishes, clean the toilet, cook the curry.
(Self deprecation)

10. It’s already 8:30. I’m hungry. Let me remind you that I’m a clown.
(Implied punchline that I’ll eat one of them. Good closer.)

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