Tag Archives: ghost

Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – July 12, 2017

Here is another Observational Humor monologue presented at the end of a meeting. We’ll tell you what was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was presented.

THE SET-UP. We will give you enough background to help you understand the jokes.
1. The meeting was about educational on evaluations. We had a key-note speaker who was evaluated by 6 evaluators. And those evaluators were evaluated by educators.

2. Franz, a guest, said that he is from Germany.

3. Floris was one of the educators. He suggested not to use the word ‘BUT’ after giving a positive feedback since it will eliminate all the positive feedback before the word ‘but’. e.g. you gave a good speech, but you were not audible enough.

4. Victor, the keynote speaker said, he wanted to speak with his dead brother, used ouija board, and when something moved on the board, he peed his pants. He asked us who would we want to spend one day with? Who would we want to meet from the past?

5. Winslow, another educator, said that evaluation is a boring process and nobody would say “I want to be an evaluator”.

6. The name of the TMs were printed funnily on the agenda. Their login ids were printed instead of names. Mike, our club president, name was printed as ‘mighty’.

7. Victor, the keynote speaker’s voice was very loud.

8. Justina said that she admires the people who use the floor well.

9. Floris always gives a speech with PPT, but today he didn’t.

The Humor Monologue
1. Good evening dear enemies [looks around the room] and Franz [looks at the guest named Franz]
(Shock and release technique. When I say enemies and looked at everyone, they were shocked. Released using the wordplay on Franz/friends)

2. I’m going to evaluate the educators who evaluated the evaluators who evaluated the speaker.
(Exaggerating the theme of the meeting to the next level)

3. The transition of countries. From Germany to Netherlands is Franz.
(Wordplay on guest named Franz again. I kept Franz as the last word since it keeps the surprise until the last word.)

4. Floris, you gave a great speech. BUT you didn’t use your laptop.
(Do something that someone asks you not to do. And the observation – that he didn’t use laptop for the first time in years.)

5. Good that we have so many people today. Otherwise, I would take out my Ouija board and call my grandpas and grandmas.
(Silly way to increase the attendance)

6. With whom I would want to spend a day? Hmmm… Anyone… except my wife.
(My usual wife-roast joke)

7. If I have to meet someone from the past, that would be my uncle. He owes me 3 bucks.
(Silly. I kept the amount to a very low amount – 3 bucks since a huge amount would really make it look like I was serious about it. Calling someone using ouija board to get back JUST 3 bucks sounds funny. I used ‘bucks’ instead of ‘euros’ since it ‘bucks’ sounds more funny. I chose 3 because 3 is funny. Best line of the monologue)

8. All our ex-presidents were weak. Now we have a mighty one.
(Shock and release technique. When I said the ex presidents were weak, it created shock, released it by using the funny name printed on the agenda, which was noticed and mentioned throughout the meeting)

9. Lesson learnt: Before you use your Ouija board, use the toilet… or a diaper.
(Silly way to protect yourself from peeing the pants. Diaper got more laughter.)

10. Victor, you don’t need a Ouija board. The ghosts can hear you from the other side of the world… if you talk THIS LOUD.
(Exaggeration. 3 out of 6 evaluators said he had loud voice. Just exaggerated that point.)

11. Justina, you said that you admire the people who use the floor well. BUT you didn’t say FIRST FLOOR OR SECOND FLOOR.
(Listing technique. List all things related to floor. I came up with floor/level. Being silly and asking whether first floor or second floor. Use of ‘BUT’ again.)

12. Thank you to all the people who clapped for the people who clapped for the people who clapped for me.
(Adapting the evaluation of evaluation of evaluation theme to clapping. Good closer)

Get rid of fear with help from Lord Muruga

This is a true story that happened in my childhood. I was born and brought up in a house named ‘Om Muruga Illam’. My grandfather was a devotee of Lord Muruga. My father’s name is Shanmugam. Like this, there were so many ‘Murugan’ facts at our home. But it’s really a shame that my dad, uncles, grandfather – Nobody had 2 wives.

Om Muruga

Om Muruga

When I was 8 years old, I used to be a kid who would freak out even if the door bell rang. Of course, everyone in my family would’ve freaked out had the door bell rung, because there was no doorbell at our home.

But really I was afraid of everything. My grandfather came up with a solution for my phobia. He told me, “Don’t be afraid of anything. Whenever you’re afraid, just say ‘Am um om im em nam, saravana bhava shanmuga thevaaya namaha’. No ghost or devil will come near you. Lord Muruga will take care of everything, ok?”

“Ak ek ik uk ok.”

“What? Are you kidding me?”

“As us os is yes.”

“Murugan is a powerful god, da. Trust me da.”

“!!!!!!”

“Trust me da. He even has our national bird on his side.”

“Ok, I trust you, ayya (ayya means grandfather). Can you tell the mantra once again?”

“Here it goes like this – Am um om im em nam saravana bhava shanmuga thevaaya namaha.”

“Ok, let me try. Am um om im eminem Arya bhavan namaha.”

“Dei dei dei. Why don’t you also order 3 masala dosas and uthappam? Listen carefully da. It’s am um om im em nam saravana bhava shanmuga thevaaya namaha.”

“Ayya, it sounds like a tongue twister. I think that dealing with ghosts and devils would be a lot easier than saying this mantra.”

“Try out. Lord Muruga is with you.”

“Ayya, would you try out a new pant when someone is with you?”

“No”

“Then how can you expect me to try a mantra out when someone is with me?!”

“You are confusing me.”

“Who? Me? You’re the one who confused me by saying mm mmm mmmm and more mmmms.”

“I’m writing the mantra in this paper for you. Try to memorize later. Before its expiry date.”

I took the anti-ghost paper device in my hand and started reading what was written on it. Halfway through the mantra, looking at my grandfather’s handwriting, I wondered why he didn’t become a doctor.

Somehow I managed to memorize the whole mantra. This is how I memorized the mantra – As I said each word, I imagined the ghost saying something back to me.

Me: Am im em
Ghost: Amma imma emma (in a crying voice)
Me: Um
Ghost: Umma
Me: Chee chee. No umma to me. Get lost, ghost!!

After memorizing the complete mantra, I wanted to apply that somewhere because I didn’t want to run into a ghost only to find out that ghosts are deaf.

So I decided to try the mantra on a stray dog. At that age, I was very afraid of stray dogs. I thought that if I used the mantra on a dog, it would wag its tail and become friends with me and share food.

I stepped out of ‘Om Muruga Illam’ and waited for 5 minutes for a stray dog to show up. And then my neighbor uncle showed up. I waited for 6 more minutes and then a real stray dog showed up. I called the dog towards me, “Hey jujjju, jajjja, come on here.” The dog slowly started walking towards me. And slowly, fear started creeping into me.

I said to myself, “Alright, now is the time. Come on. Tell the mantra.”
I started telling, “Am um om im em nam saravana bhavaaaaaaa shanmuga thevaaya namaha.”

There was no reaction from the dog. It was still moving towards me. I thought that maybe the stray dogs talked a different language and didn’t understand Sanskrit. I tried again, “Am um om im em nam saravana bhava shanmuga thevaaya namaha.” The dog didn’t stop – It came very close to me.

My dad, after looking at me and dog on the road, came out of home and said “shoo shoo shoo” at the dog. And the dog ran away.

I sensed some relief after the dog was gone. That was the day I found out “shoo shoo shoo” is better mantra and more easy to remember.

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