Tag Archives: standup

Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – September 20, 2017

Here is another Observational Humor monologue presented at the end of a meeting. We’ll tell you what was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was presented.

THE SET-UP. We will give you enough background to help you understand the jokes.
1. The theme of the meeting was “Going Offline”. The emcee asked us not to use smartphones until the meeting ends.

2. I haven’t paid my membership renewal fee yet.

3. One of the table topics was “Are you addicted to internet?”. Mike was called to speak. He asked the table topics master, “Sorry, what was your question?”

4. Another table topic was “What’s the longest period you didn’t use internet?”

5. Another table topic was “If there is only only thing that you can use internet for, what would that be?”

6. Dinil said he would not use smartphone at all when he goes to India. Because he would spend most of his time with his family.

The Humor Monologue
1. [takes smartphone out of the pocket and checks the messages]
(Audience already started laughing. Good opener. Do something that someone asks you not to do.)

2. Good evening toastmasters with smartphones and toastmasters with Nokia phones.
(Joke on Nokia on how they’re lagging)

3. Mike, sorry, I haven’t paid the membership fee. And I’d like to let you know that I’m going offline for 1 year.
(Break the audience expectation. When I said, “I’d like to let you know”, the audience would assume “I’m going to pay it soon.” But then I said, “I’m going offline for 1 year”. The implied punchline was “I’ll not pay the fee for 1 year”.)

4. Does anyone want to get rid of smartphone addiction? Good news for you. I’m creating an App for it.
(Irony)

5. [does role play] When Mike came to speak on the table topic, he asked, “Sorry, what was your question?”.
“The question is, Are you addicted to internet, Mike?”.
“Yes, of course, when you asked the question, I was checking my Facebook posts.”
(Give it a definition. Why didn’t Mike hear the question the first time? I used his table topic to define this behavior – i.e. he was addicted to FB)

6. The longest period when I didn’t use internet? ONE COMPLETE DAY. That was the day when my neighbors changed their WiFi password.
(Self deprecation. Best line of the monologue.)

7. When I’m with my wife, I only spend time with her and NEVER use smartphone. Only after she goes to sleep, I text my secret girlfriends.
(Deviate from the expected. It’s sort of paraprodoskian too. Initially the audience assume that when I’m with my wife, I don’t need a smartphone because I like spending time with her. But the punchline reveals that I can’t talk with my secret girlfriends when she is with me.)

8. [I just wrote this line, but didn’t use it in the monologue. When in doubt, don’t use it]
If I can keep only one thing on the internet, that would be… “porn movies”. Ah wait, I meant, Bourne movies.. Jason Bourne movies.

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Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – May 27, 2015

Read the set-up below and then read the humor monologue.

THE SET-UP (What was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was delivered)

1. In the agenda, after every speaker, there was an agenda item named “Quiet evaluation of speech” during which the audience have to write down some feedback for the speaker. Floris, the host, forgot this and invited the 2nd speaker as soon as the 1st speaker finished. Later he remembered this for the 2nd 3rd and 4th speakers and asked the audience to write down feedback.

2. Philip, a guest, visited our club after 2 years. He said he is moving to China soon, so he can’t come anymore to our club. Floris said there are Toastmasters club in China too and he can join one. Philip wondered, “Oh, China has too?!”

3. Winslow is the new VP of Public Relation. He said that his goal is to bring 100 guests to our meetings over the next year.

4. Floris, the host, announced during the break that everyone gets a complementary drink.

5. Winslow said that when he was young, he needed glasses. To read clearly.

6. One of the table-topics was “Why shouldn’t you go to gym?”

7. Word of the day at the last meeting was “Progress”. It was written in a moving board which was kept at the back of the room. We weren’t using that board at today’s meeting. We used another one which was closer to us.

8. Justina evaluated my speech and she mentioned there was no structure in it.

The Humor Monologue

1. Floris, after the 2nd 3rd and 4th speakers, did the right thing. i.e. “quite evaluation of speech”. But after the 1st speaker, he “quit evaluation of speech”.

2. Philip, good to see you after 2 years. Hope to see you again… in 2 years.

3. Winslow, I have a tip for you to have many guests. Publish that we offer one complementary drink. We’ll have 1000 Indians… every meeting.

4. When I was young, I needed glasses [shows the audience a beer bottle]

5. My speech has no structure. To get some structure, it’s time I sent my speech to a gym.

6. Toastmasters are everywhere. They are even in China. No word yet from the toastmasters in Bermuda triangle.

7. It’s time this board [points to the board in the back of the room where “progress” is written] made some progress and moved forward.

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