Tag Archives: toastmasters monologue

Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – September 20, 2017

Here is another Observational Humor monologue presented at the end of a meeting. We’ll tell you what was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was presented.

THE SET-UP. We will give you enough background to help you understand the jokes.
1. The theme of the meeting was “Going Offline”. The emcee asked us not to use smartphones until the meeting ends.

2. I haven’t paid my membership renewal fee yet.

3. One of the table topics was “Are you addicted to internet?”. Mike was called to speak. He asked the table topics master, “Sorry, what was your question?”

4. Another table topic was “What’s the longest period you didn’t use internet?”

5. Another table topic was “If there is only only thing that you can use internet for, what would that be?”

6. Dinil said he would not use smartphone at all when he goes to India. Because he would spend most of his time with his family.

The Humor Monologue
1. [takes smartphone out of the pocket and checks the messages]
(Audience already started laughing. Good opener. Do something that someone asks you not to do.)

2. Good evening toastmasters with smartphones and toastmasters with Nokia phones.
(Joke on Nokia on how they’re lagging)

3. Mike, sorry, I haven’t paid the membership fee. And I’d like to let you know that I’m going offline for 1 year.
(Break the audience expectation. When I said, “I’d like to let you know”, the audience would assume “I’m going to pay it soon.” But then I said, “I’m going offline for 1 year”. The implied punchline was “I’ll not pay the fee for 1 year”.)

4. Does anyone want to get rid of smartphone addiction? Good news for you. I’m creating an App for it.
(Irony)

5. [does role play] When Mike came to speak on the table topic, he asked, “Sorry, what was your question?”.
“The question is, Are you addicted to internet, Mike?”.
“Yes, of course, when you asked the question, I was checking my Facebook posts.”
(Give it a definition. Why didn’t Mike hear the question the first time? I used his table topic to define this behavior – i.e. he was addicted to FB)

6. The longest period when I didn’t use internet? ONE COMPLETE DAY. That was the day when my neighbors changed their WiFi password.
(Self deprecation. Best line of the monologue.)

7. When I’m with my wife, I only spend time with her and NEVER use smartphone. Only after she goes to sleep, I text my secret girlfriends.
(Deviate from the expected. It’s sort of paraprodoskian too. Initially the audience assume that when I’m with my wife, I don’t need a smartphone because I like spending time with her. But the punchline reveals that I can’t talk with my secret girlfriends when she is with me.)

8. [I just wrote this line, but didn’t use it in the monologue. When in doubt, don’t use it]
If I can keep only one thing on the internet, that would be… “porn movies”. Ah wait, I meant, Bourne movies.. Jason Bourne movies.

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Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – January 11, 2017

Happy New Year 2017, folks. May this year be a fantastic year for you.

Here is another Observational Humor monologue presented at the end of a meeting. We’ll tell you what was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was presented.

THE SET-UP. We will give you enough background to help you understand the jokes.
1. Marcelina, the table topics master gave different objects to people and asked the speakers to talk about them. She took the objects out of an Albert Heijn (a famous Dutch chain of supermarket) bag.

2. One of the objects was “Women makeup kit”. Rens talked. He said that he appreciate the courage of women who don’t use make-up.

3. There were 3 Alex’s in the meeting.

4. Our club is growing. We have almost 35 to 40 members.

5. We had 6 guests. They were from Portugal, Italy, India, Romania, Netherlands.

6. The pub next door offered free cheese (leftovers) to us. But most of us didn’t eat that.

7. Shashi mistakenly said he listened to a music piece and stoned. But he actually wanted to say “mesmerized”. It became a running gag.

8. Word of the day was “Volatility” – transformation of liquid to gas.

9. Lupe gave a speech about Spanish people and their fear of public speaking, but they use the body language very well. She used too much statistics. Her speech evaluator said she added ‘e’ before anything that starts with ‘S’. e.g. eSpain, eSpaniard etc. Also she pronounced ‘audience’ as ‘ouudience’.

10. Next week, we’re having potluck dinner.

11. Our club has a new Whatsapp group.

The Humor Monologue
1. Good evening gentlemen, ladies… with makeup, and ladies without makeup.
(Rule of 3. Good opener. I paused after saying “ladies” to make it work.)

2. Alex (ah counter), you missed to count one ‘AH’ that that the table topics master used. She used an Albert Heijn bag.
(In the Netherlands, it’s quite common abbreviation AH. Everyone knows AH means Albert Heijn by default. This was a clever line and made them go wow.)

3. We have guests from Portugal, Italy, India, Romania. Spanish guests will join us next week, when we just have dinner, and no talking.
(Callback to Spanish people having fear of public speaking. Superiority theory – There were no Spanish people except Lupe in the audience.)

4. We have a new WhatsApp group. Kudos to all the women who have a profile picture without makeup.
(Callback to the makeup line. Good laughter.)

5. My wife and I always have arguments about using make-up. The arguments always end with “Okay, I will not use it anymore. I promise you, my darling wifey.”
(Break the audience assumption. They assume by default that it’s the woman who wears make-up. The last word of this joke breaks that assumption and let them rethink the whole sentence. Self deprecation.)

6. We have so many members in this club. It’s time we split the club in to two. One club with 20 members. And the other club with all the Alex’s.
(Best line of the monologue. The build up created tension and the punchline was at the very end, the very last word – Alex’s. Exaggeration. Create tension and release technique.)

7. Nobody touched the free cheese. No wonder it’s second week of the New Year… everyone having gym membership cards.
(Universal truth that people are motivated only in the beginning of the year to be motivated.)

8. May I suggest you a very good work out for tonight? After I say a joke, keep clapping. Work-out for your hands.
(I thought it was a good line since it is kind of silly suggestion, but the response was kind of ‘Meh’.)

9. And Spaniards, use your body, and roll on the floor, laughing.
(Topper. This one got decent laughter.)

10. Lupe, you are very good at estatistics. That’s Ouusome.
(Joke. Topper. Repeat one’s mistake. Both of them got good laughter.)

11. Word of the day is volatile, meaning “liquid to gas”. It is definitely not the word of the season. All the liquid is turning into ice.
(Geeky line. It’s kind of line that would make audience go wow it’s thinking from a different angle, but not make them laugh.)

12. Before announcing the winners, when we were drum rolling, Shashi was stoned.
(Great opportunity to call back the running gag. I was looking for a place at the meeting where we make music. Drum roll has the instrument name itself in the name. So it made sense to make use of this opportunity. Perfect closer.)

Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – August 24, 2016

Here is another Observational Humor monologue presented at the end of a meeting. We’ll tell you what was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was presented.

THE SET-UP. We will give you enough background to help you understand the jokes.
1. The emcee said, “Welcome to the 213th Toastmasters episode, instead of saying 213th Toastmasters meeting.”

2. Mike talked about the Netherlands royal family – King Willem Alexander and Queen Maxima.

3. Few toastmasters forgot to pick their name cards before being seated.

4. A table topic was about 7 habits of highly effective people.

5. Netherlands is famous for drugs. Smoking marijuana is legal here.

6. Rens said a very dark joke. If you put a coin in a machine and get a cigarette, is the cigarette yours or the machine’s? (implicitly comparing that to a woman delivering a child)

7. Rens said, “During tough situations, stay calm. And then the situation will become much much better.”

8. Inna said that you don’t have to work a day if you love your job – meaning that it won’t feel like working.

9. Justina said that she never regretted coming to Toastmasters meetings. She was wearing a short skirt since it was very hot. She said that in the past she couldn’t come skirtless (meaning that she had to cover herself fully because of cold). But the meaning changed – implying that she couldn’t come naked.

10. Word of the day was ‘Profound’.

11. Inna talked about ABZ career plan. i.e. if your plan to go to B from A doesn’t work, then you should have plan Z.

The Humor Monologue
1. Welcome to Season 8, Episode 16.
(Make the mistake that someone already made to get laughs. I added ‘season’ too to ‘episode’)

2. The Netherlands have King Willem Alexander, Queen Maxima. And I am Joker Bala.
(Following the pattern king, queen, joker as in a deck of playing cards)

3. Do not take your name card with you [looking at the people who had no name cards] if you don’t want to get called for the table topics.
(Giving a new definition. Gave a definition to the people who were not having the name card)

4. The table topic for you, Mike, is… Don’t worry, I’m just joking.
(Being arrogant. i.e. I’m planning to give a table topic to someone that had no name plate)

5. I’ve been here at Toastmasters 116 times. I regretted coming here every single time. Because not even once, Justina was skirtless.
(Tension and release technique. Saying that I regret coming to Toastmasters created the tension. Releasing it with a silly reason generated the laughter. Best line of the monologue.)

6. I don’t know what the 7 habits of highly effective people are. But I know the 7 habits of effectively HIGH people [posed like smoking cigarette]
(Word play. I had to pose like smoking because HIGH could also mean people in high status.)

7. No. 1 habit in that list is “Buy your cigarette from a shop, not from a machine.”
(Simple callback. Got good laughter.)

8. Rens said, “Stay calm during tough situation… and the situation will get much much better. Actually, I’m a follower of this principle. A lot of times, I’ve just stayed calm [pause of 3 secs]… until the timer signaled GREEN.
(Self deprecation. Implied punchline. i.e. I would stay calm during my speech and wait until the light turns green.)

9. You don’t have to work a day if you love your job… or born in a Royal family.
(Truth. Callback to the Royal family.)

10. I don’t shake hands with anyone, because I won’t know if the shake is mine or the shake is theirs.
(Callback to cigarette joke. And adapting that to shaking hands.)

11. Word of the day is ‘Profound’. First of all, in using this word, I’m not a PRO, and I was LOST.
(Wordplay. Splitting the word into two and using the antonym of those 2 sub words. Worked very well. Good laughter.)

12. To go back home, take highway A21 or B16. If both are closed, take Z56.
(Callback to ABZ plan. Good closer.)

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