Tag Archives: toastmasters

Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – February 7, 2018

Here is another Observational Humor monologue presented at the end of a meeting. We’ll tell you what was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was presented.

THE SET-UP. We will give you enough background to help you understand the jokes.
1. The word of the day was ‘Zealot’ meaning fanatic about something. e.g. Zealot speaker = someone who is fanatic about speaking.

2. Emcee was late to the meeting.

3. One of the table topics speakers was talking about experiment about getting back things from space to earth.

4. Free food was available during the break.

5. Floris said that the best way to talk is Face to Face. He asked to avoid socialmedia chats.

6. One of the table topics was “What kind of car do you like?”

7. Herman’s speech was “You are what you eat”. He said that apricot kernels are poisonous. He suggested cooking with coconut oil as an alternative to butter.

8. Mike gave a demo on using our TM Club website. The speech went over time – 36 mins in total. In the first page of our website he showed pics of the board members and in the second page he showed a group pic of all club members wearing masks.

9. Mike finished his speech by showing a slide having an angry kid pic with caption “Any questions?”

10. Two speakers mentioned that I have grown fluffy beard. It became sort of like running gag.

The Humor Monologue
1. Dear Toastmasters, guests, and free-food zealots.
(Using the word of the day and rule of three.)

2. Sorry that the emcee was late tonight. We had a hard time bringing her back from space.
(First line got good laughter – i.e. I am asking sorry for her being late. It was like deprecating the emcee. It triggers the superiority theory in the audience. The topper paints a funny picture.)

3. I am always free. Because you are what you eat. I eat FREE food.
(Self deprecation. Wordplay)

4. Floris said that the best way to talk is Face to Face. But I prefer Facebook to Facebook.

5. What kind of car do I like? The one that has no kids in the backseat… and wife in the next seat.
(Universal humor. i.e. it’s hard to manage the kids in the backseat. The topper is again universal humor. i.e. disturbing-wife when you’re driving)

6. Don’t eat anything that’s poisonous. I don’t eat anything that my wife cooks. I tell her, “Better give me apricot kernels.”
(One of the best lines of the monologue. My usual wife roast joke. The topper got more laughter. Apricot Kernel itself is funny-sounding.)

7. Obviously cooking with crude oil gives fluffy beard. Good that my wife is not here.
(Another best line. Used the listing technique. The speaker suggested coconut oil for cooking. I listed all possible things in oil and came up with an absurd thing that is funny to use for cooking. I chose crude. Crude is also funny-sounding. The topper got the best laughter of the evening. Two reasons:
1. Implicit punchline.
2. It paints a funny picture – my wife with beard.)

8. Mike showed on our TM website in the first page the beautiful board members. In the second page, ugly club members. That’s why we were wearing masks.
(Self-deprecation. Here self = club. Technique = giving a new definition. I was thinking why we could be wearing a mask? I came up with the self-deprecating punchline ‘ugly’.)

9. Mike’s speech on using our TM Club website was too long. He could’ve shorten it by showing us first how to log out.
(Snarky remark. Absurdity – if he had logged out, it would’ve shorten the time, but there would’ve been no demo at all.)

10. Any questions? Better ask Mike.
(Callback to Mike using an angry kid pic for closing questions)


Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – September 20, 2017

Here is another Observational Humor monologue presented at the end of a meeting. We’ll tell you what was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was presented.

THE SET-UP. We will give you enough background to help you understand the jokes.
1. The theme of the meeting was “Going Offline”. The emcee asked us not to use smartphones until the meeting ends.

2. I haven’t paid my membership renewal fee yet.

3. One of the table topics was “Are you addicted to internet?”. Mike was called to speak. He asked the table topics master, “Sorry, what was your question?”

4. Another table topic was “What’s the longest period you didn’t use internet?”

5. Another table topic was “If there is only only thing that you can use internet for, what would that be?”

6. Dinil said he would not use smartphone at all when he goes to India. Because he would spend most of his time with his family.

The Humor Monologue
1. [takes smartphone out of the pocket and checks the messages]
(Audience already started laughing. Good opener. Do something that someone asks you not to do.)

2. Good evening toastmasters with smartphones and toastmasters with Nokia phones.
(Joke on Nokia on how they’re lagging)

3. Mike, sorry, I haven’t paid the membership fee. And I’d like to let you know that I’m going offline for 1 year.
(Break the audience expectation. When I said, “I’d like to let you know”, the audience would assume “I’m going to pay it soon.” But then I said, “I’m going offline for 1 year”. The implied punchline was “I’ll not pay the fee for 1 year”.)

4. Does anyone want to get rid of smartphone addiction? Good news for you. I’m creating an App for it.

5. [does role play] When Mike came to speak on the table topic, he asked, “Sorry, what was your question?”.
“The question is, Are you addicted to internet, Mike?”.
“Yes, of course, when you asked the question, I was checking my Facebook posts.”
(Give it a definition. Why didn’t Mike hear the question the first time? I used his table topic to define this behavior – i.e. he was addicted to FB)

6. The longest period when I didn’t use internet? ONE COMPLETE DAY. That was the day when my neighbors changed their WiFi password.
(Self deprecation. Best line of the monologue.)

7. When I’m with my wife, I only spend time with her and NEVER use smartphone. Only after she goes to sleep, I text my secret girlfriends.
(Deviate from the expected. It’s sort of paraprodoskian too. Initially the audience assume that when I’m with my wife, I don’t need a smartphone because I like spending time with her. But the punchline reveals that I can’t talk with my secret girlfriends when she is with me.)

8. [I just wrote this line, but didn’t use it in the monologue. When in doubt, don’t use it]
If I can keep only one thing on the internet, that would be… “porn movies”. Ah wait, I meant, Bourne movies.. Jason Bourne movies.

Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – August 23, 2017

Here is another Observational Humor monologue presented at the end of a meeting. We’ll tell you what was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was presented.

THE SET-UP. We will give you enough background to help you understand the jokes.
1. Many TMs were absent today. Their roles – ah counter, timer, grammarian, evaluators – were filled in by substitute TMs.

2. The ah counter said I repeated the word ‘I’ 3 times at one place, like I.. I.. I.

3. One of the table-topics was “What was your dream when you were a kid?” Franz talked. He said that when he was a kid, he was innocent like everyone here. He said that people’s dream change as life progresses.

4. Andrei gave a speech about having a life coach. He has one. He said that he would do Skype sessions with his coach. Every time he does one, his life coach would ask him to acknowledge all his victories since they last spoke. Andrei said at first it was difficult since he rarely had any victories, but later on it became easy.

5. Andrei shared Skype screenshots where he looked very happy.

6. Andrei quoted Michelangelo, “I am still learning.”

7. I told everyone that to become Dutch, I steal bicycles.

The Humor Monologue
1. Good evening dear I, I, and I.
(Twist to the cliche opening TME, TMs, and guests)

2. Most roles were substituted today. Piyush, a guest, substitutes another guest who couldn’t make it.
(Exaggeration. Absurdity that a guest substituting another guest. I could’ve added a bit of self deprecation by saying “I’m here as a substitute for a guest”.)

3. When I was a kid, I was innocent like everyone here, drinking alcohol, smoking joints.
(Paints a funny picture. Kid smoking weed)

4. Like Franz said, dreams change as life progresses. When I was a kid, I dreamed about small girls. When I was a teenager, I dreamed about teenage girls. Now I dream about women. Thank goodness, I’m still not dreaming about small girls.
(Pick something someone says seriously and adapt it to a regular pattern that occurs normally. Here what I did as a kid, teenager, and a man is common. If I did otherwise, it would be absurd. The topper is absurdity.)

5. I am a life coach. I spend all my life on couch.
(Self deprecation. Wordplay)

6. I want my wife to be my life coach. By that I mean “only Skype calls”.
(Praise first and then deviate. I first praised that I would want my wife to be my life coach. And then find some quality of being a life coach that would not suit my relationship with my wife. I found the “long distance calls” for punchline. First I praised, then I deviated saying that I would like only Skype calls with her.)

7. At next meeting, I will share our Skype screenshots. Sad faces.
(Self deprecation)

8. During the Skype call, I had to acknowledge my victories since the last time we spoke. At first, it was hard. Later on, it became easy… to say “No victories”.
(Break the audience expectation. When I said, “it became easy”, the audience assume that slowly I started achieving something so that I had at least something to share with my coach. I broke their expectation by saying “became easy… to say ‘No victories'”)

9. People who are by car, have a safe drive. People who are by bike, have a safe walk.
(Implied punchline that I’ll steal their bikes. Implied punchlines are great to add. When the audience figure themselves out the punchline, it will add a great effect)

10. I’m still learning.
(Closing by recalling Michelangelo quote.)

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