Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – June 24, 2015

Read the set-up below and then read the humor monologue.

THE SET-UP (What was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was delivered)

1. Tobias, our club’s new president, came to the meeting wearing a wig (to support his funny speech).

2. When Tobias gave his speech, James was standing to relax his back. Tobias during his speech said that when he went to France, he bought so many fishes in a restaurant. Then he took pictures of all of them arranged in a plate.

3. Wilhelm, one of the evaluators, said that when you speak, keep your hands at waist level and imagine that you’re holding a pizza (for good posture).

4. The ah counter said that I used too many so’s during my role as Toastmaster-of-the-evening.

5. Justina, the general evaluator, said that all 4 speeches were solid and it’s been a long time since we had 4 solid speeches. She also said that the evaluators used the sandwich method. i.e. what’s good; what’s bad; and what’s good.

6. Jitske told a story in which lion goes to a rabbit; asks who’s the king of the jungle to show its power. Rabbit says, “You”. Then the lion goes to a deer and asks who’s the king of the jungle. Deer says, “You”. Then it goes to an elephant and asks who’s the king of the jungle. The elephant lifts the lion with its trunk, throws far far away, then runs over the lion. For which the lion says, “If you don’t know the answer, you could say that, right?”

7. Rubin said that if you want to call for action, don’t just say it, but disguise it. For e.g. if you want people to keep their house clean, instead of saying “Keep your house clean”, say “It’s not really important to [pause] keep your house clean [pause] NOW.” and look in their eye.

8. Tobias’ speech topic was caffeine seduction. He drew chemical formula of caffeine drug. It looked like two eyes. Then another member added a small mouth. Another member made it as a big mouth. Then another member drew an ear. It kept on going. See the pic below.

Caffeine drug picture

The Humor Monologue
1. Good evening toastmasters, guests, and the baby that’s growing
[pointing to the above pic]

2. I want you all to drink a cup of coffee. That’s the only way by which I can keep you awake when I speak.

3. It is not really important to… laugh at my jokes… NOW.

4. If you give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. If you give him many, he’ll take pics.

5. James was standing for 20 mins when Tobias was talking. Maybe before Tobias started speaking, he asked James in a commanding voice “WHO IS THE PRESIDENT OF THIS CLUB”. (Joke based on “People stand to give respect”)

6. Tobias, our new president, asked us what improvement we would like to see at our club. We said, “More women”. He started the initiative by wearing a lady wig.

7. Tobias has 3 kids. He went to the first kid and asked, “Who is the boss of this house?” “You,” she said. He went to the second kid and asked, “Who is the boss of this house?” “You,” she said. He went to his wife and asked “Who is the boss of this house?” Three days later, Tobias was found in America, lying unconscious in a beach together with lions.

8. It’s been a long time we had 4 solid speeches. It’s because I used to be one of the four speakers.

9. When you speak, you use pizza. And when you evaluate, you use sandwich.

10. Thank you so much. Ah wait, sorry… thank you much.

Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – June 10, 2015

Read the set-up below and then read the humor monologue.

THE SET-UP (What was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was delivered)

1. Sri, during her speech, told that Eindhoven, the city where we live, is a city of nerds. The percentage of smart people in 2011 was 22%, she said.

2. Winshow, the host, called the guests as pre-members since at the end of this meeting they will be very much willing to join our club.

3. Winslow himself explained the supporting roles–ah counter, timer, grammarian etc– instead of asking the people who performed those roles to explain.

4. Justina talked about the importance of your voice and she asked us to give it rest whenever we can.

5. Rens said that if a tough guy touches your shoulder and intimidates you, do these 4 steps (he explained those steps).

6. This was the first meeting we recorded speeches. Every speaker accepted to record their speech except Justina. I performed the video-master role (to record speeches). I also performed timer role (to signal green, amber, red).

7. All the girls were sitting on the right-side of the hall.

8. Rubin’s table-topic was “How to keep memories of your holiday”. He talked brilliantly, but the grammarian pointed out that Rubin repeated most his words twice.

The Humor Monologue:
Video is available below. The first line of my monologue is not in this video. Watch the video, and also do read the lines below.

1. Good evening Toastmastnerds, membnerds, and pre-membnerds.

2. Next 2 minutes, until the end of this monologue, I’m going to give my voice rest.

3. Winslow gave an inspirational speech to make the pre-members as members. Now my speech is going to make all the members as past members.

4. When a tough guy touches my shoulder, do you know what I do? I use the technique I employ during the Toastmasters meetings. I start giving a speech and he’ll be asleep in 30 seconds.

5. Winslow, the toastmaster of the evening, explained all supporting roles, like ah counter, grammarian, timer all by himself. Then I was getting ready to hear 4 prepared-speeches and 4 evaluations from him.

6. In 2011, the percentage of smart people in Eindhoven was 22%. It dropped when I moved in.

7. Justina requested me to not record her speech because she has not put on make-up.

8. In any argument, girls are always right. Today, at this meeting too, they are right. [points to all the girls who were sitting on the right side]

9. Rubin’s speech was “How to keep memories of your holiday?” But he really worked hard on making us keep memories of his speech. He repeated everything twice.

10. Today, I had the camera and the lights. If you went over-speed or crossed when it was red, you would’ve got a ticket.

That Awesome Road Trip

Note: This is a speech I delivered at Toastmasters meeting from “Humorously Speaking series”

Road trips are fun. Last summer, 2 of my friends and I decided to do a road trip to cover 50 kms by bike (bicycle). The first thing and the most important thing you need to do for a bike trip is “Bragging on Facebook”. I updated my Facebook status “Doing a road trip by bike. 275 kms. Feeling excited”.

There are 3 ways to do a bike trip:
1. Ride all the way by bike, take selfies, and post on Facebook.
2. Take a bus, go to the destination, borrow a bike from someone for 3 minutes, take selfies, and post on Facebook.
3. Photoshop… and post pics on Facebook.

We 3 friends decided to do the first option. But 3 ain’t a lucky number for me. So, I decided to invite my friend Ravi to make the count as 4.
“Hey Ravi, we are doing an awesome, fun-filled, exciting bike trip. Want to join?”
“No.”
I tried in many ways to convince him, but he didn’t say yes. Finally, found a way to get him in our trip.
“Ravi, we’re doing 50 kms. And all the way, there are going to be 1000 beautiful girls.”
“Count me in.”

I make women's bike turn towards me.

I make women’s bike turn towards me.

We started from Eindhoven. We covered 25 kms and reached the destination. We saw not even ONE girl all the way. Ravi was disappointed. I consoled him, “Look. Maybe we took the road less traveled. That’s why no one is there in this road. While going back, let’s take another route.”

On our way back to Eindhoven, we covered almost 10 kms, and still no sign of a girl showing up on our way. Only 15 kms to go. That’s when this surprising thing happened.

Madhav, Krishna – two other friends – were going 100 feet ahead of me. Ravi was just coming behind me. At that time, I heard a loud noise *BANNNGGGG*. I turned to see what it was. Ravi was lying flat on the ground (with his face downwards).

I went up to Ravi and told, “I know we did 40 kms and are tired. But this ain’t the place to sleep and take rest.”
He looked angrily at me. I then said, “I know it rained heavily an hour ago and the road is full of water. But this ain’t the time to swim. Get back on the bike.”
That time, I noticed blood coming from his chin. I thought of asking him “Why did he pour beetroot juice all over his chin”, but it wasn’t time to joke.

I took him to the nearby tree and asked him to rest against it. I shouted “Maaadhaaavvv”, “Krrrisshhnaaa”. “Come soon. Ravi is injured.” They came immediately.
Suddenly, to our shock, Ravi passed out for 10 to 20 seconds. We were not sure what to do because that was the first time we saw someone passing out. Luckily, he came back to consciousness.
I kept giving Ravi some hope, “Don’t give up buddy… stay conscious.. we are going to see loads of good-looking girls.” We gave him some water. He drank and looked bit relaxed.

A car crossed by and stopped after seeing us. To our surprise, 4 girls got out of the car. The girl who was leading them came nearby and asked, “What’s going on?”
WOW!!! She is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.
I explained to her everything that happened.
“Don’t worry. I’m a doctor,” she said.
“I think, an ibuprofen, a paracetamol, an anacin, a metacin will cure his illness.” I tried to talk her language.
But she didn’t listen to what I said and was taking a look at Ravi’s injury. She asked him to keep his head still and not move to left and right.
WHY ON EARTH WOULD HE MOVE HIS HEAD WHEN HE HAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN SITTING IN FRONT OF HIM???!!!!

She asked me to call the emergency and ask for ambulance. I asked her, “What’s the emergency number?”
“112,” she replied.
“Ok. What’s YOUR number?” I wanted to make use of that opportunity.
She didn’t listen to me and was still taking a look at his injury.

I moved further away, called 112, and arranged an ambulance. Then I came back to the place where they were there. Ambulance would arrive in 15 minutes. We were chit chatting with those girls during that time. Those girls were saying that they were actually on the way to a bachelor party.
“Who is getting married?” I asked.
All of them pointed their finger at the most beautiful doctor girl.
*crackkk* My heart broke. I held my hands on my heart and said in pain, “Call another ambulance.”

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