Humor Monologue delivered at Area Contest – September 24, 2016

Today we had our Area contest. I competed in the Humorous Speech Contest. I also presented Observational Humor Monologue at the end of the contest. We’ll tell you what was said and what happened during the contest before the monologue was presented.

THE SET-UP. We will give you enough background to help you understand the jokes.
1. The table topic for the contest was “Have you booked your ticket to Madrid (Spain) for the District Contest?”

2. Leo, one of the contestants, said that he likes Vincent van Gogh very much (He was wearing Vincent van Gogh t-shirt too). He said that Vincent was never to Spain. So he’s flying to the District Contest wearing that t-shirt, and implicitly it’ll mean Vincent is in Madrid. Leo participated in Dutch Table-topics contest too. In that speech too, he developed a speech about Vincent and linked that to the table topic. Both were like prepared speeches with a minor link to the actual table topic. Kind of cheating.

3. A speaker talked about how 1st class and 2nd class chicken peck on the neck of the lowest class chicken.

The Humor Monologue
1. Dear Toastmasters, guests, and Vincent van Gogh.
(Simple callback to Leo telling irrelevant stories about Vincent van Gogh)

2. The first-place winner and the second-place winner will peck on the neck of the third-place winner.
(Absurd. Silly. Callback to chicken pecking.)

3. Next week, I’m taking my wife to America. I mean I’ll just be wearing her clothes.
(Absurd – wearing women’s dresses. And callback to Leo wearing Vincent van Gogh t-shirt and implying he was taking Vincent to Spain.)

4. [I wrote the words ‘Wife’ and ‘Spain’ on the white board] [looked at the audience]
[Then I added an apostrophe] Wife’s pain.
(Word play. Huge laughter.)

5. Leo was flying to Madrid. The air hostess said to him, “Excuse me sir, can you take off your t-shirt?” Leo was happy that a pretty girl was asking him to take off his clothes, he asked her, “Why me?” For which the air hostess replied, “Two persons can’t fly with one ticket.”
(Absurdity. Assuming that t-shirt is another person according to Leo’s story, and developing that story on a plane. Good laughter)

Humor Monologue delivered at Club Contest – September 21, 2016

Tonight we had our club contest. I competed in the Humorous Speech Contest. I also presented Observational Humor Monologue at the end of the contest. We’ll tell you what was said and what happened during the contest before the monologue was presented.

THE SET-UP. We will give you enough background to help you understand the jokes.
1. I was the only contestant in the Humorous Speech Contest. So I won.

2. The contest master said that to be a judge for any of the contests, he/she should have been a member of Toastmasters for at least 6 months.

3. I gave a speech about fear of public speaking. I said that I don’t have fear of public breathing. I also said that I break into strangers’ home and steal/try their clothes. I jokingly said that at the meeting I was wearing Kesh’s shirt, Melanie’s trousers, and Scott’s underwear.

4. The table topic contest topic was about school experience. The contest master first played a school bell and asked the contestants what it sounded like. And then she asked them to speak about their school experience. Scott, one of the speakers, said that in schools he used to drink alcohol a lot.

5. Alex, another table topics contestant, said that he came first in all the examinations in school.

6. Floris showed a pic of all our club members wearing masks.

The Humor Monologue
1. I am the Observational Humor Master. You can laugh at my jokes if you’re a member for at least 6 months.
(Good opener. Adapting 6-months-member-to-be-a-judge fact to the humor theme)

2. I hope you don’t have fear of public laughing.
(Following the pattern. Fear of public speaking. Fear of public breathing.)

3. Alex said that he came first in all the examinations. Alex and I have one thing in common. Alex came first, like how I came first today – without competition.
(Exaggerating that Alex came first because he was the only student in the class)

4. There were actually 3 contestants for the humorous speech contest. The other two couldn’t make it because… I stole their clothes.
(Silly. I asked myself the why question – why were no other speakers, and came up with this silly answer.)

5. Tringgggg. How does that sound, Scott? Hmmm. It’s time for alcohol.
(Since Scott said he used to drink lots of alcohol at school, I linked the tringgg sound with “It’s time for alcohol” sound.)

6. For Scott, every school is ‘High’ school.
(Wordplay)

7. Kesh, Melanie, and Scott. What?? Do you want your clothes back… now?
(Painting a funny picture – me being naked.)

8. You saw a pic of all of us wearing masks. That picture was taken at a stranger’s house.
(Asking myself the why question – why were we wearing masks. And connected that to the breaking-into-someone’s house thing.)

9. We are Toastmaskers.
(Wordplay)

Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – September 7, 2016

Here is another Observational Humor monologue presented at the end of a meeting. We’ll tell you what was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was presented.

THE SET-UP. We will give you enough background to help you understand the jokes.
1. Andrei mentioned his mentor Winslow throughout his speech. But Winslow was not present at the meeting.

2. The emcee described the table-topics section as starters, prepared-speeches section as main course, and the evaluation section as dessert.

3. One of the table topics was “Tell a joke about your country.”

4. Shashi gave his icebreaker speech. He used his voice very well. He said that he wanted to serve the country by joining military, but his application was rejected because he had ear infection.

5. Mike said a joke. What’s the difference between a battery and marriage? Battery has a + side.

6. Scott said that in New Zealand the sheep population is more than human population.

7. Floris said that next week he’s giving a speech to 2000 nerds.

8. Irina said that when she was young, she wanted to attract a boy next house and dressed well. But she fell on shit and she couldn’t make an impression.

9. The Netherlands is flat. No mountain at all.

The Humor Monologue
1. Good evening Toastmasters and guests. Wait wait… Andrei is looking angrily at me. Ok, here we go. Good evening Toastmasters, guests, and Winslow.
(Call back to Andrei mentioning Winslow several times in his speech. Good opener.)

2. Starter is over. Main course is over. Dessert is over. Here’s the bill [hands the bill to emcee]
(Follows the pattern – Eat -> Pay. Being silly and charging the emcee for the imaginary food.)

3. If I tell a joke about the Netherlands, it will fall “flat”.
(Truth. The Netherlands is flat)

4. Shashi used his voice well. Everyone in this room could hear his voice well… except him… because he has ear infection.
(Exaggeration. His ear infection is minor. Exaggerated – what if he can’t hear anything at all)

5. Last year, I participated in the International Speech Contest. The judges didn’t select me, and rejected me… because I had tooth infection.
(Silly. Absurd. I initially planned to say “mouth” infection, but the word “tooth” sounded funnier to me.)

6. What’s the difference between a battery and marriage? A battery lasts longer than my marriage.
(Self deprecation. Huge laughter.)

7. Moreover, a battery never talks.
(Topper to the last joke. Again self deprecation. Best line of the monologue.)

8. Next week in Amsterdam, I’m giving a speech to 2000 nerds. The week after in New Zealand, a speech to 2000 sheep.
(Absurdity)

9. Irina, even with your dress full of shit, you looked beautiful.
(Drop into someone’s story. Compliment the audience.)

10. Like Shashi, even I wanted to do something good for my country India. I moved out.
(Break the audience expectations. Also self deprecation. The audience expected that I’d say something like army or air force etc, but I broke their expectations by saying a self deprecation line.)

11. Let me do something good for you… and move out of this place.
(Following the last joke’s pattern. Good closer.)

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