Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – May 13, 2015

Read the set-up below and then read the humor monologue.

THE SET-UP (What was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was delivered)

1. The host of the meeting asked the audience to clap until the speaker arrives at the stage, not to stop in the midway while he’s walking to the stage.

2. Pierre, a speaker, said, “I went on honeymoon [3 seconds pause] obviously with my wife.” (It got huge laughter)

3. Justina had sore throat and her voice was totally different.

4. In one month time, there is going to be election for officers of the club.

5. Richard said he didn’t know how to enjoy at a night club because he didn’t like it there and he could only pretend that he enjoyed.

6. Bogdan said he joined Toastmasters after reading Brian Tracy’s book (Brian suggested joining Toastmasters club). Bogdan, during his every speech, mentions at least once about Brian Tracy. Bogdan said that after joining Toastmasters, he was inspired by another TM Tobias and wanted to speak like him. Bogdan did his speech on influential speaker series.

7. Justina, Bogdan’s speech evaluator, said that Bogdan always maintains eye contact, always modulates his voice nicely, always influences audience with his speeches.

8. Rens explained about 2 ways of thinking. See picture below. He forgot his whole speech. He walked towards a desk where he kept his speech, see the next line, come to stage, deliver that line, then go back to notes, come back to stage. He kept repeating that.

thinking types

9.Normally the ‘Ah, um’ counter counts the filler words ah, um. Strangely he noted that a speaker used a new filler word ‘Um..kay’.

10. One guest told that it feels weird because we clap while welcoming a speaker to the stage and also clap after he finishes speaking.

The Humor Monologue

1. [The audience are clapping while I walk towards the stage] Well, keep clapping until I finish my speech.

2. [I start speaking this line in lady voice] Good evening ladies & gentle men. Bogdan wanted to speak like Tobias. And I… wanted to speak like Justina.

3. I nominate Justina for the officer role ‘Voice’ president.

4. How to have fun at night club? Just ask Justina. Last night, she had 16 beers and sang loudly together with all songs DJ played. Disclaimer: The next day, you can’t recognize your own voice.

5. I don’t go to night clubs because I am a morning person.

6. [In the thinking-modes picture that Rens drew, I drew a third thinking mode] Rens explained two modes of thinking. He missed the 3rd one.


8. Look at the above diagram again. The one on the right – that’s the number of audience when I begin my speech. The one on the left – the number of audience during my speech.

9. Bogdan always maintains eye contact; Bogdan always modulates his voice; Bogdan always mentions Brian Tracy a 1000 times.

10. Last week, I went on honeymoon… obviously alone. Well, I called someone else’s wife to join me. But I am not that influential.

11. According to comedians, ‘k’ is a funny sound. ‘Cat’ is funnier than ‘Dog’. Maybe that speaker wanted to be funny and changed all his filler words from ‘Ah’, ‘Um’ to ‘Ah..kay’, ‘Um..kay’.

12. Thank you. And if the guests don’t mind, please clap.

Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – April 29, 2015

Read the set-up below and then read the humor monologue.

THE SET-UP (What was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was delivered)

1. Only 10 members attended the meeting.

2. Winslow’s speech was about Uniqueness Quotient (UQ). He talked about IQ and EQ, then moved on to UQ.

3. Ruben, during his speech, asked for a volunteer. When Floris volunteered, Ruben asked Floris to stay outside of the meeting hall and come back when he calls.

4. When Floris came back, Ruben acted like he called Floris on phone – he made “tring tring” sound. Then Floris acted like he picked up his call and started talking. It was to demonstrate something.

5. Ruben wrote on the white board “1. Follow, 2. Lead”.

6. Rens said that good quotations are easy to remember.

7. Rens forgot his complete speech. He gave his whole speech by looking at his notes.

8. One of the table-topics was what’s your favorite color.

9. Most of the speakers talked over time even after crossing the red signal.

10. Marc said somebody snatched his phone and wallet in a subway, so he prefers not to go through subway. Never.

11. One of the table-topics was “What is the preferable number of hours to work in a week?”

The Humor Monologue

1. Good evening toastmaster-of-the-evening, fellow toastmasters, and guest. Wait.. that’s long way to address an audience of 9. I can address you by saying your name.

2. My speeches are unique. I begin my speeches by saying “Thank you. Good bye. Take care.”

3. I want 9 volunteers for my humor monologue. Can you all go out and come back when my monologue is over?

4. [points to “1” written on the board] That’s my IQ. [points to “2” written on the board] Well, that’s my family’s IQ.

5. I know a guy who works only 10 seconds a week. That’s the guy from the subway.

6. First he 1. Follows,then 2. Loots.

7. Good quotations are easy to remember. I think Rens chose all bad quotations.

8. When Ruben called Floris, his phone was ringing “tring tring”. Floris, the TME asked everyone to keep their mobiles in silent mode, no?

9. Today, Rens forgot his whole speech. What he should do is get out of our club… then join again. In short, “Re-member”.

10. Rens may have Alzheimer’s. Stage 1. He forgot his whole speech. Many of our club members have Alzheimer’s too. Stage 3. They forgot to come to the meeting.

11. Most of the speakers were speaking even after crossing red. I think red is their favorite color.

12. Hello everyone. That’s my unique way of closing a speech.

Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters Division Conference – April 11, 2015

Read the set-up below and then read the humor monologue.

THE SET-UP (What was said and what happened during the conference before the monologue was delivered)

1. The keynote speaker Winston Scholsberg gave an energetic speech about WES method, his own method for better speaking. He said he gave 6000 performances before he devised his method. [He is a great, extra-ordinary speaker, coach. Visit his website]

2. Winston asked us to put a smile on our face when we begin our speech because smile is for free.

3. To connect with the audience, Winston said this crazy phrase and asked the audience to repeat “Aey ding ding [audience repeat] shikiri ding ding [audience repeat] aey ding ding [audience repeat]”.. goes on like that. He also clapped and asked the audience to repeat “Clap [audience repeat] Clap clap [audience repeat] clap clap clap [audience repeat]” goes on like that.

4. Winston asked us to tell stories to children to become master story teller because if you can keep a child interested in your story, then you can keep anyone interested.

5. Winston was talking about doing taxes and asked us to not miss two zeroes by mistake while filing taxes.

6. One speaker said if you have stain on your shirt, make the whole shirt stainy so people can’t find the stain at all.

7. One speaker said he read so many self-help books on “How to become rich” and most of them suggest to repeat affirmations but it didn’t work for him even after trying for one year. At the end of one year, he won a lottery… for 5 euros.

8. One speaker told she wishes to be somebody else. She wishes to be cat.. or tree.. or whale. That same speaker told that she wants to have six-pack.

9. Winston asked us to keep telling our names. Because many of our names are unpronounceable and we may feel embarrassed. When we repeat telling our names, we feel good about ourselves. He asked us to be the champion of saying our own names. If it still doesn’t work, he asked us to change our name (jokingly said).

10. Dermot gave another guest speech. He made self-deprecating joke. “Winston’s speech was energetic. My speech is just average.” Dermot during his speech referred to the Netherlands as a country without hills or mountain (which is true).

11. Saby told that he works in a bank and it’s not so exciting job.

12. One speaker gave a big speech about time. Take your time. Use your time. Enjoy your time etc. She said the word ‘time’ a lot of times.

13. Andy was the contest master for evaluation contest. While announcing the speech rules regd. time, he messed it up. He said speakers have to speak between 2 and 3 minutes. Then he said, no it’s between 1.5 and 3 minutes. Then the audience corrected him that it’s between 1.5 and 3.5 minutes.

14. One speaker asked us to jump out of the box.

15. One speaker told once he was playing basket ball and his father was shouting from the audience “Take the shot from sizzy.”

The Humor Monologue

1. Good evening toastmasters, guests… cats, trees, whales.

2. Winston’s speech was energetic. Dermot’s speech was average. My speech is going to be below average.

3. My jokes are like the Netherlands. They fall ‘flat’.

4. Use your time wisely. Take a break now. And come back when my speech is over.

5. I wish to be somebody else too. Whenever I’m on stage, I desperately wish to be an audience.

6. Yey ding ding [audience repeat] Shikiri ding ding [audience repeat] Yey ding ding [audience repeat] shikiri ding ding [audience repeat] Yey ding ding [audience repeat] BALA is funny [audience didn’t repeat] COME ON. SAY THAT [huge laughter].

7. How I got rich? I steal. Okay. Let me not talk about that.

8. How I got funny? I pay the audience. The audience get paid by the number of laughs.

9. I have read dozens of books on “How to make the audience laugh”. All of them highlight this one specific technique – “Tell a joke”.

10. Winston advised to put a smile on your face at the beginning of your speech. But I never smile. It’s extremely hard for me to smile. The only way by which I can put a smile on my face is like this [I place a paper around my face in which a smiley is drawn] Hello ladies & gentlemen [I speak in mickey voice]

11. The bad news is this smile is not free. I paid 3 euros for the pen ad 10 cents for the paper. The good news is I won a lottery for 3 euros and 10 cents.

12. Jump out of the box… unless you are a boxer. In which case, stay inside the box.. and wait for your father to shout “Punch hard on the face of sizzy.”

13. Andy got the ‘time’ wrong. 1.5 or 2 or 3 minutes. After which, Ashley gave a whole big lecture on ‘time’.

14. Ashley said the word ‘time’ like a million times that she is now the World Champion of saying ‘time’.

15. How to be a great story-teller? Tell stories to children. Don’t have children? No worries. Just board a flight, and you will find a child at your back seat.

16. If you have stain on your shirt, make the whole shirt stainy? Okay. If you have a big big belly, don’t worry. All you have to do is grow other parts of the body to match with your belly.

17. I see many of you have stains on your shirt. And to cover that up, you are wearing suit.

18. Winston said to me, “While doing taxes, don’t miss two zeroes.” I was like, “What? What is tax?” He said, “Man, you’re in a BIG trouble.” I asked, “What should I do now?” He said, “To escape from the govt. change your name.”

19. I am funny. I devised “Bala’s method of being funny”. It’s called B.E.S. Do you know how many performances I did to make B.E.S? 6000 performances… while sleeping. This is the first time I’m performing when I’m awake, and many people are sleeping.

20. Saby said he works in a bank and it’s not so exciting. Well Saby, this Monday is gonna be exciting. I will meet you in the bank with a face mask.

21 *clap clap* [audience repeat] *clap clap* [audience repeat] *clap clap clap clap clap etc* [audience repeat] Thank you very much for clapping for my speech.


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