Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – January 11, 2016

Happy New Year 2017, folks. May this year be a fantastic year for you.

Here is another Observational Humor monologue presented at the end of a meeting. We’ll tell you what was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was presented.

THE SET-UP. We will give you enough background to help you understand the jokes.
1. Marcelina, the table topics master gave different objects to people and asked the speakers to talk about them. She took the objects out of an Albert Heijn (a famous Dutch chain of supermarket) bag.

2. One of the objects was “Women makeup kit”. Rens talked. He said that he appreciate the courage of women who don’t use make-up.

3. There were 3 Alex’s in the meeting.

4. Our club is growing. We have almost 35 to 40 members.

5. We had 6 guests. They were from Portugal, Italy, India, Romania, Netherlands.

6. The pub next door offered free cheese (leftovers) to us. But most of us didn’t eat that.

7. Shashi mistakenly said he listened to a music piece and stoned. But he actually wanted to say “mesmerized”. It became a running gag.

8. Word of the day was “Volatility” – transformation of liquid to gas.

9. Lupe gave a speech about Spanish people and their fear of public speaking, but they use the body language very well. She used too much statistics. Her speech evaluator said she added ‘e’ before anything that starts with ‘S’. e.g. eSpain, eSpaniard etc. Also she pronounced ‘audience’ as ‘ouudience’.

10. Next week, we’re having potluck dinner.

11. Our club has a new Whatsapp group.

The Humor Monologue
1. Good evening gentlemen, ladies… with makeup, and ladies without makeup.
(Rule of 3. Good opener. I paused after saying “ladies” to make it work.)

2. Alex (ah counter), you missed to count one ‘AH’ that that the table topics master used. She used an Albert Heijn bag.
(In the Netherlands, it’s quite common abbreviation AH. Everyone knows AH means Albert Heijn by default. This was a clever line and made them go wow.)

3. We have guests from Portugal, Italy, India, Romania. Spanish guests will join us next week, when we just have dinner, and no talking.
(Callback to Spanish people having fear of public speaking. Superiority theory – There were no Spanish people except Lupe in the audience.)

4. We have a new WhatsApp group. Kudos to all the women who have a profile picture without makeup.
(Callback to the makeup line. Good laughter.)

5. My wife and I always have arguments about using make-up. The arguments always end with “Okay, I will not use it anymore. I promise you, my darling wifey.”
(Break the audience assumption. They assume by default that it’s the woman who wears make-up. The last word of this joke breaks that assumption and let them rethink the whole sentence. Self deprecation.)

6. We have so many members in this club. It’s time we split the club in to two. One club with 20 members. And the other club with all the Alex’s.
(Best line of the monologue. The build up created tension and the punchline was at the very end, the very last word – Alex’s. Exaggeration. Create tension and release technique.)

7. Nobody touched the free cheese. No wonder it’s second week of the New Year… everyone having gym membership cards.
(Universal truth that people are motivated only in the beginning of the year to be motivated.)

8. May I suggest you a very good work out for tonight? After I say a joke, keep clapping. Work-out for your hands.
(I thought it was a good line since it is kind of silly suggestion, but the response was kind of ‘Meh’.)

9. And Spaniards, use your body, and roll on the floor, laughing.
(Topper. This one got decent laughter.)

10. Lupe, you are very good at estatistics. That’s Ouusome.
(Joke. Topper. Repeat one’s mistake. Both of them got good laughter.)

11. Word of the day is volatile, meaning “liquid to gas”. It is definitely not the word of the season. All the liquid is turning into ice.
(Geeky line. It’s kind of line that would make audience go wow it’s thinking from a different angle, but not make them laugh.)

12. Before announcing the winners, when we were drum rolling, Shashi was stoned.
(Great opportunity to call back the running gag. I was looking for a place at the meeting where we make music. Drum roll has the instrument name itself in the name. So it made sense to make use of this opportunity. Perfect closer.)

A look back at the year 2016

Looking back at the year 2016. Here are some of our best jokes.

2016-road

1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1. This is how he turned 43. Happy Birthday, Rahul Dravid.

Leonardo DiCaprio says he wants to play Russian President Vladimir Putin on screen.
Good thinking. HE WILL DECLARE WAR AND GET THAT EFFIN OSCAR.

Kohli can bat at night without lights, says Sunil Gavaskar.
Oh! So, Kohli can bat. And Kohli can be a bat.

Happy Birthday, Simbu. May you be… ep *beep* *beep* *beep*.

IRCTC ties up with OYO Rooms to provide budget accommodation options to train travelers. Nice! Every traveler will get room number 404.. Not Found.

On Amma’s 68th birthday, 68 medical camps set, 68 blood donation camps set, 68 transgenders honored. I’m surprised they haven’t printed 68-rupee note.

Everyone does not go to temple out of devotion, some go to steal slippers, says Kanhaiya Kumar. Well… I go to see the owners of the lady slippers.

Modi’s wax statue added at Madame Tussauds, London. Next year it’ll fly to Madame Tussauds branch in New York, then Bangkok, then Hong Kong…

“My father is Joseph. My mother is Joseph. My brother is Joseph.”
I was like, “Is it a Vijay movie? Or a Kamal movie?” #AllCharactersPlayedByOneActor”

Good news: Gatimaan Express, India’s fastest train, hits tracks today.
Bad news: You still have to book tickets through IRCTC.

Throughout the movie ‘Sachin – A Million Dreams’, Sachin will be a married man. Except between minutes 90 and 100. He’ll be single, single, single..

Salman Khan named ambassador of India’s Olympic contingent? Why? Do other countries’ top Olympians sleep on footpath?

Sania Mirza’s autobiography set to hit stands in July. I think the book won’t sell at all… unless it’s paired with the autobiography of Hingis.

Today is Mother’s Day as well as wife’s birthday. It’s the day of one who knows everything, and the one who NOs everything.

Happy Birthday, Comedy King Goundamani. I hope Senthil is getting the birthday bumps.

Venkatesh Prasad applies for Indian Cricket Team’s Head Coach post. He actually sent the application 6 years ago, but his “delivery is usually very slow”.

Ohh! They’re making a film on Manmohan Singh. The hero is definitely going to live the character. Why? Because all he has to do is – read a script and act like PM.

BCCI announces mini IPL for September. Shorter format. Shorter time window. Okay. How about shorter dresses for cheerleaders?

48 years ago, on this day, Arvind Kejriwal was born. As soon as he was born, his first words were, “Doctor, show me your MBBS certificate.”

Today is Raksha Bandhan, the day when sisters take brothers by the hand TO tie rakhi, and NOT TO steal remote control.

Kamal Haasan to get prestigious French honor. I’m sure he’s getting it for all his incredible, exceptional, magnificent, er… French kisses.

Anna Hazare biopic to hit the screens soon. I suppose there won’t be ice cream, popcorn, or any snack available during the interval.

Durex has launched a new brinjal flavored condom. Hmm! I guess when people buy these in bulk, they will ask for free a couple of coriander and curry leaves flavored condoms.

This new iPhone 7 should be called iPhhone 7. Why? Because it’s water resistant. H2O.

Baby born on Buraq Air flight gets lifetime of free flights. This is not fair at all! I was born in a hospital, AND I DIDN’T GET LIFETIME OF FREE TREATMENT.

A new study says men who have more sex are more likely to pray. Oh! I know why. Because women say “oh my God.. oh my God” while doing it.

No one can make a biopic on Kohli. One can only make a biomegaserial.
That many winning knocks!

Diwali spiritually signifies the victory of light over darkness, good over evil, you over your boss… in getting your leaves approved.

Arnab Goswami resigns from Times Now. Okay. So now, Times Now will just be T_m__ __w. Why? The *Noise* is gone.

Now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Arey! That’s why we should listen to our mom’s advice, “Before you put clothes into washing machine, check pockets.”

500 and 1000 rupee notes banned. How do NRIs look? Oh! So $7.5 notes and $15 notes are banned?

Well done, Mr. Trump. I’m sure you’ll bring change, especially because the Republican party symbol is Elephant. I’ve seen in temples that elephants have plenty of change.

RIP Mr. Cho. I’m sure you’ll be with us even after they burn your body… in air, as C + H + O

Dear Rajinikanth. Happy Birthday. May you bless God.

No liquor shops on National Highways from April 1, Supreme Court orders. Ok da. From now on, let’s just call them National Ways. Why? Because nobody will be *High*.

What was the best thing that happened in 2016?
Demonetization.
And how did we appreciate it?
Almost everyone of us, every day, gave “standing ovation”, in front of ATMs.

Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – December 14, 2016

Dear Readers,

This is our last observational humor of the year. Our next TM meeting is only in Jan 2017. Looking back, We’ve done 26 monologues this year… and 98 in total. Two more to reach that big milestone.

Here is the Observational Humor monologue that was presented at the end of tonight’s meeting. We’ll tell you what was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was presented.

THE SET-UP. We will give you enough background to help you understand the jokes.
1. The emcee asked “Who likes networking?” for which everyone raised hands.

2. One of the table-topics was “Whose life would you like to borrow?” for which the emcee said he would like to borrow Santa’s because he works only one day a year.

3. A speaker talked about a chess game that was won by computer named ‘Deep Blue’ against the champion Gary Kasparov.

4. Our meeting happened at a different place, at an office of one of the toastmasters. He arranged beer, wine, tea for everyone. Since it was a new place, we didn’t have the timer’s signal lights. The timer used his mobile to show green, yellow, and red lights.

5. One of the table-topics was “Who was your first crush?”

6. Chris gave a speech today. The last time he gave a speech was 3 years ago.

7. Chris’ speech was about small talk. He did strike a small talk with a stranger and said that he’s from Limburg and he doesn’t like that place. His speech evaluator said that he didn’t say hello to the stranger.

8. The table-topics master mentioned the lyrics of a romantic song “You look like a movie. You sound like a song”.

9. I was called on to talk on a table topic – “What if you were a Christmas present?” I gave a humorous speech with a funny twist. I took the literal meaning of “What if you were a Christmas present?” and presented myself as a present to a kid.

10. Alex said that 74% have fear of public speaking. He said that the main reason for the fear is 3 parts of the brain – old brain, mid brain, new brain. He said that google search on “Fear of public speaking” results in 19 million hits and the first page doesn’t talk about the reasons why we have the fear of public speaking.

11. Maha. the grammarian, while giving her report, said that she couldn’t read her own hand writing.

The Humor Monologue
1. [tries to read what’s on my paper… pauses for 3 seconds]
(Audience already started laughing, assuming that I was mimicking Maha.)
Oh sorry, this is your notes, Maha.
(A line that was not needed. The audience understood what my line was going to be from my act itself)

2. Everyone likes networking. Santa likes “not working”.
(Play on words. Good response.)

3. We didn’t have the timer’s signal lights. And Floris was kind enough to arrange drinks. The timer could’ve used “Green” tea, “Yellow” beer, “Red” wine.
(Good observation. Coming up with an innovative idea for signaling the time.)

4. I sang this song to my wife. [in a romantic voice] “You look like a movie… you sound like a song… why waste 50 bucks on the movie ticket?”
(Rule of three. Unexpected twist. Shift the focus. The focus was on the words “look like” – i.e. metaphor to describe her. Then the punchline shifts the focus to the word “You” and the audience realize that the actual stress was on the word “YOU”. YOU look like a movie.. YOU sound like a song… why waste 50 bucks on the ticket?

Some TMs, after the meeting was over, said to me that they are eager to meet my wife because they know a lot about her since I make jokes about her at every meeting. They asked if she knows that I make jokes about her and if she likes that. I’ve been doing marriage jokes ever since I got engaged almost at every TM meeting.)

5. I can’t win a chess game against a computer. If only I can make them drink alcohol. I know this technique works. If you don’t trust me, go ask those 3 kids against whom I won.
(Joke and a topper. Joke was mild self deprecation. And the topper was extreme self deprecation – i.e. I can win against kids too only by making them drunk.)

6. I don’t remember my first crush. But I remember… my 300th crush… after my wedding.
(Joke and a topper. 300th crush – exaggeration. And the topper “after the wedding” was extreme exaggeration that I keep having more crushes even after the wedding.)

7. For tonight, I would have liked to borrow table-topics master’s life. That way, I wouldn’t have been picked for a table topic.
(Self deprecation. General truth at Toastmasters – that people don’t like to be picked for speaking on a table topic.)

8. Chris last gave a speech 3 years ago. Looking forward to his next speech… in 2020.
(Exaggeration. And follow the formula – if x=y and y=z, then x=z. If Chris gave his last speech 3 years ago, then when will his next speech be? That’s Z.)

9. Chris actually said hello. He ended his sentence like this, “Limburg is hell”. And the stranger said, “Oh”. “Hell” “Oh”. “Hello”.
(Silly. Come up with silly ways to prove someone wrong and it’ll be funny. I wanted to prove Chris’ speech evaluator wrong and I came up with this silly idea. If the idea isn’t silly, it would sound so serious and it would sound like you’re taking revenge on that person for something he or she did.)

10. 74% have fear of public speaking. It used to be 78%. 4% died on stage.
(Truth. Best line of the monologue which got huge laughter.)

11. 19 million hits on Google for the search on “the fear of public speaking”. Seems nobody has the fear of public writing. 19 million people wrote about it.
(I thought the audience would understand when I end with “fear of public writing”, but they didn’t. So I had to add an extra line on the fly – 19 million people wrote about it. Decent response.)

12. I don’t know how I have the fear of public speaking. I don’t have any brain at all.
(Self deprecation. Absurdity. Since a speaker said that 3 parts of the brain are the reason for the fear of public speaking.)

13. If anyone would like to have me as a Christmas present, that would be 300 bucks please.
(When I started this line, huge laughter erupted because my actual table topic speech got huge laughter for the twist. So just recalling it was enough to get the laughter. I added 300 bucks to end the year 2016. Festive season starts…)

%d bloggers like this: