Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – July 22, 2015

Read the set-up below and then read the humor monologue.

THE SET-UP (What was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was delivered)

1. Word of the day was ‘Unexpected’.

2. Tobias, the president of our club, arrived 5 minutes late. He announced that from next week, one of the four entrances to the campus where we meet will be closed and we have to use the other car entrance.

3. The host introduced Chris as ‘lovely’ Chris.

4. Chris talked on a table topic, “What’s the most embarrassing moment of someone that you enjoyed a lot” for which he said that he’s not a person who laughs at others’ misfortunes.

5. Tobias asked all of us to upload our pics to our Toastmasters website so that when some of our friends (who are not toastmasters) visit the website, they will see a familiar face and be willing to join the club.

6. Bogdan said that at the top of Mt. Everest, only 30% oxygen is available. The amount of oxygen decreases as you go up.

7. Bogdan delivered a speech where he acted like a president of a company and he had to announce to everyone about the crisis his company is in. He said that he’s not going to fire his employees, but cut their salary by 10%.

8. One of the table topics was, “How do you react when someone tags you on pics on Facebook.” for which Floris said that just delete your Facebook account.

9. The host described the table-topics as starter, prepared speeches as main course, and the evaluations as dessert.

The Humor Monologue

[The host introduced me as the Observational Humor Master and invited me to the stage]
1. Oooh. That’s unexpected. I didn’t expect to be the Observational Humor Master.

2. I’m not prepared. I don’t have even one joke to say. I’m sure all of you are going to laugh at me… except ‘lovely’ Chris.

3.  The starter is over. The main course is over. The dessert in over. Now comes my speech… the napkin.

4. The president arrived late because he went to all 4 entrances to check whether they’re open.

5. Our company is in crisis. To increase the revenue, we’re not going to fire you; we’re not going to cut your salary; we’re just going to delete your Facebook accounts.

6. I posted my picture on EasySpeak (Toastmasters website). Some of my friends visited the website, recognized me, and said, “Hey, that’s Bala. We should definitely NOT join that club.”

7. Now I know why companies can’t fire employees when they are at the top, but fire when they’re down. Because to fire *anything* you need oxygen.

8. I wish you all a lovely evening.

Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – June 24, 2015

Read the set-up below and then read the humor monologue.

THE SET-UP (What was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was delivered)

1. Tobias, our club’s new president, came to the meeting wearing a wig (to support his funny speech).

2. When Tobias gave his speech, James was standing to relax his back. Tobias during his speech said that when he went to France, he bought so many fishes in a restaurant. Then he took pictures of all of them arranged in a plate.

3. Wilhelm, one of the evaluators, said that when you speak, keep your hands at waist level and imagine that you’re holding a pizza (for good posture).

4. The ah counter said that I used too many so’s during my role as Toastmaster-of-the-evening.

5. Justina, the general evaluator, said that all 4 speeches were solid and it’s been a long time since we had 4 solid speeches. She also said that the evaluators used the sandwich method. i.e. what’s good; what’s bad; and what’s good.

6. Jitske told a story in which lion goes to a rabbit; asks who’s the king of the jungle to show its power. Rabbit says, “You”. Then the lion goes to a deer and asks who’s the king of the jungle. Deer says, “You”. Then it goes to an elephant and asks who’s the king of the jungle. The elephant lifts the lion with its trunk, throws far far away, then runs over the lion. For which the lion says, “If you don’t know the answer, you could say that, right?”

7. Rubin said that if you want to call for action, don’t just say it, but disguise it. For e.g. if you want people to keep their house clean, instead of saying “Keep your house clean”, say “It’s not really important to [pause] keep your house clean [pause] NOW.” and look in their eye.

8. Tobias’ speech topic was caffeine seduction. He drew chemical formula of caffeine drug. It looked like two eyes. Then another member added a small mouth. Another member made it as a big mouth. Then another member drew an ear. It kept on going. See the pic below.

Caffeine drug picture

The Humor Monologue
1. Good evening toastmasters, guests, and the baby that’s growing
[pointing to the above pic]

2. I want you all to drink a cup of coffee. That’s the only way by which I can keep you awake when I speak.

3. It is not really important to… laugh at my jokes… NOW.

4. If you give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. If you give him many, he’ll take pics.

5. James was standing for 20 mins when Tobias was talking. Maybe before Tobias started speaking, he asked James in a commanding voice “WHO IS THE PRESIDENT OF THIS CLUB”. (Joke based on “People stand to give respect”)

6. Tobias, our new president, asked us what improvement we would like to see at our club. We said, “More women”. He started the initiative by wearing a lady wig.

7. Tobias has 3 kids. He went to the first kid and asked, “Who is the boss of this house?” “You,” she said. He went to the second kid and asked, “Who is the boss of this house?” “You,” she said. He went to his wife and asked “Who is the boss of this house?” Three days later, Tobias was found in America, lying unconscious in a beach together with lions.

8. It’s been a long time we had 4 solid speeches. It’s because I used to be one of the four speakers.

9. When you speak, you use pizza. And when you evaluate, you use sandwich.

10. Thank you so much. Ah wait, sorry… thank you much.

Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – June 10, 2015

Read the set-up below and then read the humor monologue.

THE SET-UP (What was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was delivered)

1. Sri, during her speech, told that Eindhoven, the city where we live, is a city of nerds. The percentage of smart people in 2011 was 22%, she said.

2. Winshow, the host, called the guests as pre-members since at the end of this meeting they will be very much willing to join our club.

3. Winslow himself explained the supporting roles–ah counter, timer, grammarian etc– instead of asking the people who performed those roles to explain.

4. Justina talked about the importance of your voice and she asked us to give it rest whenever we can.

5. Rens said that if a tough guy touches your shoulder and intimidates you, do these 4 steps (he explained those steps).

6. This was the first meeting we recorded speeches. Every speaker accepted to record their speech except Justina. I performed the video-master role (to record speeches). I also performed timer role (to signal green, amber, red).

7. All the girls were sitting on the right-side of the hall.

8. Rubin’s table-topic was “How to keep memories of your holiday”. He talked brilliantly, but the grammarian pointed out that Rubin repeated most his words twice.

The Humor Monologue:
Video is available below. The first line of my monologue is not in this video. Watch the video, and also do read the lines below.

1. Good evening Toastmastnerds, membnerds, and pre-membnerds.

2. Next 2 minutes, until the end of this monologue, I’m going to give my voice rest.

3. Winslow gave an inspirational speech to make the pre-members as members. Now my speech is going to make all the members as past members.

4. When a tough guy touches my shoulder, do you know what I do? I use the technique I employ during the Toastmasters meetings. I start giving a speech and he’ll be asleep in 30 seconds.

5. Winslow, the toastmaster of the evening, explained all supporting roles, like ah counter, grammarian, timer all by himself. Then I was getting ready to hear 4 prepared-speeches and 4 evaluations from him.

6. In 2011, the percentage of smart people in Eindhoven was 22%. It dropped when I moved in.

7. Justina requested me to not record her speech because she has not put on make-up.

8. In any argument, girls are always right. Today, at this meeting too, they are right. [points to all the girls who were sitting on the right side]

9. Rubin’s speech was “How to keep memories of your holiday?” But he really worked hard on making us keep memories of his speech. He repeated everything twice.

10. Today, I had the camera and the lights. If you went over-speed or crossed when it was red, you would’ve got a ticket.


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