Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters Division Conference – April 11, 2015

Read the set-up below and then read the humor monologue.

THE SET-UP (What was said and what happened during the conference before the monologue was delivered)

1. The keynote speaker Winston Scholsberg gave an energetic speech about WES method, his own method for better speaking. He said he gave 6000 performances before he devised his method. [He is a great, extra-ordinary speaker, coach. Visit his website]

2. Winston asked us to put a smile on our face when we begin our speech because smile is for free.

3. To connect with the audience, Winston said this crazy phrase and asked the audience to repeat “Aey ding ding [audience repeat] shikiri ding ding [audience repeat] aey ding ding [audience repeat]”.. goes on like that. He also clapped and asked the audience to repeat “Clap [audience repeat] Clap clap [audience repeat] clap clap clap [audience repeat]” goes on like that.

4. Winston asked us to tell stories to children to become master story teller because if you can keep a child interested in your story, then you can keep anyone interested.

5. Winston was talking about doing taxes and asked us to not miss two zeroes by mistake while filing taxes.

6. One speaker said if you have stain on your shirt, make the whole shirt stainy so people can’t find the stain at all.

7. One speaker said he read so many self-help books on “How to become rich” and most of them suggest to repeat affirmations but it didn’t work for him even after trying for one year. At the end of one year, he won a lottery… for 5 euros.

8. One speaker told she wishes to be somebody else. She wishes to be cat.. or tree.. or whale. That same speaker told that she wants to have six-pack.

9. Winston asked us to keep telling our names. Because many of our names are unpronounceable and we may feel embarrassed. When we repeat telling our names, we feel good about ourselves. He asked us to be the champion of saying our own names. If it still doesn’t work, he asked us to change our name (jokingly said).

10. Dermot gave another guest speech. He made self-deprecating joke. “Winston’s speech was energetic. My speech is just average.” Dermot during his speech referred to the Netherlands as a country without hills or mountain (which is true).

11. Saby told that he works in a bank and it’s not so exciting job.

12. One speaker gave a big speech about time. Take your time. Use your time. Enjoy your time etc. She said the word ‘time’ a lot of times.

13. Andy was the contest master for evaluation contest. While announcing the speech rules regd. time, he messed it up. He said speakers have to speak between 2 and 3 minutes. Then he said, no it’s between 1.5 and 3 minutes. Then the audience corrected him that it’s between 1.5 and 3.5 minutes.

14. One speaker asked us to jump out of the box.

15. One speaker told once he was playing basket ball and his father was shouting from the audience “Take the shot from sizzy.”

The Humor Monologue

1. Good evening toastmasters, guests… cats, trees, whales.

2. Winston’s speech was energetic. Dermot’s speech was average. My speech is going to be below average.

3. My jokes are like the Netherlands. They fall ‘flat’.

4. Use your time wisely. Take a break now. And come back when my speech is over.

5. I wish to be somebody else too. Whenever I’m on stage, I desperately wish to be an audience.

6. Yey ding ding [audience repeat] Shikiri ding ding [audience repeat] Yey ding ding [audience repeat] shikiri ding ding [audience repeat] Yey ding ding [audience repeat] BALA is funny [audience didn’t repeat] COME ON. SAY THAT [huge laughter].

7. How I got rich? I steal. Okay. Let me not talk about that.

8. How I got funny? I pay the audience. The audience get paid by the number of laughs.

9. I have read dozens of books on “How to make the audience laugh”. All of them highlight this one specific technique – “Tell a joke”.

10. Winston advised to put a smile on your face at the beginning of your speech. But I never smile. It’s extremely hard for me to smile. The only way by which I can put a smile on my face is like this [I place a paper around my face in which a smiley is drawn] Hello ladies & gentlemen [I speak in mickey voice]

11. The bad news is this smile is not free. I paid 3 euros for the pen ad 10 cents for the paper. The good news is I won a lottery for 3 euros and 10 cents.

12. Jump out of the box… unless you are a boxer. In which case, stay inside the box.. and wait for your father to shout “Punch hard on the face of sizzy.”

13. Andy got the ‘time’ wrong. 1.5 or 2 or 3 minutes. After which, Ashley gave a whole big lecture on ‘time’.

14. Ashley said the word ‘time’ like a million times that she is now the World Champion of saying ‘time’.

15. How to be a great story-teller? Tell stories to children. Don’t have children? No worries. Just board a flight, and you will find a child at your back seat.

16. If you have stain on your shirt, make the whole shirt stainy? Okay. If you have a big big belly, don’t worry. All you have to do is grow other parts of the body to match with your belly.

17. I see many of you have stains on your shirt. And to cover that up, you are wearing suit.

18. Winston said to me, “While doing taxes, don’t miss two zeroes.” I was like, “What? What is tax?” He said, “Man, you’re in a BIG trouble.” I asked, “What should I do now?” He said, “To escape from the govt. change your name.”

19. I am funny. I devised “Bala’s method of being funny”. It’s called B.E.S. Do you know how many performances I did to make B.E.S? 6000 performances… while sleeping. This is the first time I’m performing when I’m awake, and many people are sleeping.

20. Saby said he works in a bank and it’s not so exciting. Well Saby, this Monday is gonna be exciting. I will meet you in the bank with a face mask.

21 *clap clap* [audience repeat] *clap clap* [audience repeat] *clap clap clap clap clap etc* [audience repeat] Thank you very much for clapping for my speech.

Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – April 1, 2015

Read the set-up below and then read the humor monologue.

THE SET-UP (What was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was delivered)

1. No guest was present at the meeting. Normally, at least one guest would be present. But today, no guests.

2. Floris started his speech with “This summer on CBS7..”

3. Inna gave a speech on “Essentialism”. She asked us to remove unwanted things from our life and keep only the essential. e.g. throw away all your unwanted dresses and keep it minimal. Her speech went 2 minutes over time.

4. Inna drew an E on board, put multiple arrows going outside from E, and said, it’s a person concentrating on multiple things. She drew another E with only one arrow going outside, and said it’s focused on one thing.

5. Word of the day was ‘Bamboozled’. Grammarian was supposed to count how many times people use this word. Floris used it half time. He said ‘Bamboo’.

6. Winslow said he is 52. He gave his first speech. He said he truly truly truly sucks at public speaking.

7. Tobias suggested a new theme to our club: “Speak less”. He asked people to speak less and communicate more through body and silence.

8. The host of the evening, Jitske, forgot to ask the audience to write feedback to all speakers. Normally, there would be 2 minutes gap between each speech during which audience write feedback to speakers.

9. The grammarian said that Wilhelm wrongly said “Andre is back for a long time” instead of “back after a long time”. She also said that Inna pronounced pleasant as pleesant.

10. Lately, weather in the Netherlands is very bad. 50km/hr wind, rain, temperature drop etc. This is not usual for this period of year.

The Humor Monologue

1. Good evening Toastmaster-of-the-evening, fellow toastmasters, and 17 guests who subscribed for the meeting and played April Fool prank.

2. Andre, thanks for being back for a long time.

3. This summer on CBS7. Oh wait.. that’s an April Fool’s joke. Look at the weather. No summer this year.

4. When Inna was giving her speech, everybody was tensed and started biting their nails… already getting rid of unwanted. Essentialism.

5. *points to E with multiple arrows* This is E before marriage. *points to E with single arrow* And this is E after marriage.

6. Essentialism. Inna, I was really inspired. Especially when you talked 2 minutes over time. Essentialism (In sarcastic tone).

7. Let’s all booze… Don’t get shocked. That’s half of ‘bamboozled’.

8. I’m really proud I’ve achieved at the age of 28 what Winslow achieved at 52. Sucking at public speaking. Truly truly truly sucking at public speaking.

9. There is a rule. To overcome fear of public speaking, imagine the audience to be naked. Basically, throw away their unwanted dresses. Essentialism.

10. Another tip to improve your public speaking skill. Before you start speaking, sip some water. At the end of 7th minute, spit it. Yes, speak less.

11. From next meeting, we want you all to speak less. So, all you men, bring your wife with you.

12. Jitske, you’re out of this club. You’re against our club’s theme – speak less. You tried to remove the part of the meeting when audience speak less. i.e. feedback time.

13. Thank you all. Have a pleesant evening.

Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – March 18, 2015

Read the set-up below and then read the humor monologue.

THE SET-UP (What was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was delivered)

1. One of the tabletopics was “What’s the worst movie you’ve ever seen. And convince the audience to watch it.” Bart talked. He said “Scary movie” is the worst. He said, a girl walks topless in the movie. That’s one good point to watch it. Then he corrected himself, “Wait.. that’s 2 good points”. (You know what he meant)

2. One of the table topics was “Act like a frog and convince a princess to kiss it”. Floris was talking. At that time Jitske entered the meeting room (she was late) and he described her as princess.

3. Rubin talked about building websites. He said, “Less is more”. He finished his speech in 9.5 minutes. That’s 3 minutes overtime.

4. Richard said he built a website for someone and he got that person’s car for free in return.

5. Richard said, “To succeed in life, don’t always enjoy pleasure. Take some bad things too. Like, if you eat broccoli a lot and avoid chocolates, you’ll be healthy and successful.”

6. Justina’s speech topic was “Conduct yourself”. She asked everyone to stand in front of mirror and act like the music conductor and practice our speeches. She said it’d help develop body language and express freely.

7. Wilhelm evaluated Rubin’s speech. He said that Rubin moved his hands a lot. While going back to his seat, Wilhelm forgot to shake hands with the general evaluator.

8. Richard’s speech evaluator said that it’s have been nice if he had also given personal definition of success.

The Humor Monologue

1. I’m going to give the worst speech you’d have ever heard. I can’t convince you to listen to it because I don’t even have “ONE” good point.

2. The frog was trying to kiss a dead princess?? Because the princess was “late”.

3. Less is more? Ok. Rubin, who said this, talked 3 minutes more than allocated time.

4. Hey Richard, the website you built for me crashed. To be fair, go drive the car I gave you… and crash.

5. Don’t forget to eat broccoli before you drive. So that you’ll be successful in crashing.

6. I stood in front of a mirror and I was conducting myself. Then the queue started getting longer in the office toilet.

7. Wilhelm follows what he preaches. He asked Rubin not to shake his hands. And Wilhelm didn’t shake hands with Tobias.

8. My personal definition of success. Never go to stage.


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