Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – February 15, 2016

Here is another Observational Humor monologue presented at the end of a meeting. We’ll tell you what was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was presented.

THE SET-UP. We will give you enough background to help you understand the jokes.
1. One speaker said, “Store energy in summer and use in winter.”

2. Justina, our club president, gave an educational session on evaluation. She asked us to evaluate the speech and not the person, and not to keep telling the same negative point again and again, and to give some encouragement. She left before the meeting was over.

3. All table topics were about ship wreck. For one tabletopic, 3 people were called, they were assigned nurse, chef, soldier roles. The question was only one of them can survive and why it should be them.

4. Shripad gave icebreaker speech. He said he’s Leonardo Da Vinci. He said we would know why that is so as the speech progresses. Later we found out that he’s interested in art and science. His daughter inherited the art trait and his son, the science trait he said.

5. Shripad also talked about his profession. He was a technical guy, then later on he got the opportunity to become a project manager. He got good visibility as project manager but then he didn’t like the job. At that time he watched a Bollywood movie named “3 idiots” whose theme is – If you follow your passion, success will follow you. So, he quit his job as project manager and again became a technical guy.

6. One speaker asked us to meditate and said it’s good.

The Humor Monologue
1. I am Bill Gates. You’ll know why as my speech progresses.
(Not a joke. But a buildup and will keep the tension going until the end.)

2. The ship in which I sailed wrecked. The good news is that my wife deserted in a different island.
(I usually make wife jokes. And this one perfectly fit the place. Very good laughter.)

3. The bad news is that someone rescued me and took me to my wife.
(Continuation of the bad, good. Okish joke)

4. Moreover I wrote on the island in big font – DONT HELP.
(Visual joke. I first wrote HELP on the white board. Then I added DONT in front. That maximized the laughter. If I had written DONT first, it wouldn’t have had the same effect. Very huge laughter.)

5. If some one wrecks, it would be “Long time no see.” Or “Long time, sea”.
(Word play. I had to write it on the whiteboard for this joke to work.)

6. I want to evaluate Justina’s speech. She’s short. She is Lithuanian. She has a bad voice. A dying person will have a better voice. Donald Trump has a much better voice. She doesn’t have the courage to listen to my evaluation. She left.
(Do something that someone asks you not to do. Justina asked us to evaluate the speech and not the person. Also she asked us not to repeat a negative point.)

7. Some encouragement to justina. She didn’t use much makeup today.
(Looks like encouragement. But still sarcasm.)

8. Okay. Enough evaluating Justina’s speech.
(Huge laughter. I was not actually evaluating her speech. But saying that I was evaluating her speech is funny.)

9. Nurse, soldier, chef – 3 idiots.
(Linking 3 idiots movie to the 3 roles.)

10. I store all my jokes in summer and use them in winter.
(Adapting energy saving to Observational Humor Monologue theme.)

11. My traits will run in my family. My daughter will become a procrastinator. And my son will become a thief.
(Self deprecation.)

12. Being a thief is much better than being a project manager.
(Exaggeration. Best line of the monologue.)

13. I told my son, “Hey son, if you follow your passion, I don’t know if success will follow you or not. But definitely the police will.”
(Another very good line. Unexpected punchline.)

14. Meditation is good. You all should meditate. That will make my son’s job easier.
(Rule of three. First 2 were about good things about meditation. The third one is also a good thing – but a good thing for me.)

15. I simply steal people’s money through Windows. Now you know why I am Bill Gates.
(Bookmark ending. The punchline was revealed after 13 lines.)

Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – January 25, 2016

Here is another Observational Humor monologue presented at the end of a meeting. We’ll tell you what was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was presented.

THE SET-UP. We will give you enough background to help you understand the jokes.
1. The theme of the meeting was “Think and act responsibly”.

2. Grammarian said that Justina wrongly pronounced the word ‘beloved’ as ‘be-loved’ instead of ‘belo-ved’.

3. Rohit, a member, attended our meeting after 2 years.

4. Mike manages our club’s mailbox. He said that he is a responsible person and checks emails every day to see if any there’s any email from guests who are interested in attending our meetings. He said that he would get disappointed if there was no email from any guest.

5. The bartender (from the bar next door) usually knocks our meeting door and says “I’m leaving”.

6. Mike told a story where a wolf eats grand ma and then dresses up like grand ma to deceive the grand daughter and eat her too. The wolf would ask the grand daughter to take off her clothes and come to bed. Then the little girl would become suspicious, throw her dresses on fire and run away from the house.

7. Rohit said that he was very comfortable 20 yrs ago where he would get pepsi, coke delivered to his home for free.

8. One of the table topics speaker said that her grandfather was the only doctor in his village. Even when he had cancer, he would be responsible and visit every patient’s home.

9. The emcee printed lots of things. He printed evaluation sheet for each speaker, each evaluator, and table-topics speaker and distributed to everyone. We had to fill in a lot.

10. The timer forgot to signal the lights green, orange, red. The light was never switch on for any speaker.

11. One of the table topics was “Who’s your teacher for responsibility?”

The Humor Monologue
1. Dear Toastmasters, guests, and especially our be-loved Justina.
(Simple callback. Rule of three. Good opening line.)

2. Today we did more writing than speaking.
(Truth. Writing a lot in a speaking club is irony.)

3. Shashi (the emcee), think and act responsibly. Save paper and save trees.
(Irony. He chose the theme “Think and act responsible” but he wasn’t acting responsible to the environment.)

4. Rohit was responsible. He saved 50 papers by not attending 50 meetings. Now he has again become responsible. Rohit, GO AWAY!
(Silly logic. Sarcasm.)

5. We have a responsible timer. By not switching on the lights, she saved energy.
(Again sarcasm.)

6. I talk with Mike every morning. The hardest part is I have to create fake email accounts.
(Implied punchline. That to make Mike not get disappointed, I created fake email accounts and send him an email as a guest.)

7. One day, I emailed him, “I HAD work, but not any more. Can I visit your club? By the way, I’m Barrack Obama.” THEN he became suspicious.
(Linking “becoming suspicious” from the story to this.)

8. What a responsible bartender. Every time he knocks the door and says, “I’m leaving”.
(Truth. The audience could relate to that.)

9. On days when he doesn’t knock, I become suspicious. I throw my clothes in fire and start running away.
(Paints a funny picture.)

10. I’m very comfortable at home. Because of free coke delivery. Yes I know lots of drug dealers.
(Play on the word ‘coke’)

11. My grandfather was the only doctor in my village. At least, he was the only one with a fake doctor degree.
(Self-deprecation. i.e. deprecating my own family.)

12. My grandfather is my teacher for responsibility. I have a fake engineer’s degree.
(Self deprecation)

Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – January 11, 2016

Happy New Year 2017, folks. May this year be a fantastic year for you.

Here is another Observational Humor monologue presented at the end of a meeting. We’ll tell you what was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was presented.

THE SET-UP. We will give you enough background to help you understand the jokes.
1. Marcelina, the table topics master gave different objects to people and asked the speakers to talk about them. She took the objects out of an Albert Heijn (a famous Dutch chain of supermarket) bag.

2. One of the objects was “Women makeup kit”. Rens talked. He said that he appreciate the courage of women who don’t use make-up.

3. There were 3 Alex’s in the meeting.

4. Our club is growing. We have almost 35 to 40 members.

5. We had 6 guests. They were from Portugal, Italy, India, Romania, Netherlands.

6. The pub next door offered free cheese (leftovers) to us. But most of us didn’t eat that.

7. Shashi mistakenly said he listened to a music piece and stoned. But he actually wanted to say “mesmerized”. It became a running gag.

8. Word of the day was “Volatility” – transformation of liquid to gas.

9. Lupe gave a speech about Spanish people and their fear of public speaking, but they use the body language very well. She used too much statistics. Her speech evaluator said she added ‘e’ before anything that starts with ‘S’. e.g. eSpain, eSpaniard etc. Also she pronounced ‘audience’ as ‘ouudience’.

10. Next week, we’re having potluck dinner.

11. Our club has a new Whatsapp group.

The Humor Monologue
1. Good evening gentlemen, ladies… with makeup, and ladies without makeup.
(Rule of 3. Good opener. I paused after saying “ladies” to make it work.)

2. Alex (ah counter), you missed to count one ‘AH’ that that the table topics master used. She used an Albert Heijn bag.
(In the Netherlands, it’s quite common abbreviation AH. Everyone knows AH means Albert Heijn by default. This was a clever line and made them go wow.)

3. We have guests from Portugal, Italy, India, Romania. Spanish guests will join us next week, when we just have dinner, and no talking.
(Callback to Spanish people having fear of public speaking. Superiority theory – There were no Spanish people except Lupe in the audience.)

4. We have a new WhatsApp group. Kudos to all the women who have a profile picture without makeup.
(Callback to the makeup line. Good laughter.)

5. My wife and I always have arguments about using make-up. The arguments always end with “Okay, I will not use it anymore. I promise you, my darling wifey.”
(Break the audience assumption. They assume by default that it’s the woman who wears make-up. The last word of this joke breaks that assumption and let them rethink the whole sentence. Self deprecation.)

6. We have so many members in this club. It’s time we split the club in to two. One club with 20 members. And the other club with all the Alex’s.
(Best line of the monologue. The build up created tension and the punchline was at the very end, the very last word – Alex’s. Exaggeration. Create tension and release technique.)

7. Nobody touched the free cheese. No wonder it’s second week of the New Year… everyone having gym membership cards.
(Universal truth that people are motivated only in the beginning of the year to be motivated.)

8. May I suggest you a very good work out for tonight? After I say a joke, keep clapping. Work-out for your hands.
(I thought it was a good line since it is kind of silly suggestion, but the response was kind of ‘Meh’.)

9. And Spaniards, use your body, and roll on the floor, laughing.
(Topper. This one got decent laughter.)

10. Lupe, you are very good at estatistics. That’s Ouusome.
(Joke. Topper. Repeat one’s mistake. Both of them got good laughter.)

11. Word of the day is volatile, meaning “liquid to gas”. It is definitely not the word of the season. All the liquid is turning into ice.
(Geeky line. It’s kind of line that would make audience go wow it’s thinking from a different angle, but not make them laugh.)

12. Before announcing the winners, when we were drum rolling, Shashi was stoned.
(Great opportunity to call back the running gag. I was looking for a place at the meeting where we make music. Drum roll has the instrument name itself in the name. So it made sense to make use of this opportunity. Perfect closer.)

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