Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – February 7, 2018

Here is another Observational Humor monologue presented at the end of a meeting. We’ll tell you what was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was presented.

THE SET-UP. We will give you enough background to help you understand the jokes.
1. The word of the day was ‘Zealot’ meaning fanatic about something. e.g. Zealot speaker = someone who is fanatic about speaking.

2. Emcee was late to the meeting.

3. One of the table topics speakers was talking about experiment about getting back things from space to earth.

4. Free food was available during the break.

5. Floris said that the best way to talk is Face to Face. He asked to avoid socialmedia chats.

6. One of the table topics was “What kind of car do you like?”

7. Herman’s speech was “You are what you eat”. He said that apricot kernels are poisonous. He suggested cooking with coconut oil as an alternative to butter.

8. Mike gave a demo on using our TM Club website. The speech went over time – 36 mins in total. In the first page of our website he showed pics of the board members and in the second page he showed a group pic of all club members wearing masks.

9. Mike finished his speech by showing a slide having an angry kid pic with caption “Any questions?”

10. Two speakers mentioned that I have grown fluffy beard. It became sort of like running gag.

The Humor Monologue
1. Dear Toastmasters, guests, and free-food zealots.
(Using the word of the day and rule of three.)

2. Sorry that the emcee was late tonight. We had a hard time bringing her back from space.
(First line got good laughter – i.e. I am asking sorry for her being late. It was like deprecating the emcee. It triggers the superiority theory in the audience. The topper paints a funny picture.)

3. I am always free. Because you are what you eat. I eat FREE food.
(Self deprecation. Wordplay)

4. Floris said that the best way to talk is Face to Face. But I prefer Facebook to Facebook.

5. What kind of car do I like? The one that has no kids in the backseat… and wife in the next seat.
(Universal humor. i.e. it’s hard to manage the kids in the backseat. The topper is again universal humor. i.e. disturbing-wife when you’re driving)

6. Don’t eat anything that’s poisonous. I don’t eat anything that my wife cooks. I tell her, “Better give me apricot kernels.”
(One of the best lines of the monologue. My usual wife roast joke. The topper got more laughter. Apricot Kernel itself is funny-sounding.)

7. Obviously cooking with crude oil gives fluffy beard. Good that my wife is not here.
(Another best line. Used the listing technique. The speaker suggested coconut oil for cooking. I listed all possible things in oil and came up with an absurd thing that is funny to use for cooking. I chose crude. Crude is also funny-sounding. The topper got the best laughter of the evening. Two reasons:
1. Implicit punchline.
2. It paints a funny picture – my wife with beard.)

8. Mike showed on our TM website in the first page the beautiful board members. In the second page, ugly club members. That’s why we were wearing masks.
(Self-deprecation. Here self = club. Technique = giving a new definition. I was thinking why we could be wearing a mask? I came up with the self-deprecating punchline ‘ugly’.)

9. Mike’s speech on using our TM Club website was too long. He could’ve shorten it by showing us first how to log out.
(Snarky remark. Absurdity – if he had logged out, it would’ve shorten the time, but there would’ve been no demo at all.)

10. Any questions? Better ask Mike.
(Callback to Mike using an angry kid pic for closing questions)

Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – January 10, 2018

This is my first monologue of this year. It’s been almost 4 months since I delivered a monologue, because of my long vacation in India, then the holiday season in December, and finally at the first Toastmasters meeting of this year, delivered one.
We’ll tell you what was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was presented.

THE SET-UP. We will give you enough background to help you understand the jokes.
1. There were 8 guests at the meeting, the highest ever.

2. One of the guests was from Bali, Indonesia. She said that during Indonesian New Year (in March), there would be no power supply, hence no mobile phones, no TV, no internet. Also they would fast the whole day.

3. One of the speakers talked about the progression from 1G to 5G in mobile phones. He was initially nervous, but later on gained confidence. His speech evaluator said that he could’ve made a strong opening like “Do you know there are many phones than the number of people using it?”

4. Maha was the stop-word counter.

5. The emcee of the meeting had to stand during the whole meeting because we had less number of chairs.

6. One of the table-topics was given to a guest named Gabriela. The topic was “Do you believe in God?”

7. One of the table-topics was “If you can go sky high, what would you like to do?”

8. The emcee of the meeting said that nobody is perfect, everybody is here to learn.

9. The emcee said that in Romania, on the New Year’s Day, they wear yellow underwear for good luck, red for love, and white for peace.

10. One of the speakers told that you’re never tool old to do something.

11. One of the speakers used a catchy word “resounding”, which grabbed everyone’s attention

12. Word of the day was “Ambassador”.

The Humor Monologue
1. I want to make a “RESOUNDING” opening. How about this? Do you know that today we have more guests with mobile phones than members with mobile phones?
(Usage of the word “resounding” to grab everyone’s attention. Implied punchline that the number of guests were more than the members)

2. In the past, we would have just one guest, then 2 guests, then 3, today 8 guests. Nice progression from 1G to 8G.
(Adapted the speech theme of progressing from 1G to 5G to use it for the G word Guest)

3. I have a friend whose first name is “Bas” and last name is “Hodor”. He would always introduce himself as “I’m Bas Hodor” “I’m Bas Hodor”.
(Word play on the word-of-the-day Ambassador. Hodor is actually a name of character from The Game of Thrones. I just happened to remember that and made word play out of it)

4. Look at the irony. The ah-ha counter has ah-ha in her name. Maha.
(Irony is mostly funny. Good observation.)

5. Another irony. The chair of the meeting doesn’t have a chair.
(Wordplay. And another good observation.)

6. When the table-topics master called Gabrielle to speak on the topic “Do you believe in God?”, she was like “OH MY GOD!”
(Very good response. Linking one’s fear of public speaking with the table-topic itself.)

7. My New Year resolution is to “stop drinking” unless you’re getting the beer for free.
(Self deprecation. Cheap)

8. If I can go sky high, I would like to stay there… far far away from my wife.
(My usual wife roast)

9. Dinil started his speech at 1G speed and finished his speech in a bang at 5G speed.
(Used his speech topic as his speech evaluation)

10. Sashi, you said that nobody is perfect. I would like to kindly remind you “I AM PERFECT”.
(Opposite of self deprecation. It’s kind of mild arrogance. Adding the word “kindly” in front of the punchline to make it sound like it’s not arrogant, but joke. It also hides the punchline coming.)

11. In Bali, no TV, no internet, no mobile phones on New Years Day. It doesn’t sound like a New Year. It sounds like going back to Old Year 1860.
(Observation that not using any device doesn’t sound like New Year, rather very old age)

12. In Bali, they fast on the New Year’s Day. Even I fast on Jan 1. And on Jan 2, I start eating, and say to myself, “Forget it. I’m not losing weight this year too.”
(Implied punchline that my New Year resolution is to lose weight. Self deprecation that I can’t follow my resolution even for one day.)

[Following 5 jokes are series of jokes on the same theme, which got huge response]
13. I don’t believe in good luck. I don’t believe in love. I don’t believe in peace. I mean I never wear an underwear.
(Paints a funny picture. Self deprecation)

14. What? You don’t believe me? [gestures like going to lower the trouser]
(Again paints a funny picture)

15. My New Year resolution is to start wearing one.
(Following up on the theme and linking it with New Year Resolution)

16. I hope I’m not too old for it.
(Callback to one of the motivational quote said during the meeting. Using that quote for wearing an underwear is funny.)

17. Before leaving, I would like to kindly kindly remind you “I AM PERFECT”
(Callback to my earlier line in the same monologue. Also irony that I’m not even wearing an underwear but saying I’m perfect.)

Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – September 20, 2017

Here is another Observational Humor monologue presented at the end of a meeting. We’ll tell you what was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was presented.

THE SET-UP. We will give you enough background to help you understand the jokes.
1. The theme of the meeting was “Going Offline”. The emcee asked us not to use smartphones until the meeting ends.

2. I haven’t paid my membership renewal fee yet.

3. One of the table topics was “Are you addicted to internet?”. Mike was called to speak. He asked the table topics master, “Sorry, what was your question?”

4. Another table topic was “What’s the longest period you didn’t use internet?”

5. Another table topic was “If there is only only thing that you can use internet for, what would that be?”

6. Dinil said he would not use smartphone at all when he goes to India. Because he would spend most of his time with his family.

The Humor Monologue
1. [takes smartphone out of the pocket and checks the messages]
(Audience already started laughing. Good opener. Do something that someone asks you not to do.)

2. Good evening toastmasters with smartphones and toastmasters with Nokia phones.
(Joke on Nokia on how they’re lagging)

3. Mike, sorry, I haven’t paid the membership fee. And I’d like to let you know that I’m going offline for 1 year.
(Break the audience expectation. When I said, “I’d like to let you know”, the audience would assume “I’m going to pay it soon.” But then I said, “I’m going offline for 1 year”. The implied punchline was “I’ll not pay the fee for 1 year”.)

4. Does anyone want to get rid of smartphone addiction? Good news for you. I’m creating an App for it.

5. [does role play] When Mike came to speak on the table topic, he asked, “Sorry, what was your question?”.
“The question is, Are you addicted to internet, Mike?”.
“Yes, of course, when you asked the question, I was checking my Facebook posts.”
(Give it a definition. Why didn’t Mike hear the question the first time? I used his table topic to define this behavior – i.e. he was addicted to FB)

6. The longest period when I didn’t use internet? ONE COMPLETE DAY. That was the day when my neighbors changed their WiFi password.
(Self deprecation. Best line of the monologue.)

7. When I’m with my wife, I only spend time with her and NEVER use smartphone. Only after she goes to sleep, I text my secret girlfriends.
(Deviate from the expected. It’s sort of paraprodoskian too. Initially the audience assume that when I’m with my wife, I don’t need a smartphone because I like spending time with her. But the punchline reveals that I can’t talk with my secret girlfriends when she is with me.)

8. [I just wrote this line, but didn’t use it in the monologue. When in doubt, don’t use it]
If I can keep only one thing on the internet, that would be… “porn movies”. Ah wait, I meant, Bourne movies.. Jason Bourne movies.

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