Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – August 19, 2015

Read the set-up below and then read the humor monologue.

THE SET-UP (What was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was delivered)

1. The stage was reversed. Normally where we have the stage was the backside, and the backside was the stage today.

2. One of the table topics was “You’re the mayor of Eindhoven. You have to bring in something that’s missing in Eindhoven. What’s that missing thing?”

3. Justina started her speech by talking about people doing uncommon things like living on a tree.

4. Pierre didn’t have any role. So, the table-topics master invited Pierre to talk on a topic. While inviting, he said, “I invite you because you aren’t doing much tonight.”

5. Tobias talked about a person climbing Mt. Everest without oxygen cylinders. That was a record since all climbers normally use oxygen cylinders.

6. Generally in the Netherlands, it’s quite common that bikes get stolen. Especially in Eindhoven.

7. Tobias asked everyone as to why we like to come to toastmasters meetings, for which Winslow said, “I like shouting.”

8. Justina talked about a guy who traveled around the world by bike.

9. The ‘Ah’ counter said that Jitske used too many filled word ‘Ah’ and he called her the ‘Ah queen’.

10. Chris talked about a girl who got 3 B’s, but still wasn’t able to get the course that she wanted to do.

11. Winslow talked about diabetes. He showed a sample of glucose molecule. It had white, red, black dots connected together.

12. Winslow asked some volunteers to test his needle. Pierre volunteered. Winslow was supposed to act like injecting the needle. But by mistake, he actually injected. And Pierre got blood.

13. There was a wall clock behind the stage.

The Humor Monologue

1. [I turned away from the audience] Good evening toastmasters, guests, mayor, and ah queen.

2. I’m one of them. I’m one of them. Doing uncommon things (showing the audience my back, and speaking).

3. Ok, just kidding. It’s much easier to keep track of timing [looks at the wall clock behind the stage]

4. Hey Pierre. Laugh at my jokes. Because you’re not doing much tonight.

5. I come to toastmasters because I like… putting people to sleep.

6. There is an Indian saying “You become a HALF doctor only when you kill at least 1000 people.” In my case, “I become a HALF speaker only when I put at least 1000 audience to sleep”.

7. Today I’m planning for a world record speech. Normally I wouldn’t get on to the floor without 3 oxygen cylinders, 6 bottles of water, and 16 napkins.

8. The guy who reached the top of Mt. Everest heard little noise. He then thought, “Oh, that’s Winslow shouting from earth.”

9. The guy who traveled all over the world by bike came to Eindhoven too. His bike was stolen.

10. Now you know the answer to the question “What’s missing in Eindhoven?” Bikes.

11. One guy loses his bike, steals another. That guy loses his, and steals another. This goes on and on. Like a ‘cycle’.

12. It’s called bi-cycle. But nobody does ‘BUY’ cycle.

13. These were actually white [points to the red dots in the glucose molecule], but then Winslow did the impromptu of testing his needles on many people.

14. Chris’ friend got too many B’s and still couldn’t get into the course she wanted. But Jitske can get into any course she wants, because she has many ‘A’s.

15. I am finishing my speech now… unless Winslow wants to shout something.

Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – August 5, 2015

Read the set-up below and then read the humor monologue.

THE SET-UP (What was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was delivered)

1. Word of the day was ‘progress’. Word of the day 6 weeks ago was also ‘progress’.

2. One of the guests was Debolina. She introduced herself and said “If my name is hard to pronounce, just call me Debi.”

3. All table topics were about science and space.

4. The evaluator said the speakers could move around the stage (not just stand in the same place).

5. Justina used 20*20 powerpoint method. i.e. 20 slides each 20 seconds automated. She kept up with the pace of the slides. She showed 2 slides “Expectation: Audience who’re listening. And reality: sleeping audience.”

6. Her speech evaluator went over time, took 3 minutes and 20 seconds. He said that the text in Justina’s slides were not visible and in light blue color.

7. Floris talked about the alternative for PowerPoint (called impress.js). He finished his speech by saying “That’s the end of PowerPoint era.” His speech evaluator said that a better ending would be “Do you *still* want to use PowerPoint?”

8. Chris was wearing spectacles for the first time.

9. Inna said “Employee attention strategy” instead of “Employee retention strategy”. Her speech evaluator pointed that out.

10. When the toastmaster introduced me as the Observational Humor Master, he said that in 4 weeks the humorous speech contest is coming up and the audience can learn something from my obs. humor speech.

11. One of the guests, Anna, told that she would want to become a member since she was impressed by our club.

The Humor Monologue

1. Good evening toastmasters, guests, and pre-member.

2. I want to have you full retention.

3. I am Balakumar Shanmugam. If it’s hard to pronounce, just call me Debi.

4. If you want to win the humorous speech contest, just listen carefully to my speech, and not follow any of what I do.

5. Toastmasters club is progressing. It’s in Amsterdam. It’s in Eindhoven. It’s in Utrecht. Next, we’ll have one in space.

6. One advice to all speakers: While our scientists are busy exploring *that* space, let’s at least try to explore this space [points to the dias]

7. Word of the day 6 meetings ago was ‘progress’. Word of the day today is ‘progress’. W.r.t the word of the day, it’s time we made some progress.

8. What do the audience expect from me? A *great* speech. Reality? I sleep on stage. I use a lot of space on the stage.

9. Normally Chris doesn’t wear spectacles. But today he knew that Justina was going to use PowerPoint.

10. Justina used 20*20 format. Her speech evaluator went over time. He should’ve used 10*10 format.

11. That’s the end of my speech. Oh wait.. Do you *still* want to listen to my speech?

Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – July 22, 2015

Read the set-up below and then read the humor monologue.

THE SET-UP (What was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was delivered)

1. Word of the day was ‘Unexpected’.

2. Tobias, the president of our club, arrived 5 minutes late. He announced that from next week, one of the four entrances to the campus where we meet will be closed and we have to use the other car entrance.

3. The host introduced Chris as ‘lovely’ Chris.

4. Chris talked on a table topic, “What’s the most embarrassing moment of someone that you enjoyed a lot” for which he said that he’s not a person who laughs at others’ misfortunes.

5. Tobias asked all of us to upload our pics to our Toastmasters website so that when some of our friends (who are not toastmasters) visit the website, they will see a familiar face and be willing to join the club.

6. Bogdan said that at the top of Mt. Everest, only 30% oxygen is available. The amount of oxygen decreases as you go up.

7. Bogdan delivered a speech where he acted like a president of a company and he had to announce to everyone about the crisis his company is in. He said that he’s not going to fire his employees, but cut their salary by 10%.

8. One of the table topics was, “How do you react when someone tags you on pics on Facebook.” for which Floris said that just delete your Facebook account.

9. The host described the table-topics as starter, prepared speeches as main course, and the evaluations as dessert.

The Humor Monologue

[The host introduced me as the Observational Humor Master and invited me to the stage]
1. Oooh. That’s unexpected. I didn’t expect to be the Observational Humor Master.

2. I’m not prepared. I don’t have even one joke to say. I’m sure all of you are going to laugh at me… except ‘lovely’ Chris.

3.  The starter is over. The main course is over. The dessert in over. Now comes my speech… the napkin.

4. The president arrived late because he went to all 4 entrances to check whether they’re open.

5. Our company is in crisis. To increase the revenue, we’re not going to fire you; we’re not going to cut your salary; we’re just going to delete your Facebook accounts.

6. I posted my picture on EasySpeak (Toastmasters website). Some of my friends visited the website, recognized me, and said, “Hey, that’s Bala. We should definitely NOT join that club.”

7. Now I know why companies can’t fire employees when they are at the top, but fire when they’re down. Because to fire *anything* you need oxygen.

8. I wish you all a lovely evening.

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