Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – September 20, 2017

Here is another Observational Humor monologue presented at the end of a meeting. We’ll tell you what was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was presented.

THE SET-UP. We will give you enough background to help you understand the jokes.
1. The theme of the meeting was “Going Offline”. The emcee asked us not to use smartphones until the meeting ends.

2. I haven’t paid my membership renewal fee yet.

3. One of the table topics was “Are you addicted to internet?”. Mike was called to speak. He asked the table topics master, “Sorry, what was your question?”

4. Another table topic was “What’s the longest period you didn’t use internet?”

5. Another table topic was “If there is only only thing that you can use internet for, what would that be?”

6. Dinil said he would not use smartphone at all when he goes to India. Because he would spend most of his time with his family.

The Humor Monologue
1. [takes smartphone out of the pocket and checks the messages]
(Audience already started laughing. Good opener. Do something that someone asks you not to do.)

2. Good evening toastmasters with smartphones and toastmasters with Nokia phones.
(Joke on Nokia on how they’re lagging)

3. Mike, sorry, I haven’t paid the membership fee. And I’d like to let you know that I’m going offline for 1 year.
(Break the audience expectation. When I said, “I’d like to let you know”, the audience would assume “I’m going to pay it soon.” But then I said, “I’m going offline for 1 year”. The implied punchline was “I’ll not pay the fee for 1 year”.)

4. Does anyone want to get rid of smartphone addiction? Good news for you. I’m creating an App for it.
(Irony)

5. [does role play] When Mike came to speak on the table topic, he asked, “Sorry, what was your question?”.
“The question is, Are you addicted to internet, Mike?”.
“Yes, of course, when you asked the question, I was checking my Facebook posts.”
(Give it a definition. Why didn’t Mike hear the question the first time? I used his table topic to define this behavior – i.e. he was addicted to FB)

6. The longest period when I didn’t use internet? ONE COMPLETE DAY. That was the day when my neighbors changed their WiFi password.
(Self deprecation. Best line of the monologue.)

7. When I’m with my wife, I only spend time with her and NEVER use smartphone. Only after she goes to sleep, I text my secret girlfriends.
(Deviate from the expected. It’s sort of paraprodoskian too. Initially the audience assume that when I’m with my wife, I don’t need a smartphone because I like spending time with her. But the punchline reveals that I can’t talk with my secret girlfriends when she is with me.)

8. [I just wrote this line, but didn’t use it in the monologue. When in doubt, don’t use it]
If I can keep only one thing on the internet, that would be… “porn movies”. Ah wait, I meant, Bourne movies.. Jason Bourne movies.

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Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – September 6, 2017

Here is another Observational Humor monologue presented at the end of a meeting. We’ll tell you what was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was presented.

THE SET-UP. We will give you enough background to help you understand the jokes.
1. The theme of the meeting was “Growing every day”.

2. We had 2 guests; both were interns.

3. Karin, the timer, walked all the way from back to the stage to explain her timer role.

4. Herman gave a speech about drawing and composition. He explained warm colors look great and look nearby. He arranged objects (in a picture) in different positions to explain harmony. He finished his speech 3 mins over red.

5. Mike said he went on a hiking camp. He didn’t climb the mountain for 2 days because he was afraid. But on the 3rd day, he did just because it was the last day of the camp.

6. The evaluator said that Shane had his hands inside his pocket while walking to the stage, which was not good.

7. We had too much snacks at the meeting – candies, cakes, biscuits circulating over and over.

8. The general evaluator called the names of every person, told the audience how long they have been member of and appreciated as to how much they’ve improved.

9. Before the president introduced me as the Obs Humor master, lots of TMs interrupted and started asking questions about the upcoming contest, TED meeting in our city, and the Gala we planned in December. I had to wait for at least 5 mins.

10. Jasmin gave a speech about conspiracy theories, like alligators in New York.

The Humor Monologue
1. [shakes hand with the president] Don’t go. I have a question too.
(Good opening. Very fresh humor. Continued from where the audience left, and exaggerating. i.e. I’m trying to interrupt my own speech.)

2. I know it’s rhyming, but every time our president called me Bala, Bala, Herman was asking about Gala, Gala.
(Again very fresh humor. Noticed the rhyming when Herman interrupted. Worked well.)

3. Growing every day. My weight, my debt, and uh mm, my filler words.
(Self deprecation. The first two [weight, debt] were self deprecation in general. And the last one was specific to Toastmasters. I added “uh mm” before it to exaggerate it even more.)

4. If you see green light, you’re doing well. If you see amber, still well. If you see red, Karin will walk all the way to the stage and drag you from here.
(Paints a funny picture. Call back to Karin walking all the way from back to the stage to explain her role.)

5. Herman finished when it was red, because he likes warm colors.
(Associating his speech content with his timing)

6. Like Mike, I didn’t climb the mountain for 2 days. Then finally, I climbed up on the third day, when my wife came down.
(Usual wife roast joke. The punchline is hidden until the end. Diverted the audience. The audience expected that on the 3rd day I got rid of my fear. But I deviated and used “fear of wife” as punchline.)

7. My wife and I like to stay far away from each other, because that way, we create the perfect harmony.
(Callback to Herman’s speech on composition and arranging objects far from each other to create harmony.)

8. One of the biggest conspiracy theory is “Happily married”. Have you ever seen one?
(Again marriage joke.)

9. Shane, kindly give back all the candies, cakes, biscuits you’ve stored in your trouser pockets.
(Associating Shane keeping his hands in his pockets with lots of snacks around the table.)

10. Shaoxiong is with the club for 6 months, improved a lot; Mike is here for 3 years, improved a lot; I’m here for 5 years, improved my skills… in finding my way to Toastmasters meeting hall. Hope next year I can find the place without a navigator.
(Self deprecation. Topper reveals that I still use navigator, which is even more self deprecation)

11. Shane, take your hands off your pockets, and clap for me.
(Callback to Shane keeping his hands in his pockets for a closer.)

Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – August 23, 2017

Here is another Observational Humor monologue presented at the end of a meeting. We’ll tell you what was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was presented.

THE SET-UP. We will give you enough background to help you understand the jokes.
1. Many TMs were absent today. Their roles – ah counter, timer, grammarian, evaluators – were filled in by substitute TMs.

2. The ah counter said I repeated the word ‘I’ 3 times at one place, like I.. I.. I.

3. One of the table-topics was “What was your dream when you were a kid?” Franz talked. He said that when he was a kid, he was innocent like everyone here. He said that people’s dream change as life progresses.

4. Andrei gave a speech about having a life coach. He has one. He said that he would do Skype sessions with his coach. Every time he does one, his life coach would ask him to acknowledge all his victories since they last spoke. Andrei said at first it was difficult since he rarely had any victories, but later on it became easy.

5. Andrei shared Skype screenshots where he looked very happy.

6. Andrei quoted Michelangelo, “I am still learning.”

7. I told everyone that to become Dutch, I steal bicycles.

The Humor Monologue
1. Good evening dear I, I, and I.
(Twist to the cliche opening TME, TMs, and guests)

2. Most roles were substituted today. Piyush, a guest, substitutes another guest who couldn’t make it.
(Exaggeration. Absurdity that a guest substituting another guest. I could’ve added a bit of self deprecation by saying “I’m here as a substitute for a guest”.)

3. When I was a kid, I was innocent like everyone here, drinking alcohol, smoking joints.
(Paints a funny picture. Kid smoking weed)

4. Like Franz said, dreams change as life progresses. When I was a kid, I dreamed about small girls. When I was a teenager, I dreamed about teenage girls. Now I dream about women. Thank goodness, I’m still not dreaming about small girls.
(Pick something someone says seriously and adapt it to a regular pattern that occurs normally. Here what I did as a kid, teenager, and a man is common. If I did otherwise, it would be absurd. The topper is absurdity.)

5. I am a life coach. I spend all my life on couch.
(Self deprecation. Wordplay)

6. I want my wife to be my life coach. By that I mean “only Skype calls”.
(Praise first and then deviate. I first praised that I would want my wife to be my life coach. And then find some quality of being a life coach that would not suit my relationship with my wife. I found the “long distance calls” for punchline. First I praised, then I deviated saying that I would like only Skype calls with her.)

7. At next meeting, I will share our Skype screenshots. Sad faces.
(Self deprecation)

8. During the Skype call, I had to acknowledge my victories since the last time we spoke. At first, it was hard. Later on, it became easy… to say “No victories”.
(Break the audience expectation. When I said, “it became easy”, the audience assume that slowly I started achieving something so that I had at least something to share with my coach. I broke their expectation by saying “became easy… to say ‘No victories'”)

9. People who are by car, have a safe drive. People who are by bike, have a safe walk.
(Implied punchline that I’ll steal their bikes. Implied punchlines are great to add. When the audience figure themselves out the punchline, it will add a great effect)

10. I’m still learning.
(Closing by recalling Michelangelo quote.)

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