Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – March 22, 2017

Here is another Observational Humor monologue presented at the end of a meeting. We’ll tell you what was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was presented.

THE SET-UP. We will give you enough background to help you understand the jokes.
1. Shripad gave a speech titled “Incredible India”. He said that Einstein thanked the Indians because they invented how to count. His presentation slides were full of too much text. He said that India put 104 satellites in one rocket and launched it. Also India launched Mars mission.

2. He also showed a video titled “Incredible India”. After watching the video, many people told that they would like to go to India.

3. He also told that 2600 yrs ago, Indians did surgeries and found anesthesia.

4. One of the speakers said that work life balance is important, but his boss made him work like anything.

5. Inna, a speaker, gave a piece of paper to everyone and asked to draw a bird. Everyone drew their own versions. Then she told how to draw a standard bird, then everyone’s drawing looked alike.

6. One of the table topics was whether you would like to just “visit” many places? Or “live” in many places?

7. Rens talked on a table topic. He said that he asked his uncle whether he could go to his home. His uncle asked him not to come in November. So he went in the mid of Jan. He found out that the kitchen was not done for 2.5 months. It was finished only in February, only after 3.5 months.

8. The emcee invited me to the floor for observational humor, then she remembered that she hadn’t asked the guests how they liked the meeting, so she asked me to stay back until the guests complete giving their opinion.

The Humor Monologue
1. Good evening 9 ladies and 11 gentlemen. After all, we, Indians, invented how to count.
(Twisted the typical opener “ladies and gentlemen” by adding numbers. Good opener)

2. You’re welcome, Einstein.
(Absurdity. Einstein thanked the Indians who invented counting. But I said “You’re welcome” meaning that he thanked all Indians.)

3. The emcee asked the guests to share their opinion before my speech, because then their opinion will change.
(Self deprecation. Implying that my speech is going to be very bad.)

4. Check if the piece of paper is still there on your table? Or the bird flew away?
(Absurdity – a drawn-bird flying)

5. Okay, let’s draw my wife.
(This one set the series of wife jokes well. Already the audience started laughing.)

6. Wait, you don’t have a standard picture of my wife, right? Let me show you one. [shows a demon pic drawn by me]
(Huge laughter. Theory of superiority)

7. I proposed long-distance relationship to my wife. She in India. And I in Mars.
(Exaggeration. Unexpected punchline. Break audience expectation. Audience expected I would say, “I in the Netherlands”)

8. It’s a pity that I didn’t bring my wife here today. Otherwise I would have shown her that great video about India and convinced her to go back to India.
(Best line of the monologue. Everyone was convinced to go to India after watching the video. I used that fact to make it work for me.)

9. I told my wife that I’d only like to “visit” several places. But she forces me to “live” in several places, like, bathroom, store room, garage.
(Twist. Break audience expectation. When I say places, the audience assume that I talk about cities or countries. But I narrow it down to places in a house. Also self deprecation.)

10. My boss is a very good guy. He would always say, “Go home. Work life balance is important.” I’d be like, “I have to find a new boss.”
(Ends the series of wife jokes. 180 degree twist. Everyone would like the other way around.)

11. India put 104 satellites in one rocket. Shripad put 104 lines of text in one slide.
(Exaggeration. Another best line of the monologue.)

12. Shripad’s slides were full of text, densely populated with text. Don’t blame him. His speech was about the most populous country.
(Truth. Linking common facts.)

13. Are you interested in surgeries without anesthesia? Just let me know. I can put you to sleep by giving a speech.
(The audience started laughing even after finishing the setup. I think the setup itself is a joke. The punchline is self deprecation.)

14. My uncle said to me, “Don’t come in November.” So I went in January. I was shocked to see my uncle and aunt without… oh no… without… any… clot… THEIR LAUNDRY WASN’T DONE IN 3 MONTHS.
(Absurdity. Paints a funny picture – naked uncle and aunt.)

Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – March 1, 2017

Here is another Observational Humor monologue presented at the end of a meeting. We’ll tell you what was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was presented.

THE SET-UP. We will give you enough background to help you understand the jokes.
1. Word of the day was “Prognosis”. It was written on a name card and placed on a table.

2. Shashi, the table-topics master, said a story for how the word “Toastmasters” came to existence. He spent a lot of time at the table near the projector to set his table topics up.

3. He had 7 images. He asked the speakers to pick a number between 1 and 7 and based on that he gave an image and asked them to talk on the image.

4. One of the images was a greenish mountain where a basket, blanket, and Dutch food were kept, like picnicking. Mike talked. He said that her girl friend’s eyes are like the blue water. She smells like the green mountain.

5. The light used by the timer broke.

6. Shaoxiong gave his icebreaker speech. He said he used to stammer and how he overcame it. He asked us to confront our fear. He also said an inspiring quote, “Life starts at the end of comfort zone”.

7. Shaoxiong’s speech title was “My audible secret”. He used the word audible a lot. The ah counter said that Shaoxiong used 79 ah’s. The other speaker Ana didn’t use the filler word ah.

8. It’s carnaval time in the Netherlands, during which people dress up like someone and drink lots of beer.

9. I talked on a table topic. I got a picture of a busy street. I said that the world is going to end and only one street is going to survive and that was that street. I asked the audience to buy home in that street if they want to live longer.

10. The ladies tried to switch on the projector. But they were not able to reach it. So one of the men switched it on.

11. We din’t have the key to open the meeting hall. So we had to wait outside for 10 mins.

12. One speaker said, “Work hard. Party harder.”

The Humor Monologue
1. Dear ladies and tall men.
(Twist to the usual opening line “Ladies and gentlemen”. Good opener)

2. Welcome our new club member “Prognosis”.
(Since the name was written on a name plate, I gave it a definition that it’s a real person.)

3. I don’t know how the word “Toastmasters” came into existence. But I know about the word “Table-topics master”. They spend a lot of time at the table.
(Shashi, the table-topics master did spend a lot of time at the table to setup the powerpoint. He wasted 10 mins. So, it was nice opportunistic line.)

4. We had to wait outside for 10 mins. It’s not something new for me. Every day, I wait for 3 hrs, when I go home late.
(My usual wife joke theme)

5. As a Toastmaster, I would describe my wife like this. Her lips are red like the red light. She smells like the green light. But forget it. The lights don’t work anyway.
(Parallel story. The topper got more laughter.)

6. Shaoxiong said 79 ahs. Out of which 78 came from the word ahh-dible.
(Linking up two facts)

7. Did you see that picture? The one where two things don’t go well together. Mountain and Dutch food.
(The Netherlands is a flat country, only one mountain. So this joke was well received.)

8. Good job, Ana. Not even an-ah.
(Word play)

9. I sold my home in that special street for 3 billion euros. Turned out that the news about the world ending was just another scam.
(Superiority theory. The audience feel superior to the buyer of the house.)

10. My wife usually asks me to pick a number between 1 and 7. If I say 1, she would say, “Do the dishes.” 2 – “Clean the toilet” 3 – “Cook the curry”. In my case, “Work hard. Pantry harder.”
(Superiority theory again. The topper is wordplay.)

11. One of my friends told me an inspiring quote, “Life starts at the end of marriage.”
(Best line of the monologue. Three reasons. One: It tricks the audience into thinking that what I’m going to say is really inspirational. They don’t expect the punchline coming. Two: It uses the quote that was told by someone else. Three: The punchline is just one word place at the very end of the joke.)

12. I decided to confront my fear. I wanted to raise my self esteem. So during the carnaval, I dressed up like my wife.
(Another best line. Rule of three. Superiority theory. The punchline deviates from what a real man would do to raise his self esteem.)

13. The bad news is that my wife dressed up like my mother-in-law.
(Superiority theory)

Humor Monologue delivered at Toastmasters meeting – February 22, 2017

Here is another Observational Humor monologue presented at the end of a meeting. We’ll tell you what was said and what happened during the meeting before the monologue was presented.

THE SET-UP. We will give you enough background to help you understand the jokes.
1. One of the guests said, “My goal for tonight is to become a member.”

2. Shashi gave a speech about bias. He switched off the lights, asked us to close our eyes, then asked us to imagine few things – first a red apple, then a flower, then a garden, and finally a terrorist.

3. Shashi said that he loves shopping back home in India. Because if he wants to buy a pair of jeans in a shop, the shop worker would come to you, help you in selecting the jeans you want and convince you that it’s the best offer you can get in the market. But in the Netherlands, you have to go to a shop, select yourself, and convince yourself that you got a great deal.

4. Irina and Shane were tied in the results for the best table-topics speaker. Shane said, “Let Irina take the first slot because ladies first.”

5. Irina said that her colleague, an American, talked to a huge audience. In the first minute, everybody was laughing, in the second minute they became friends, because he shared his personal story – he had 7 kids and it was difficult having them.

6. Shashi said that they place all expensive items on the top at your eye level in the supermarket and all the inexpensive ones at the bottom.

7. Inna gave a speech about buying a home in the Netherlands. She asked, “What’s your dream home?” She said that we can “LEND” money from bank. Netherlanders use the word “lend” for both borrow and lend.

8. One of the table topics was “What did you learn in the Netherlands?”

The Humor Monologue
1. Dear Inna, Irina, and the rest. Ladies first.
(It was a nice opener. Rule of 3. There were only 2 ladies – so it turned out to be a great opener.)

2. [switches off light] Close your eyes… See you tomorrow.
(Silly – to put them to sleep and leave the room)

3. My goal for tonight is to convince you to buy… MY jeans. Starting bid 3 euros.
(Silly – selling my jeans. And it paints a funny picture – Naked me)

4. How many of you had me in your mind when Shashi said “terrorist”.
(Self deprecation. Huge laughter.)

5. Being a terrorist is much easier than being a husband.
(Exaggeration. Following my usual theme of wife jokes.)

6. Tomorrow, the forecast is storm, which means I’ll have to work from home. I’ll miss my quality time at office… away from my wife.
(Following on the last joke)

7. Having 7 kids is not at all difficult. Having ONE WIFE is.
(Unexpected punchline. When I said that having 7 kids is not at all difficult, the audience expected something like, “How can it be easy”. But I reversed and went into a different route – If this is not difficult, then what’s difficult?)

8. Inna’s colleague has 7 kids. No wonder he’s comfortable talking to a big group of people.
(Truth. Paints a funny picture. A guy talking to a big group of people – all of whom are his kids.)

9. When I talk, the first minute, everyone laughs, the second minute, they become friends, and the third minute, they send me Candy Crush game requests.
(Universal joke. i.e. someone sending you Candy Crush requests on Facebook. Rule of three. Break audience expectation – when I said, “they become friends”, the audience assume we become real-life friends. But the punchline reveals that we become Facebook friends.)

10. My dream house is the one… without my wife.
(Best line of the monologue. Unexpected punchline.)

11. Here’s an idea to reduce your expenses in the supermarket. Send your kid for shopping.
(Paints a funny picture. Visual joke. The kid will be short and he/she can only pick inexpensive items.)

12. What did I learn in the Netherlands? I can “lend” money from bank.
(People could relate to what I was saying. So it worked out.)

13. I love how the marriage system works back home in India. Your parents would come to you, show a girl’s picture, and try to convince you that she is the best available in the market.
(Another best line of the monologue. Parallel story. I was thinking of a parallel story for the Jeans story that Shashi said and it perfectly matched.)

14. But here in the Netherlands, you have to pick a girl yourself. Blonde or black? Short or tall? Young or old? And then convince yourself that you got a good deal.
(Topper to the last joke)

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